The Day Kikis World Goes Black

• Artist: LaSexyC2
• Description: I just started this storie during 1 mod to day and im stuck on some parts so i need YOUR HELP plez give ideas and Comment. I'v seen how mean peopl can get on this so plez if you hate it rate it and move to the next. Ty Jess
• Date: 03/30/2009
• Tags: kikis world goes black

13 years ago.
There he was, sleeping in the Weeping willow she called home. Kiki picked up a small pebble and thru it up, it hit is leg. He turned on the branch he was sleeping on and fell out of the old tree.

Inuyasha- Owww ki wat was tat for

Kiki- S-s-s-sorry I-i-i-inu ya-yasha

Inuyasha- Dod stop talking you loser

Kiki-I’M NOT LO-LO-LOSER
She cryed. Inuyasha came and hugged her

Inuyasha-I’z sorry ki you know I no mean it

She hugged him tight. Kiki hit Inuyasha across the face, her eyes when pitch black, her long brown hair was flying every were, she started to float off the ground.

Kiki-You will never find any one like your love. If you let harm come to her YOU will live a vary sad and lonely life. No one will like you. You will be picked on and beat up your hole life. When she turns 18 you will find her she will not look as you know her to day. When you get her back here you will be able to live a normal life agene
Kiki fell to the ground. Inuyasha just stared at the person the thought he knew like the back of his hand. When Kiki came around she could not remember a thing after she hugged Inuyasha

Kiki-Hello Inuyasha
She looked around franticly for any sing of him. He was no were to be found

Kiki-RAWR I’m so sick of th-th-that boy. Leaving me all the time. Acting as if I can take care of my self when its just me and him. F-F-FINE I’ll show him I can

She started running. She didn’t know were she would go or how far from home she would go but she new that she had to prove that she can be on her own. To him and to her self
Kiki started running. When she stopped she was in a little clearing with what looked like an old well. Kiki herd something snap behind her.

Stranger- INUYASHA IS MINE!!!

Kiki was picked up and thrown in to the old well

That Was The Day Kiki’s World went Black

Comments

[the_weird_1]

God I feel old, when I feel the need to point out spelling mistakes (eg: you have 'thru' for through etc) I like this kind of spelling when characters are talking, it puts an accent to how they speak (eg: Inuyasha-I’z sorry ki you know I no mean it - spelling is all wrong but with the wording spelt this way I can imagine the character putting on a pouty face or something)

[HowTheGrinchStoleRamadan]

Uhm, lrn2spell and lrn2grammar would be a good starting point.
Try writing in continuous prose rather than having indicators for where characters speak (speech marks etc.) Fill out the story line a bit more, perhaps use more adjectives, adverbs and general sentences?

[LilAng3l0fTh3dArkn3sS]

omg tht is goooood
BUT i do have a suggjestion, for wat u should do next,i think u should make her see a light come down and. . . , then like make it a like twenty year old guy find her and then u take it from there(mae her like 3 years older