• “Have you told her yet?” Shishou’s kind voice met my ears as we stood there silently. I just glanced at my foster father, not knowing what to say. His dark brown colored somber eyes stared at me. I could almost feel him reading my soul.

    I just blinked, staring back at him now. Distant thundering could be heard in the distance. A storm was brewing.

    “Told her?” I felt puzzled at his question, “told her about what, Shishou?” I asked. My body jerked slightly at feeling a single drop of rain, but Shishou didn’t seem to notice my movement nor the rain.

    Being a cat, I didn’t like water, but I ignored it anyway. “About your true form.” Those four words stung my heart like a knife. Tell her?

    Why should I tell Tohru of...

    Before I could finish, a memory of Tohru entered my mind. It was her smiling face. Tohru was always smiling. And then Shigure’s words echoed in my mind as well, as did Tohru’s words.

    “What would you do if someone said they loved you?”

    “I love the cat of the Zodiac!”

    One more kiss could be the best thing

    one more lie could be the worst

    and all of these thoughts are never resting

    and you’re not something I deserve

    What would I have done...?

    Shishou had obviously noticed my inner confusion since he just gave me an insecure smile. “You haven’t told her, have you?” he asked again. I just shook my head. Tohru has never seen my–the Cat’s–true form.

    Again, my sadness returned, only to turn into hatred. “You have to show Tohru-san someday, Kyo.” His words interrupted my thoughts and I found myself staring up into my teacher’s eyes. I just shook my head. Telling Tohru, no showing her would only cause her to reject me, as the whole world had already done.

    As my mother had done when I was little. “No. I can’t.” I whispered. I couldn’t bare to see the disappointed look on her face if she ever saw it. As I imagined Tohru’s scared look in my mind’s eye, I remembered the words of Akito, and of what he had said at seeing the Cat’s true form.

    Twelve year old Akito stood there. His dark eyes were trained on me, transfixed. It was as though I were mesmerizing our young leader. Akito scrunched up his nose at the foul odor that was in the air. I could smell it too.

    He immediately brought the long sleeve of his bright red haori to his nose, trying to keep out the smell. His eyes regarded me with the utmost disgust. “It smells like rotting flesh.” Were his only words. At that time, I knew it to be true.

    I am the Cat after all. The outsider to the Zodiac. I was a monster, unwanted and unloved. Not even my own mother wanted me. Akito’s words had stung me and fearing that he was right, I looked in a nearby pool of water.

    Akito was right. Staring back at me were the blue eyes of a monster. Fangs, claws, and a hideous face. That was the true form, the true form of the Cat. The Cat of the Zodiac’s hatred had turned it, and me, into this.

    I was suddenly brought back to reality by another drop of rain and the opening of a door. Both Shishou and I looked over. Tohru had come out. She was carrying an umbrella and slight confusion was on her face. She glanced at me with her turquoise colored eyes before looking at my mentor.

    “You wanted to speak with me, Shishou-san?” she said quietly. Shishou just gave her a faint smile before turning to me. Fear swelled in my heart as I took notice of the look on his face. I knew what he was planning.

    Before I could run, Kazuma grabbed my arm. I struggled to break free, but Shishou held me in a vice-like grip. He pulled me close, only to whisper a single sentence in my ear, “Show her, Kyo.” in the next instant, my beads, the very bracelet that had sealed my dark side away, had slipped off.

    And suddenly, a burning sensation filled my entire being like wild fire. I could feel it. My body was changing. I was becoming the monster that was the Cat. A groan escaped my lips as I fell to my knees. “N-no...” I managed to say as I tried resisting the change. I didn’t want to become the monster, I didn’t want to harm Tohru, or scare her.

    In my head there’s only you now

    this world falls on me

    in this world, there’s real and make-believe

    this seems real to me

    This pain was unbearable. All I could hear was my blood pounding in my ears as my body slowly changed. But I did hear Tohru’s gasp. “Kyo-kun!” she came to my side, but I just growled.

    My eyes glared at her and in that instant, I saw the horrified look on her usual gentle face. I knew why. I had become the monster that I didn’t want to be. I was now in my true form.

    “K-kyo-kun...?” her voice was just a scared whisper, but she slowly approached me anyway. Giving off another menacing growl, I swiped at her. And then...I felt my body move on its own. I was running. My mind and pulse were racing as my surroundings all became a big blur.

    I didn’t care where I was going. As long as I was far away from her, from Tohru.

    Tohru was always friendly, loving, and caring. She loved everyone. When I had first met her, I didn’t know whether she was just stupid or just one of those angels I’ve always heard about. She always cared for others, putting the needs of others before her own. That’s how big her heart was.

    And she often spoke of her mother. To her, her mother was an angel too. She loved her mother so much. Kyoko Honda had sacrificed a lot just to take care of Tohru, just as Tohru had sacrificed just as much just to take care of me and my cousins. She even sacrificed her love just to cook, clean, and do other house work. I always thought that I didn’t need her or anyone. But...

    I growled at this as a new memory entered my mind. A memory of my mother.

    My mother was always seemingly kind. She ‘loved’ me so much that she kept me from the rest of the world. She locked me away, in our house. All I ever knew of the outside was from what I watched on television or read about in books. I was always home schooled or at least when she was alive.

    “Mommy loves you so much...I don’t want to share you with the rest of the world.” those were always her words, but it was a lie. All a lie. She never cared about me. Or even loved me. She was scared of me.

    All because I was the Cat, a cursed being that brought despair and sadness to the world around me. Or was she scared of the monster that I could become if my bracelet were to come off? Because every day, she checked my arm to see if I still had the prayer beads. She checked countless times. I used to believe that she loved me, but now, I know the truth.

    She was both ashamed and scared me. Ashamed of me because I was the Cat. Scared of me because of the monster that I could become without the beads. I always saw through her mask of love. It was false love.

    A false hope of being loved. The cat was never meant to be loved or even to give love. The Cat was meant to be alone, in this everlasting darkness as I am now. And that’s what I was now.

    Alone.

    Unloved.

    The only gift my mother left me was anger. That was the only love she showed me, anger. But I always asked myself. What was I supposed to do with anger? What was the cat supposed to do with this anger?

    Hate the world as I hate myself? As others hate and fear me? Was I supposed to hate myself? Was this what my mother meant by “never wanting to share me with the rest of the world”?

    Did she keep me inside to protect me from the outside world? Or was it to protect the outside world from me? This always confused me.

    “Mommy loves you.”

    “You lie.” I growled, glaring at an image of my mother. She stood before me, surrounded by rain. A false smile of love was on her face. Her long brown hair hung in a single braid.

    But her eyes...her eyes, her blue eyes glared icily at me.

    “Mommy loves you so much, Kyo-kun...”

    ‘You never loved me.’ I thought bitterly. As her words continued to repeat in my head, I felt a burst of anger fill me and I felt a loud roar erupt from my throat. Before I knew it, I instinctively lifted a monstrous hand and swiped at my mother. She disappeared into thin air. I knew she wasn’t really there, but, I still hated her.

    You love me but you don’t know who I am

    I’m tore between ths life I lead and where I stand

    you love me but you don’t know who I am

    so let me go

    let me go

    Letting out a final roar, I closed my eyes. A single tear, hot and burning, slid down my cheek. This was how I was meant to be. A monster, alone, and unloved. “Kyo!” hearing Tohru’s voice calling out to me, I turned.

    There she was, gripping a nearby tree. She gave me a disheartening look. I hated it. I hated her and I hated myself. “Go. Away.” I growled. I didn’t want to hurt her. I didn’t want her to suffer at my hands. At least I didn’t want her to see me like this. She doesn’t know me.

    “But...Kyo-kun, I–“

    “Go!” I yelled. Since I didn’t want to see her hurt, the only way to keep her safe was to hurt her. I wanted to let her go. I growled with every step she took. Tohru was drenched. Her long brown hair clung to her body, dripping with water. The rain was pounding now. And I was glaring at her. “Go.” I repeated. She just shook her head.

    “Kyo-kun...I...” finally, I gathered my courage and not even caring anymore, I struck her. If it weren’t for the rain, Tohru would be able to see the tears that were running down my cheeks. It pained me to do this. I didn’t want to see her hurt.

    After delivering two more blows, she ran away. I smelt her blood on my hands. I looked down at them. My dark monstrous hands were smeared with her blood now. This was the price I had to pay. Getting rid of my love for her was the price for her seeing my true form.

    I dream ahead to what I hope for

    and I turn my back on loving you

    how can this love be a good thing?

    I now know where I’m going through

    I sat there for the longest time, remembering when my mother had died...

    “That monstrous son of mine drove her to her death!” My father yelled, his black eyes glared at me, accusing me. Dad always hated me. He blamed me for my mother’s death. At first, I believed that too.

    It was at my mother’s funeral when he said that. I was seven years old. At least my father was honest about his feelings toward me. He hated me. As he glared at me, I gathered enough courage to do the same. My red eyes narrowed and I glared at him.

    “I didn’t do it.” I replied. Maybe this was where my temper had come from. My father was taken back by this. I could smell fear off of him and I continued to glare at him. He blamed me and now I’m fighting back.

    “It’s not my fault!” I finally yelled, “she killed herself!” My temper was at its peak, but it quickly went away as a hand touched my shoulder. A new voice spoke this time.

    “That’s right, it’s not your fault.” I looked up to find gentle brown eyes staring at me. They belonged to a silver-gray haired man. This was the first time I met Shishou. I felt my courage fail me as I stared up at him.

    This man was showing me kindness. A total stranger being kind to the Cat. The man smiled at me as he knelt to eye level with me. Many of the Sohmas’ whisperings met my ears. But this man merely ignored my relatives and continued to smile at me.

    At first, I was afraid. I never really received such a warm and loving smile. I wasn’t really sure if this man was sympathizing with me or if he really cared. “I’m Kazuma Sohma,” his words were just as kind as the expression on his face. I just froze up.

    My heart was filled with confusion. I wasn’t really used to this kind of attention. “How would you like to live with me in my dojo?” seeing the blank and scared look on my face, Kazuma continued, “you could learn Martial Arts and no one would ever bother you again, at least not when I’m around.” This was when I finally cracked a small smile at him.

    Kazuma Sohma was offering me a chance at being ‘reborn’ and starting over. He was willing to give me a home. Me, the monster that had brought sadness to my mother. The cat of the zodiac. Without thinking it, I nodded. Having a real home sounded nice.

    What sounded even more nice was his promise of no one ever bothering me again. And having a home also meant no more being frowned upon, no more false love. No more...sadness. And...no more suffering.

    “Don’t do it, Kazuma-san.” Growled my father’s voice. We both looked over at my father. A look of pure hatred seethed on his face. “If you...if you take in that ‘monster’, people will start talking. You’ll be shunned, and not only that, the monster will give you bad luck. You’ll be driven to death, just like my wife!”

    Kazuma’s eyes just narrowed at his words, “your son isn’t a monster. He’s just a child, a human at that. Don’t talk about him as if he were just an object.”

    “What about your grandfather! He was the Cat, too!” Father had yelled this and I looked up at the man who was soon to be my guardian. Anger and sadness was gracing Kazuma’s face. It was the saddest look I ever saw. Feeling my gaze on him, he looked at me. Our eyes locked for a brief moment before he tore his gaze away.

    “Yes, and I regret treating him as a monster when he wasn’t.” his gray-silver hair hid the expression on his face as he spoke, “Kyo and all the others that are cursed are still human beings, curse or no curse. They have feelings too.”

    My father just glared at both of us before walking off. He sulked as he did so. Kazuma had won the battle and the war. But only one thing had me puzzled that day. Would I be a burden to Kazuma like I was to my mother?

    Would he one day receive the curse of caring for the Cat of the Zodiac? I looked up at my new guardian once more. I saw that warm kind smile once more. At that moment, I knew I was going home for the first time.
    it seemed like forever as I sat there in the rain. I was lost in my own thoughts until a voice snapped me out of my reverie. It was her, Tohru. “Kyo-kun!” I looked up to find her out of breath and holding onto a tree.

    A sad, but kind look was on her face, and tears or at least what I thought were tears ran down her cheeks. I couldn’t tell with the rain falling. “Kyo...” her voice cracked. Had she been crying? Instead of facing her, I growled deeply from within my throat.

    In my head there’s only you now

    this world falls on me

    in this world, there’s real and make-believe

    this seems real to me

    “Go. Away!” I yelled again. This time, I meant it. I raised a giant hand to strike her, but something caught it in mid-swing.

    It was a strong grip. I looked. I was surprised at who had protected Tohru. It was the damn rat, Yuki. My growl turned into a menacing snarl as I tried to break free of his strong grip.

    Yuki’s eyes narrowed as they glared at me. We’ve always hated each other. He was the rat. I was the cat. The cat and rat were always enemies, never meant to be friends. Never.

    “You stupid cat.” His tone was cold and angry as he spoke, “running away from those who are just trying to help you.” I just glared back at him, “what do you know! You damn rat!”

    “Running away solves nothing.” my cousin’s words were calm and almost...soothing. In my heart, somewhere deep within me, I knew he was right. “I ran away to Shigure’s to escape the Main House, but I, for one, am through with running away! And you should be too, Kyo!”

    “Honda-san!” I almost forgot that Tohru was there, she was listening and watching. Could Tohru really handle my true self? “Honda-san!” Yuki yelled again, now looking at the kind girl, “quick!”

    I caught onto Tohru’s confusion and her face lit up as she now looked back at my rival. “Tell Kyo how you truly feel! Now!” he ordered. I just growled at him.

    How dare he give her orders like that? But Tohru just rose shakily to her feet. My heart ached as our eyes met. I started to struggle once more as I felt her presence coming closer. I had to get away.

    But the damn rat had a good grip on my arm. Suddenly, he released and in his place, I felt a comforting touch. Daring myself, I looked back over my shoulder. It was her. I felt her gentle kiss on my hand and as she looked up, my heart ached again.

    Tears were streaming down her beautiful face. Without us noticing, Yuki had stepped aside. “K-kyo-kun...” Tohru began again. Her voice was scared and yet brave. Again I ask myself...

    Can Tohru really handle my true form? Will she accept me for who I am?

    You love me but you don’t know who I am

    I’m tore in between this life I lead and where I stand

    you love me but you don’t know who I am

    so let me go

    just let me go

    let me go

    It seemed like eternity as our eyes locked. Red eyes with turquoise. She gave my hand a gentle squeeze as she put on the best brave front she could muster. “I–I’m scared right now, Kyo.” Those very words almost dashed my hopes.

    But I was already used to being frowned upon, and shunned by society. It wouldn’t be any different with the girl standing before me. “But...that doesn’t mean I don’t love you! I...want us to laugh together.”

    I felt my heart skip a beat as she continued, “I...want us to cry together, to be sad together. Please, Kyo, don’t push me away! We’re a family. Kyo-kun!”

    At this point, I begun to understand the true meaning of love and who Tohru really was. Tohru was the light. She was the light that I’ve been waiting for. She didn’t care that I was a monster or just a cat...

    Love is a gift from the heart, and it only takes one single person to share this gift. “Tohru...” I whispered. The rain stopped and the clouds began to part. Tohru’s face became happy with tears of joy and I felt myself returning to normal.

    And no matter how hard I try

    I can’t escape these things inside

    I know, I know

    when all pieces fall apart

    you will be the only one who knows

    who knows

    I pulled her closer. Embracing her delicate form, I whispered only one thing, “You don’t have to love everything,” I whispered. I felt her smile against my bare chest and Tohru hugged me back.

    This single hug was full of love and warmth. “I know, but I still do.” I heard her say as I began to change. I felt my body become small and furry as I turned into my cursed form, an orange cat. In my heart, I heard the words I’ve always wanted to hear, that only Tohru could say.

    “I love the cat of the Zodiac!”

    These were the very words she had said upon my first time escorting her home from work. Tohru wasn’t the brightest person in the world, but she was the only one with the biggest heart. And the most love. It only takes Tohru to brighten my day. From her smile, down to her heart and soul, I loved all of her.

    Tohru held me close. She kissed my head and gently stroked my fur. This was the love that I’ve been waiting for my whole life. Along the way home, I purred contentedly in her arms. I know it isn’t in my nature to be content in my cat form, but this was one of those moments.

    The only person I purr for is Tohru and no one else. No one, but her.

    You love me but you don’t know who I am

    I’m tore in between this life I lead and where I stand

    you love me but you don’t know who I am

    so let me go

    just let me go

    “What do you want for dinner, Kyo-kun?” I opened my eyes and stared up at her. How could she be asking about food at a time like this. I was about to scold her, but I thought better of it. I gave just a catlike smile and closed my eyes again.

    “Anything, but leeks.” I replied. And she nodded with a small giggle. Her laughter was like a bell in my heart. I knew that I would cherish this moment forever.

    After all, I love her. I love her with all of my heart and soul. Whatever lies beyond today, I’ll protect her from it. She saved me from myself.

    You love me but you don’t

    You love me but you don’t

    You love me but you don’t know who I am

    You love me but you don’t

    You love me but you don’t

    You love me but you don’t know me

    Aishiteru, Tohru-chan...

    Owari