• Relationships

    Before I begin, I would like to put this out in the open. Though this has been noted by my present wife as well as my first in many of time and my present can vouch for it if asked. Mind you this takes every ounce of male ego to admit it.

    I am without a doubt a horrible lover.

    However, in the beginning of all my relationships, I never intended nor wanted the companionship of a woman. They were just as unfortunate enough to find me and in unorthodox ways actually fell for me. With my late first wife, it was falling face first off a bucking bronco and with my recent, it was a sapling hitting me square across the jaw. Mind you she provided the small tree and I provided the witty remark that led up to that situation, though it ended with a surprising outcome several years later.

    Now by going by this you deduce that I am a loser, a worthless, uncoordinated nerd that probably has sort of prone to attract desperate ugly women. Ugly? To put it completely bluntly no, these women were and are possibly the furthest away from the ‘Big Bertha’ stereotype. Desperate, I often wondered so.

    About myself, the only thing I would say this, is that it is true; I am uncoordinated. This is part of the problem of becoming the most horrible lover on the face of the earth. Because unlike most guys who have the annoyingly charming gift of gab, a very select few have the gift of stabbing with snide remarks. For every lousy and greasy pick up line that can be said, I can stab at a woman with three sarcastic remarks in the same time frame.

    For example:

    The abhorrently lame line: “Did you fall from heaven? Because you look like an angel”

    I can ask this: “What the hell happened to the rest of your damn hair? Did your hair dresser f*cked you up or did you decided to get cancer?”

    I can justify that the woman’s hair did look rather nice, but this is what inevitably comes out of my mouth. Like I said, I rather not look for love at all, but unfortunately my companions pop out of nowhere and the stick with me, despite my comments. Is it luck or have I not found the remark that hadn’t slapped me yet?

    Another thing that gets me on the horrible lover list is that like all married men (I used to joke or rather give more sarcastic remarks about this when I wasn’t hitched yet) you forget the damn anniversary.

    My late wife found it was cute...till the twenty seventh time I kept forgetting.

    Now my recently married wife, she hasn’t found about this...yet.

    Which leads me to this point why she was yelling at me yesterday about it.

    Oh f*ck...