• Side Liner
    “Good morning” he said with a big smile every morning, but as long as we were mentally apart it was never really a good morning. He said were just friends but those words hurt more than a knife in my stomach. I had attended Johns Ville public High school for one year and I had the same crush on the same guy. This may sound totally obsessive like I was some sort of stalker but I am simply your un-average teenage girl see the world sees these pretty little rich princess girls as the standard “teen”, but what about the ones who can’t afford the shopping sprees every weekend or, don’t have the looks of an anorexic model. Well that’s where I fit in, some what. In fact I found myself not even fitting in with the ones who don’t fit in Yup that’s me, but as for him Ha he fit in where ever he feels like. He choose the “nerdy band gig” group where all they talked about is bass guitars and where they are going to come up with the money to get one. He laughed and joked about other girls and how “cute” they were. I laughed too but inside I cried like a child being abused. The following story is not told to make me smile but rather to perhaps open your eyes to a new reality, from the point of view of a true sideliner.
    My name is Christy Hope, I was sixteen years old and in sophomore year, I wouldn’t say I was ugly but I wasn’t beauty queen. I laughed and joked, saying “God gave me the brains but in exchange traded my looks”. My first day of school in tenth grade was hard on me, due to the fact I had been new. The only ones who would possibly befriend me were of course the friends I have now among them are; my best friend Andrea, Sarah West, and the guys, Josh, his brother Max who rode the bus home with me in the afternoons, and last but certainly not least Mr. Incredible himself, Kenji, The senior Kenji Harper. I have been madly in love with him since the school year started. He was an x football player, He quit when he got seriously injured, and by the time he healed he was too out of shape and too out of reasons to go back. I will save you the monotonous pains of monologue and start the story on a Friday that every thing pointed out my side lining dilemma.
    “Get Up!” my mother shouted from down the hall. I sat up lazily and stared at the wall. “I Hate Mornings” I groaned, waking up and getting ready was a drag at 5 am, especially if you are not a morning person. I dragged my self through my morning routine, only aware enough to not run into more than 3 walls, dodging injury. I dragged my feet to the bus, as my sisters ran laughing and giggling, I was still asleep in my mind. I sighed as the bus arrived and I tripped over the first step. I slept on the bus, while my sister blabbed on about something taking place at the junior high, I didn’t pay attention, My mind was in a haze, My thoughts were so distant and hardly existent that I resembled a zombie. The bus ride was Long and tedious but I Hardly noticed, I just sat and stared. I stepped off the bus and headed to wait in the cafeteria at the site of my best friend Andrea I forced a smile, as usual we chit chatted about just random stuff. But my day began as soon as Kenji Harper walked in He wasn’t the skinniest nor best looking guy according to standard but none the less I could never ask for any thing more, (or so I thought) he was so perfect. His Asian eyes so deep brown some times I thought I might get lost in them; and sometimes I did. He kind of slouched when he walked, not to mention how slow he walked (mostly on purpose to drive me crazy). My fake smile transformed into a genuine ear to ear grin. Like a caffeine rush his presence gave me what I needed to get through today. His smile was as warm as a cup of fresh coffee. I melt every time he smiled for me. “Hey sup’” he asked in his playful Japanese accent. “Not much what’s up with you” I asked, fight back the urge to just jump into his arms for saving me from a horrible morning. “Well….” He said sarcastically “now that you ask I have been working on a new song, in honor of my secret admirer Its called My dear…. Well, actually I need your help, I can’t figure out who left this in my locker…” He pulled a note out of his back pocket; I fought back all the joy and attempted to replace it with surprise and curiosity. But there was a reason they told me not to try out for the drama team.
    The Note was plain and in beautiful hand writing, it had been written on simple note book paper.
    My dear Kenji
    Your smile is like a caffeine rush,
    Warm and kind, it makes me blush; The way laugh gives me light, even enough to make it through my darkest night; Your eyes are beautiful brown They make me never ever want to frown;
    Your touch is so wonderful and grand that I imagine us holding hands;
    When you are near you make me smile
    And I wish you would stay a while;
    But every time I get real close, You abandon me, the one who loves you most; I hope you see in this poem I wrote, The words that I could not have spoke; You and you alone are the one I want; and don’t think I can live if not; I Hope that one day you will see me, And you would gladly call your self my dear Kenji.
    He folded it and put it back in his pocket. “Any opinions”, Josh and max just looked at each other blankly, trying not to smile. See I had asked for their help as well as Andreas and they all were good secret keepers, which I was glad for, I really did have true friends. Andrea stared at me as if waiting for me to say something, I wanted so bad to tell him while he stood there in the quickly crowding cafeteria. At this point, I had no Idea what to say, I wanted to take credit for what I had done but at the same time I didn’t want him to know, because I feared he would think of me differently, “hmm” I finally managed, “I don’t know but I’ll let you know if I find something k’” The bell rang leaving almost all of us with our jaws on the floor, except clueless Kenji and of course chicken heart Christy. “K see you guys at lunch” he waved quickly as it seemed he disappeared into the flood of teenagers. I whirled avoiding the looks of my friends but I couldn’t avoid their words. “Christy, what the heck? You should have said something” Josh lashed almost seemingly angry. “I can’t I don’t want him to reject me, I mean what if…” Andrea interrupted “don’t say that you don’t know what will happen till you try,” I sighed “I have to go to athletics” I said as I stomped past them.
    I glided through the halls to the old practice gym, I made it right before the bell and quickly changed, I once again looked like a zombie, until Sarah found me and woke me up at least a little. We talked about the semi finals coming up, I told her sarcastic that I was so excited. She asked why the sarcasm, “well…. Because coach sees me as a bench warmer because of my weight and I don’t run well… basically a sideliner.
    She gave me a funny look and skipped off to start the warm ups, I sighed, sideliner-here -ideliner every where. I envied Sarah she was born with the perfect life, money, looks, smarts, and talent in basketball. I scurried off to warm up as well.
    The day seemed to last forever, every forty-five minute class seemed to last for centuries. When fifth period rolled around, I tensed up, when I saw Kenji grinning ear to ear in the hall way. My heart leaped with joy and dropped with fear all in one smooth motion, as Josh scurried in behind him he didn’t look so happy. “I know who it is and I am taking her to prom next week. Meet me at my locker at the end of next period YEAH!” He yelled throwing a punch into the air. I looked at Josh “I thought I told you not to tell him no matter what.” He looked hurt I scoffed and walked away, before he said anything back. I Ran to my next class so eager to tell Andrea who embraced the news just as much as I did, with Joy and fear.
    The last bell rang and I ran out of the room, the man I would live and die for had maybe figured out how much I love him “took him long enough” I whispered under my breath. I could hear Andrea behind me yelling for me to wait, but I didn’t even slow down. I turned the corner and froze in horror. He stood right next to his locker with the perfect little Sarah West wrapped around his waist. I fought back tears of pain as I listened to all their plans and how much they loved each other, She gave me the look of an over ruling queen “How’s it going sideliner?” she asked as coy as she could be. Andrea stepped forward to most likely beat the crap out of her, But I put my hand out to stop her. She looked at me painfully with a look of shear hatred flashing behind her dark brown eyes. Overwhelming suffering took over my mind, I had lived to feel his warmth, to feel his touch- after her father left her alone with her mom and two sisters, and we didn’t really see mom and when they did we didn’t want to -I was invisible to every one except Andrea and Josh. I felt so small so, Betrayed, so heart throbbing and heavy. He scurried off to catch his bus, With Sarah leaching onto his arm. The thoughts of him being happy and my having to bear the burden of her lie and unable to stand up and say what was on my mind, just left me hopeless. Call it over dramatic call me crazy but… I loved him and lived only to love him and not ever being able to call him mine was too much for my lonely soul to take in. Josh walked me to my bus and I stumbled up the steps, “Josh” I whispered as he sat next to me on the hot fake leather seats. “Am I ... a sideliner?” my question puzzled him as His enormous brother sat down And I swear the bus shifted, and Andrea boarded her bus as depressingly as possible. My mind wandered to Kenji, He would be at prom next week and so would Sarah. I shuddered, I thought of the semi-finals tomorrow and the idea that he would be there with miss perfect, when suddenly my dreams were interrupted- “yes” I looked at Josh, remembering my question, I guess as a friend I expected Him to say no but that was Josh for you, always just a little too honest. I turned to gaze out the window. I tried to fight back the tears but they over came my eyes and streamed down my cheek, “you may be a sideliner but you’re a darn good one”! I cocked her head running my weak fingers under My eyes to dry The tears so my make up wouldn’t run. I looked at him with pained eyes. I forced a smile as we pulled to the first stop and the two brothers climbed off, I could see there was more he wanted to say but they were out of time the bus shifted again as Max’s giant foot found land. I put my feet where he had been and bent me knees so I could lay on them. Another hour till I would be home I thought.
    The sun rose too early, I didn’t sleep any way, my sisters were spending the day with there grandma and my mom had to work so the house was quiet by noon , the semi finals were today but I ultimately decided not to go, I looked down at the countless scars on my inner thighs and wrists. The scars were just a back drop to the fresh set of slash marks. Blood was all over the bathroom and I was just finishing the clean up as the door bell rang. I knew who it was. Sarah was supposed to pick me up so we could go to practice before the game. I just turned off the lights and pretended I wasn’t home I could hear Kenji’s perfect voice out side my door but that voice wasn’t the same. I heard the roar of the engine leaving the drive way, I wept bitterly. Three hours past as I sat at my desk writing a small letter,
    Dear world,
    You have taken all I have ever loved and I don’t see how I can go on with out any thing to live for, I tried but I am so sick of the pain.
    -sideliner
    I wrote those words with my emotions swimming through my sanity, but I meant them. I held my mom’s sharpest kitchen knife in my hand I pressed hard on my wrist until blood oozed. I closed my eyes and was so ready so sure I was right for this; I mean I had nothing else…right? All I had was a fantasy to begin with. My heart raced but I didn’t hold back… but as I went to slice the artery in my wrist, something stopped me. At first I was sure it was a mental thing like the only things in this world that held me here wouldn’t let me do it. Than I realized that it was true, but it wasn’t mental, it was physical. Andrea held the knife with both hands and Josh’s hand poured blood, some how He had taken the blow. I felt my body go weak at what had just happened. The sirens out side told me there was an ambulance outside. My life had just been saved, even if I didn’t want it.
    I woke up in the hospital my body felt cold but my hand felt warm. I realized Josh sat at the side of my bed and had fallen asleep holding my hand. He looked so worn out, so tired, I was so glad to see him. But at the same time I didn’t want to be alive. I just stared blankly as he raised his head and rubbed his eyes, as soon as he saw my face his tired looking gaze faded to reveal a concerned smile. I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came, I wasn’t sure what to say when he opened his mouth to speak. “You lost” he said bluntly I gave him a confused look. “You lost the basketball tournament, they were forced to forfeit because there star player was injured and you were not there to fill in…. You would have won they were down by 16” He said solemnly. I thought about his words. I half expected him to start screaming at me, but instead his voice was controlled, I thought I saw a hint of pain behind his eyes. “Where’s my mom”? I asked “oh she’s not coming” he scoffed, “Andrea’s parents have agreed to let you stay with them for a while. Cause your mom obviously doesn’t care.” I stared at the crumpled sleeping heap we called Andrea. I forced back a smile as I turned to face him “why would… why the heck did you stop me!? I have nothing now no one to live for…” “Not true!” he snapped “If you have nothing to live for live for me cause God as my witness I have lived for you this whole time!” I felt my jaw drop, I had no idea he even liked me. I always thought he hung around because I was a friend of a friend, but this was… almost too much, my thoughts circled to the book I read last summer, “The best cure for a broken heart is love”. I whispered softly, he looked as though he might cry, and I’m sure I did too. I had spent all this time complaining that I was a love wise sideliner when all along he was the sideliner. I thought about what he had said on the bus the day before, He had meant that, he was a sideliner too, but I was… better at it? I looked at him pained to understand his point of view. The point of view of a sideliner, a fellow shadow dwelling sideliner, with what would seem to be no hope, I felt so incredibly selfish, I had been so drowned in my own obsession that I didn’t even notice, I looked at his hands, and had to cup my hands over my mouth to prevent a loud shrieking scream, but it wouldn’t stop the tears that poured, like monsoon rain as I, for the very first time noticed his wrists matched mine for scars and marks but his were complete with burn marks. I closed my eyes and wept bitterly at my own selfish actions not knowing or caring that I was causing him just as much pain as Kenji had caused me. “I… Love… you” he said turning almost as red as a tomato, a long extended silence followed those words aside from of course, my convulsing sobs. I never thought of him as a shy person, but there he was sweating and every thing. And even though it was almost too late… I loved him too “I… love… you… too” I forced between sobs” I closed my eyes in shame. “I am so sorry I…” He wrapped his arms around me embracing the pathetic encasing that held my stupid selfish life source. “Don’t be... Love is the cure for a broken heart, I’ll heal you if you’ll heal me” I nodded finally finding the strength to open my eyes, to notice that the nurse and Andrea stood watching, The nurse asked him to back away, at least enough to check on me, the rest of the night was a blur.
    The next day the doctor released me and Andrea, josh, Max, and I went by my house to pick up my clothes and surprise, surprise my mom didn’t even ask questions; of course that’s why we brought Max, no one ever asked us questions as long as he was near. Max pulled the old Chevy truck to a stop at the little community park and Josh helped me out, He wanted us to talk alone for a while so they were going to drop off my stuff and come back with lunch.
    My head swirled with thoughts of yesterday, and last night. “So you busy next weekend?” He asked breaking my mindless thinking. “Next weekend isn’t that…”-“prom” he finished “yeah, I’d be honored to take you, but on one condition.” I looked at him curiously “what condition?” I asked “this has to stop” he said holding up my arm so that my sleeves fell revealing my arm that were wrapped in bandages, I tried to hide my face in shame, but he touched my chin gently, guiding my face back to his. I realized his face was only inches from my own. Oh man, His eyes didn’t look like they could possibly belong to a human; no for sure those were angel’s eyes. I could smell his breath it was so sweet. “Only if you do” I whispered. “Deal” He whispered as he closed the gap between our lips, I closed my eyes as I felt all his love flow through the kiss, as though it was some sort of connector cable of two lives, I wondered if he felt the exact same way. I wished that moment would have lasted forever but; no. “Hey love birds we gonna eat or what” Max’s voice boomed through my very first taste of hope and romance. Our lips broke but the connection didn’t I could still feel His love flowing through my veins, even as we ate cheeseburgers from Sam’s burger house in that park. Ha this park actually. That’s right I am sitting in that very same park, that was forty years ago, seems like ages but yet every time I say his name I still feel him.Prom was right across the street and when we showed up we told Kenji the truth He didn’t believe us but the truth was revealed after they got married. It was a terrible divorce. Josh and I got married as soon as I graduated here in this park, oh, by the way forty years today I have not intentionally inflicted pain upon my self. We had Five kids who are almost all moved out. We visited this park every month to play, walk or just sit and talk, I still do.
    Today we buried Josh in this parks sweet sentimental soil. By the way the name of the park is…….



    SIDELINER.