• Tips on how to be…
    Possessed by a Demon
    By: Devlus

    Are you feeling a bit… plain? Like you have no distinguishing features other than that mole on your ankle? Well, now there’s help! Now there’s ‘Tips on how to be…’, a helpful guide to stereotypes. With this information, you can easily become those you loathe, those you envy, and those who you have no idea who the hell are! So without further ado, here’s Tips On How To Be Possessed By A Demon!

    Tip 1: Learn to spin your head 360°.

    Not only does this seem to creep people out, but it’s great for your neck! Once a day has been proven* to effectively reduce neckbone-deterioration syndrome**! This technique, long coveted by the Demonic Cults of… somewhere is proven to reduce strain on your neck by pushing it in a whole new direction!

    Tip 2: Eat lots of Corn.

    Corn, a wonderful vegetable, may not taste fantastic to Demonically-influenced persons, but it does add a notch to the creep factor: Unique Vomit Texture! Only with corn can you get the perfect chunks in your Demon Vomit. Beans, Rice, Chicken, nothing else matches the squares of Corn in your throw-up. Plus, Corn stands out more than anything, so when the Vomit lands, the Corn stands.

    Tip 3: Purchase Red Contacts.

    Red Eye, previously only achievable by full-fledged Demons (and victims of poor photography), can now be yours thanks to an invention called Contacts. They were made to help poor eyesight, but can be found in a wide variety of colours, including red! This aptly-named ‘Blood Vision’ gives you the freaky eye colour of blood and flame, thus adding to the Creep Factor! Just blinking is sure*** to scare victims to death!




    Tip 4: Develop Arthritis.

    Arthritis, long-time ailment of the old, can work for your Spookiness! Arthritis forces you to walk strange, thus giving you Fright Walking, a technique perfected when you can walk in ways normally impossible by humans. You’ll move in such an odd fashion, you could land a role in a movie (quality subject to change)! Plus, no longer will you need shoes. You can’t feel a damned stone or spike!

    Tip 5: Become good at making Retarded Noises.

    Learn to meow like a cat perfectly! This is a long-maligned technique used in horror movies, generally achieved by acting like what the layman calls, a ‘Retard’. But since you will be possessed, it’s considered scary! Meowing, Moaning, Hissing, even making cracking noises can be thought of as scary by the garden variety wimp. Do it good enough and you may scare 5th graders!

    Tip 6: Carry a Knife

    Those plastic claws you bought don’t do a damn thing in fights. Not even a +1 to Attack! Instead, bring a nice, sharp, steel knife. Carving preferred. Demonically-Influenced people are notorious for attacking, even if lasting damage can’t be achieved. So surprise someone with a nice knife in the throat or arm. They’ll never know what hit them, and later you can all (permitting they live) laugh about it!

    Tip 7: Grow your nails.

    Long nails can be used to vainly scratch your victims to further add to the Creep Factor, and look bad too. Grow your nails for a few weeks before your planned ‘Possession’. Don’t wash them, let them yellow. The yellowed colour will frighten people on account of poor hygiene. Warning: Don’t use the method known as Smoking to yellow your nails. Just… marker them if need be.





    Tip 8: Use a Voice-Disguising Device.

    Demonically-Influenced persons rarely have regular voices, so make yours messed-up as well with a Voice Changer! Get a double-voice, or even a high-pitched, evil-sounding voice. Just don’t buy a certain voice from a man in a black suit with a respirator. As an added bonus, Cops can’t arrest you based on the sound of your voice after you’re un-possessed!

    Tip 9: Learn to throw-up on demand.

    Demons can do it, how about you? Learn to do this ghastly trick, and you can scare the bajeesus**** out of little kids! Plus, you can see how well your Corn-Consumption is coming along. This tends to smell bad, but that just adds to the nastiness! For extra effect, chain your Vomits together, but not too much, or you may get skinny.

    Tip 10: Avoid Priests

    Priests. Long time foes of Demons and their followers. Not only are they fierce haters of Demon-folk, but they have the ability to remove said Demon from said Folk. What audacity! However, Priests have a hidden danger. ‘Exorcism’. Priests just love to ‘Exorcise’ a good Demon, making the Demon groan and shriek in pain. Avoid these ‘Exorcists’ like a plague.

    *No actual evidence supports this claim.
    **No such syndrome actually exists.
    ***May not actually work.
    ****Rate of loss of Bajeesus is likely to vary.