• Darkness fills my vision and I peer into the pitch black, my eyes straining to pick up any possible movement beyond. I hear a click above my head and I am welcomed with the cool feel of metal encasing my wrists. The sheets beneath me scratch at my bare skin as I shift my weight. I stop…

    1,2,3,4

    Pain erupts, and colour explodes, dark crimson almost becoming a deep purple is burnt into my retina. I watch as the colours dance across my vision, slowly fizzling out until I am left in the darkness She bound me too.

    1,2,3

    My chest heaves, I breathe in, my vision is once again flooded. A malicious laugh fills the room, making shivers run down my back turning liquid rubies to ice. Hairs raise and flesh is suddenly plummeted into heat.

    1,2

    Finally, breath tickled against my ear bringing the four small words I have craved night after night “You are so beautiful”.

    The next morning I wake stiff and cold, the satisfactory feeling I had last night has fled with the coming of the sun. I keep my eyes closed, moving my hands over my skin, assessing damages before I stand unsteadily, wincing as I move to the mirror I keep close by. A quick glance and I wince again. Moonshine skin is covered in dusk bruises complemented by red welts, bloodshot eyes and the feverish glow of the morning after. A small tear escapes my eye. I turn away quickly, if I wasn’t in the kitchen making breakfast by eight it would be more dusk splotches and another shower for me.

    I walk slowly to the kitchen keeping my eyes down avoiding the hall mirrors as I count my steps.

    1,2,3,4,5

    The kitchen is dimly lit and the counter is scattered with various tools that will most likely come in use later. I light a match and watch the flame dance on the wick, its colours vibrant against the dull grey of the kitchen. I start to make a pot of coffee, movements slow and measured, reminding myself to use just warm water; next I “accidently” burn the toast. The table is set and I wait…

    1,2,3,4

    I glance up quickly as I hear the door open then lower my gaze. She sits at the table and I can already hear Her condescending words echo through my skull. I look across at Her, taking in Her flowing sunshine hair, sharp features, tanned skin and long legs. She stares back at me with penetrating blue eyes and I shrink back, attempting to hide my imperfections while serving Her breakfast. I quickly sit in my seat, keeping my eyes downcast.

    1,2,3

    I am yanked out of the chair, my lower back hitting the corner of the table, I yelp letting out my held breath as She leans closer, and Her ice cold words seep right down to my bones, “It seems you have been careless this morning, pet. You cannot afford such behaviour, especially when you are expendable.” I nod my head and attempt to stop my insides that were now shredded from spilling on the floor. I apologise for being remiss but the damage is done.

    After remaking the coffee I escape the kitchen to the bathroom, starting my every morning vigil. I take a quick shower, turning the water on as hot as possible as it pounds down on my flesh leaving me feeling seared and out of breath. Next it’s to the bathroom cabinet. She always preferred raw salt rubbed into broken skin but today I would need to do more than that. Pristine white gauze is applied, stained with anti-bacterial cream.

    1,2,3,4

    I swallow down my pills and a few extra; apparently I have become more obsessive.

    1,2,3,4,5

    Footsteps in the hall sound outside, reminding me that I’ve taken too long. 10 minutes later and I’m beginning to think that I should have swallowed the whole container. The mirror leers at me as I walk past it, as if to say “you were never beautiful anyway, no matter how often you give yourself to Her” I let out a sad sigh and continue my walk to the lounge. Upon arriving I see Her. In all Her perfection sitting with a book in hand and suddenly I know. I instantly spin around in an attempt to leave, to pretend that it wasn’t going to happen. But She had other ideas for me, a single command and I am unable to continue running….

    It isn’t a game anymore.

    1,2,3

    That’s how long it took for me to fully understand the word expendable She had branded on my forehead. 3 seconds. I know, I counted, and it still rings through my ears every morning. Every night. I glare into the mirror at myself, self-loathing painted on my face as I take the last pill from the bottle and watch as my vision is once again filled with darkness.