StarVoyage: Chapter 1

• Artist: 4 bubble Mage
• Description: I am one of the best writers in my grade and all my teachers thought it was great so I decided to put it here. Please note I am only in middle school and this is only the first chapter. There will not be any humans in this Story, only aliens... If enough people like it, I will write another chapter :)!
• Date: 11/30/2008
• Tags: starvoyage chapter

StarVoyage
By Ryan Kearns
Chapter 1: Acing space

It was a beautiful day in Aquaten. Palm Trees were dancing softly to the beat of the wind over the seas gentle reach. But today was no ordinary day, especially for a young squidfolk named Ace. “5… 4… 3… 2…” “Okay I can’t take it anymore give me a moment please!” Ace said too anxious to continue the countdown. You see, Ace was the youngest squidfolk in history (only 13 Aquaten Years) to ever go on a lifetime voyage into space… or so he would be as soon as the countdown ended.

“You will have to finish it sooner or later” said his manager robot X23. Ace took a deep inhale. “Ok… Im ready!” sighed Ace. “Yeah sure…” remarked X23 sarcastically. “This time I really mean it” replied Ace.
“Whatever…”. And so the countdown started up again. “5.. 4… 3… 2… 1… blast off!!!!!!!!”. While the engine blasted off with full power, sparks and flames skydived out and did their dance of supremacy.

“Finally!” said X23 with a sense of satisfaction. “Maybe we should go back!” he joked. The petite robot jerked its head.. “I really don’t understand the livings need for humor.” He said as they blasted through the cosmos. Ace looked out the window to a beautiful sight.

The stars stretched on forever. For the first time in his life, Ace felt how small he and his planet really were compared to the great stretch of the Galaxy. “Ace Snap out of it” said X23 five minutes later. “Whoa-what!” Snapped Ace in confusion. “I have found a planet in range”

Comments

[tinaateurface]

The other person is right, it does need some work, but it shows promise. You've got the right idea down, it just seems you have trouble making it flow. The dialogue is choppy and you could use more description.

[4 bubble Mage]

Ok I will try to do better smile . Thanks for the critisism!

[Kyrene1079]

You need to give a better description of your characters and thier surroundings. What does a sqidfolk look like? Is X23 silver or colored? How big is this space ship and why doesn't anyone seem to care that Ace is blasting off? You need to let your readers get a firm grip on thier surroundings (characters, setting, ect) before you throw them into the main plot. It's called an "introduction" and you are in grave need of one.
If you make any improvements, I would love to know. Keep me posted!

[Kyrene1079]

confused that was... interesting. Who exactly are these teachers that thought this was great?
..sorry, I don't mean to be cruel, but your writing needs some work. I like the "palm trees dancing softly to the beat of the wind over the seas gentle reach" sentance, but the rest of it needed some serious help. First of all, you need to begin a new paragraph every time a new person speaks. Also, be a bit more clear on who is doing the talking, I got a bit confused.