• 1. I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor will I insist that their House colors indicate that they are covered in bees.
    2. No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.
    3. Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not an extra credit project for Herbology.
    4. Ive heard every possible joke about Oliver Woods name is not a challenge.
    5. I am not allowed to attempt to breed a liger.
    6. I will not go to class skyclad.
    7. The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.
    8. I will not use Umbridges quill to write "I told you I was hardcore."
    9. I will stop referring to showering as 'giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful.'
    10. Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable. Polishing my wand in the common room is not.
    11. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.
    12. House elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.
    13. Starting a betting pool on the fate of this years Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept. (A/N-Even though its tempting.)
    14. I will not start every Potions class by asking Professor Snape if todays project is suitable for use as a sexual lubricant.
    15. Adding the name Bueller to Professor Binns' roster is not funny.
    16. Springtime for Voldemort is not an acceptable suggestion for the class play.
    17. Seamus Finnegan is not 'after me Lucky Charms.'
    18. I will not refer to the Weasley twins as bookends.
    19. I will not refer to the Patil twins as bookends.
    20. The Slytherin prefect is named Draco Malfoy, not Rocky Horror.
    21. It is exceptionally tasteless to tell Professor Lupin that Once you go Black, you never go back.
    22. I will not call Lucius Malfoy 'Jareth.' (A/N-No matter how much I want him to sing 'Magic Dance')
    23. I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.
    24. I am not to refer to the Potions classroom as Kitchen Stadium.
    25. I will not tell Ron and Hermione to 'Get a room' whenever they start to fight.
    26. The Forbidden Forest is forbidden for a reason.
    27. I am not a tribble Animagus.
    28. I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat, or owl. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or piranha.
    29. I do not weigh the same as a duck.
    30. Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.
    31. Sirius Black is not #24601.
    32. I will not lick Trevor.
    33. I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.
    34. I am not being repressed.
    35. Calling Lucius Malfoy 'Luscious Mouthful' is just plain gross. (A/N- Unless you REALLY want to borrow his pimp cane. No, even I'm not that desperate...I'm not. Really. Nope.)
    36. I will not change the password to the prefects bath to Makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty.
    37. There is no such thing as an Invisibility Thong. (A/N-O.O Oh dear God.)
    38. I am not a Pinball Wizard.
    39. Asking How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense? and walking away is only funny the first time.
    40. I will not offer to pose nude for Colin Creevey. (A/N- Even I am not desperate for money.)
    41. I will not offer to pose nude for Dean Thomas. (A/N-The hell did they get Dean from?)
    42. It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously.
    43. It is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagall she takes herself too seriously.
    44. Sir Cadogan is not one of the knights who say NI.
    45. I will not offer to prepare tandoori owl.
    46. I will stop asking when we will learn to make Love Potion Number Nine.
    47. I will not ask Dumbledore to show me the pointy hat trick.
    48. I will not greet Professor McGonagall with "Whats new, pussycat?"
    49. There is not now, nor has there ever been, a fifth House at Hogwarts, and I am not a member of that house, nor am I its founder.
    50. I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter. A/N- But think of the MONEY you could make!)
    51. I will not call the Defence Against Dark Arts teacher Kenny, even if he is wearing an orange anorak.
    52. I am not a sloth Animagus.
    55. I will not give anyone a one half of a set of two way mirrors as a Christmas present, especially if I don't tell them what it is.
    56. I will not go to any fundamentalist websites and argue that Voldemort is a direct contradiction of the concept of "intelligent design."
    57. I will not create a pin-up calendar of the Slytherin girls and call it "Voldie's Angels".
    58. I will not convince the house elves to unionize.
    59. The Muggle known as George W. Bush is not related to or working for Lord Voldemort in any way, and I am to stop insinuating that he is.
    60. There are spoons. I will not destroy, transfigure, disappear or rename the cutlery so that there are no spoons.
    61. The Head Girl and Head Boy do not perform sexual favors.
    62. I will stop insisting that witchcraft is just a metaphor for lesbian sex.
    63. I will not, under any circumstances, ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss.
    64. Attempting to create real tribbles is expressly forbidden. Especially if it is for extra credit in the Care of Magical Creatures.
    65. Enchanting the Sorting Hat to sort new students into the House of Martok, or any other Klingon house, is forbidden.
    66. Hogwarts is in the UK, thus the United States Constitution does not apply to any of its students. Therefore, 'Avada Kedavra' does not fall under First Amendment freedom of speech rights.
    67. I shall not suggest to Remus Lupin that "you and me, baby, ain't nothing but mammals" and that we should "do it like they do on the Discovery Channel."
    68. Announcing "Remember: Save a broomstick! Ride a wizard!" is not an appropriate way to conclude a Quidditch match.
    69. Voldemort, after being defeated, did not get served.
    70. Providing Engorgio charms to students that are... lacking... before the Winter Ball will make your Head of House most displeased.
    71. "You might be a pureblood if..." jokes will get me in trouble, especially in front of Slytherins. (A/N- Even thought they're so inbred they can't see properly.)
    72. The condition of Professor Snape's hair has nothing to do with the Muggle movie "There's Something About Mary."
    73. It is exceptionally tasteless to tell Professor Lupin that "once you go Black, you never go back."
    74. I should not ask Harry Potter if he wants to talk to my "snake".
    75. Professor Snape is not the Metatron. (A/N- And apparently not the Sheriff of Nottingham. I will not tell him to 'cover up.')
    76. I am not allowed to ask Pureblood students things like, "If your parents got divorced, would they still be brother and sister?"
    77. I will not teach the veela the lyrics to "Oops, I Did It Again" even if they ask nicely.
    78. Lucius Malfoy's cane is not a 'pimp stick' and I should stop asking if I can be his ho. (A/N- Hell no! who would wanna be his ho? I'd STEAL that pimp cane, and make 'im be MAH ho! Oh wait...I think I already did.)
    79. Stop asking Hannah Abbot if her milkshake brings boys to the yard.
    80. Getting my little brother to record his latest thrash masterpiece on a Howler so I can listen to it is a good idea in theory, but not in actuality.
    81. I do not have a Pikachu Patronus, no matter how kickass that would be.
    82. I will not refer to house elves as "self-disciplining submissives".
    83. If a classmate is jingling the change in his pockets, I will not laugh at him for "playing with his Knuts".
    84. Despite the fact that it takes place in a dungeon, I may not safeword out of Potions class.
    85. Singing "If I Were a Rich Man" around the Weasleys is rude.
    86. I may not sell Umbridge's quill to emo students, especially if they're no good at poetry.
    87. Changing my name to Mary-Sue does not guarantee me hook-up rights with anyone I please.
    88. Kingsley Shacklebolt is allowed to hurt me if I refer to him as 'my n--'. (A/N--I don't use derogatory terms. Call me P.C. but I don't.)
    89. Just because the black guy dies first in Muggle movies does not mean that will apply to Kingsley.
    90. I deserved the extra punishment when I sang "Fat Bottomed Girls Make the Rocking World Go Round" to Madame Maxime.
    91. "Beaters do it with Wood" is not funny, even if the only people who aren't laughing are the Weasley twins and Oliver.
    92. Under no circumstances am I to attempt to create a Holy Hand Grenade.
    93. I will not Polyjuice myself and a friend to look like Harry Potter and Ron Weasley, then give each other passionate kisses in public.
    94. Forming a LGBT support group on campus is permissible. Claiming that it was founded in 1945 by Tom Riddle is not.
    95. Replying every question that Professor Lupin asks with, "Are you ******** Sirius?" is not funny, not even the first time.
    96. Asking Tonks to change to Marilyn Monroe or Jenna Jameson before having sex is just plain cruel and evil.
    97. Seamus Finnegan is not "after me Lucky Charms".
    98. Asking Professor Flitwick if there is a charm to remove clothes, or give you x-ray vision, is not permitted.
    99. Asking Professor Flitwick where Snow White is is not permitted.
    100. Mail order dinosaurs are NOT good birthday presents for Hagrid. No matter how much of a discount you get on them.
    101. I will stop charming Professor Snape's robes to bright purple (or any bright color for that matter).
    102. Dobby, even though he apparently went to grammer school with him, is NOT Yoda in disguise.