• "Oakshire Safe House"

    EXT. Oakshire Safe House - day

    SUPERIMPOSE: Oakshire Safe House, Ontario. Post-Zombie Apocalypse 2:27 PM

    INT. Oakshire safe house - Day

    There is a small pile of sand on the floor. EMILY D. WOLBERT and MARINA BELLUCCI step up to the pile, both dressed in dressy clothes, Bellucci wearing a trench coat. Emily crouches down and scoops up some of the dirt. She stands up.

    Marina Bellucci

    What do you think it is Wolbert?

    Emily D. Wolbert

    Well Bellucci, I have this theory.

    (Beat)

    Would you like to hear it?

    MARINA BELLUCCI

    Sure?

    EMILY D. WOLBERT

    It is my belief that this dirt is actually extraterrestrial waste, burned down and ejected out of an alien spacecraft. Native folklore in this area tells of a great spirit of the sky that passes over them every year, and sprinkles the dust of their ancestors back to the earth. I believe this

    (raises the hand holding the dirt)

    is that dust. This Bellucci, is proof of the existence of extraterrestrial life on earth.

    MARINA BELLUCCI

    Wolbert, that makes no sense. You need to introduce scientific logic into your thesis, you can't just come up with generalized theories based on your own beliefs as an explanation for everything that occurs in your life.

    EMILY D. WOLBERT

    But Bellucci. It happened to me, I'm not lying. I was abducted by aliens.

    MARINA BELLUCCI

    Wolbert...

    EMILY D. WOLBERT

    No Bellucci, why can you not see the truth when it is before your very eyes?

    MARINA BELLUCCI

    I see no truth Wolbert. There is nothing here but a pile of dirt. Dirt Wolbert. Dirt.

    EMILY D. WOLBERT

    They did tests Bellucci...

    MARINA BELLUCCI

    Wolbert... not this again.

    PAN: from a far shot of wolbert and bellucci to a medium shot of sgt. james g. rogers.

    SGT. JAMES G. ROGERS is sitting up against a wall, looking troubled and menacing. His face is dirty for no good reason.

    SGT. James G. Rogers

    I think you need to shut it woman. Shut it and listen well. For you see,

    (Beat)

    aliens really do exist.

    Wolbert smiles smugly at Bellucci.

    SGT. JAMES G. ROGERS - Cont.

    Yes, it all happened a long time ago, back in the days when I was enlisted in the Canadian Armed Forces. In those days you wouldn't call me James Rogers,

    (Beat)

    EXT. Battle Field - Day

    The Sargent is holding a gun and lets out a scream that has significantly lowered volume.

    SGT. JAMES G. ROGERS (V.o.)

    You would call me Sargent James G. Rogers, head of the entire Afghanistan Relief Force, that consisted of myself and one other man.

    The Sargent begins firing a barrage of bullets at enemies and pumping his other fist in the air as he screams.

    SGT. JAMES G. ROGERS (v.o.) - CONT.

    MAN HUGHES. And boy was Hughes a man. He could drive those bullets into enemy skull maniacally, rhythmlessly, like a teenage boy having sex.

    Man Hughes fires wildly with a huge grin beside The Sargent. Enemy soldiers are dropping left and right.

    SGT. JAMES G. ROGERS

    And that was when I saw it flying high above the trees, hovering over our heads.

    The Sargent looks up and sees the UFO hovering over them, and, being distracted, shoots Man Hughes in the head. He screams and cries out as he falls to his knees.

    INT. OAKSHIRE SAFE HOUSE - DAY

    MARINA BELLUCCI

    You shot him in the head?

    SGT. JAMES G. ROGERS

    Yes we lost 50% of our team that day. It's burned on my memory like a teenager having sex.

    EMILY D. WOLBERT

    (Looking amazed)

    That's amazing. Did you hear that Bellucci?

    MARINA BELLUCCI

    (To The Sargent)

    Wait, did you say it was like a teenager having sex?

    SGT. JAMES G. ROGERS

    Yes, what's it to you woman?

    MARINA BELLUCCI

    First of all, you used that simile two times, the second time it didn't even make sense.

    EMILY D. WOLBERT

    I think it made sense.

    MARINA BELLUCCI

    Second of all, our Afghanistan Relief Force isn't just made up of two men, it's a compilation of many men.

    EMILY D. WOLBERT

    Bellucci?

    MARINA BELLUCCI

    Thirdly, we as Canadians are peacekeepers, not fighters.

    EMILY D. WOLBERT

    Bellucci?

    SGT. JAMES G. ROGERS

    The country couldn't afford any more troops. Most of the budget went towards doctors

    rs.

    Ext. Doctors setup - day

    There are something like 7 doctors all standing around holding clipboards looking at each other and shifting from foot to foot.

    Doctor #1

    So,

    (Beat)

    Who wants to play scrabble?

    Docter #2 slaps Doctor #1 across the face and walks off, while another one of the doctor's raises their hand hesitantly.

    INT. OAKSHIRE SAFE HOUSE - DAY

    MARINA BELLUCCI

    That's nonsense! Canada was in a good economic state and could afford more than two soldiers.

    SGT. JAMES G. ROGERS

    You seem to know a lot about the country. What are you?

    (Beat)

    A communist?

    MARINA BELLUCCI

    (Shocked)

    A communist?

    EMILY D. WOLBERT

    (Louder than previously)

    Bellucci!

    MARINA BELLUCCI

    For you're information, before these zombies popped out of nowhere, I was a CISA agent.

    Bellucci pulls out a badge that has her picture on it, and CISA written in different colored crayons.


    SGT. JAMES G. ROGERS

    Why is that written in crayon?

    MARINA BELLUCCI

    (Hesitantly)

    We we couldn't afford ink for our cards.

    EMILY D. WOLBERT

    (Screaming at the top of her lungs)

    BELLUCCI!

    MARINA BELLUCCI

    What is it?

    EMILY D. WOLBERT

    Look! The pile of alien waste has grown.

    MARINA BELLUCCI

    You mean the pile of dirt?

    EMILY D. WOLBERT

    Just look!

    PAN: so that the grown pile of dirt is shown.

    Wolbert and Bellucci both crouch down.

    EMILY D. WOLBERT

    Believe me now Bellucci?

    MARINA BELLUCCI

    There has to be some logical explanation for all of this...

    MEGAN K. MORLEY walks into the room from an open door leading outside and drops some dirt on the floor.

    Megan k. morley

    (Screaming)

    STAY AWAY FROM MY DIRT!

    Megan kicks Bellucci in the leg and runs back outside.

    SGT. JAMES G. ROGERS

    That woman will be the death of us.

    Jazzy and sexual music begin playing, and ELVIRA VON RICHTENHOVEN steps into the room. She is wearing slutty clothing and her hair has a huge amount of volume.

    PAN: from elvira's feet as she steps in, up her legs and to her face.

    ELVIRA VON RICHTENHOVEN

    (Chewing bubblegum)

    Did somebody say sex?

    The Sargent rises to his feet. Wolbert and Bellucci make confused faces.

    SGT. JAMES G. ROGERS

    Well ma'am, I was just saying that that Megan woman out there is going to get us all killed.

    EXT. OAKSHIRE SAFE HOUSE - DAY

    Megan is on her knees and scratching the ground to get at the dirt while making demented grunting noises.

    INT. OAKSHIRE SAFE HOUSE - DAY

    Elvira walks over to The Sargent.

    ELVIRA VON RICHTENHOVEN

    That's mighty interesting Mr...

    SGT. JAMES G. ROGERS

    Rogers. James Rogers. But you can call me Sarge if you like.

    ELVIRA VON RICHTENHOVEN

    (Grabbing at The Sargent's shirt)

    Well Sexmiester. I find the army very, very sexy.

    Wolbert nudges Bellucci and points at The Sargent's crotch, which now sports a giant erection.

    EMILY D. WOLBERT

    (Whispering)

    Look at the size of that thing! It's huge!

    MARINA BELLUCCI

    (Also whispering)

    I've seen bigger.

    cut-to: zephyr a. coles

    ZEPHYR A. COLES is sitting in the corner, listening to his iPod really loudly. He's dressed in the stereotypical emoish goth outfit, makeup, black clothes, chains, so on. He also has a dead expression. The music in his iPod abruptly stops and he takes out the earphones.

    ZEPHYR A. COLES

    My iPod is dead.

    EMILY D. WOLBERT

    (To Bellucci)

    What do you mean you've seen bigger?

    (Voice is getting louder)

    That thing could sink the Titanic!

    ELVIRA VON RICHTENHOVEN

    (To Wolbert)

    You know... there's a big bedroom upstairs that's nice and soft.

    (She twirls her finger on The Sargent's chest)

    MARINA BELLUCCI

    (To Wolbert)

    I have actually seen a p***s two times the size of his.

    EMILY D. WOLBERT

    Two times the size? I'm surprised he hasn't passed out from lack of blood going to the rest of his body! Look at that thing Belucci!

    Zephyr is writing lyrics on the wall that say, "My darkness grew with every passing second, and as the antidote withered away,"

    He writes the rest of the lyrics as he says them.

    ZEPHYR A. COLES

    It engulfed me in the pain of my mistakes and blinded me with agonizing pain.

    MARINA BELLUCCI

    If you are inferring that I can't get a man, then you are sadly mistaken.

    EMILY D. WOLBERT

    A man with a p***s bigger than that? Any bigger and he would be a weird human shaped growth on the side of a giant c**k!

    The screen freezes on Wolbert's frantic expression, and Bellucci's annoyed/disappointed face. A dinging noise goes off.

    SUPERIMPOSE: TIP #42 In the midst of a zombie apocalypse, don't make an excessive amount of noise. Zombies can in fact still hear you.

    The screen unfreezes.

    cut-to:

    ext. The woods - day

    Two zombies are walking through the woods in their shambling ways.

    EMILY D. WOLBERT (O.c.)

    (Voice is light and far off)

    I don't even know how he's still standing upright!

    ZOMBIE DAVE'S head snaps around towards the sound and it makes moaning noises. ZOMBIE DAVE turns to ZOMBIE CHUCK to speak. (They just groan, and their dialogue is written as subtitles.)

    ZOMBIE DAVE

    Chuck. Did you hear that?

    ZOMBIE CHUCK

    Hear what Dave?

    ZOMBIE DAVE

    That noise.

    ZOMBIE CHUCK

    Well of course you heard a noise, what else would you be hearing? I don't know about you, but I haven't heard the color yellow lately.

    ZOMBIE DAVE

    Hey, shut up man.

    ZOMBIE CHUCK

    Maybe you should get your brain checked dude.

    ZOMBIE DAVE

    Speaking of brains, I though I heard a human just down there. You must have been deaf not to hear it.

    ZOMBIE CHUCK

    Well I didn't. Are you sure you aren't just hallucinating?

    EMILY D. WOLBERT (O.C.)

    (Voice is still light and far off)

    Watch out Bellucci! It's a Cockosaurus-Rex!!

    ZOMBIE DAVE

    Come on man, you can't tell me you didn't hear that!

    ZOMBIE CHUCK

    Hear what?

    (After receiving a dirty look from Zombie Dave)

    Okay, lets go check it out.

    The two zombies shamble off towards Wolbert's voice.

    INT. OAKSHIRE SAFE HOUSE - DAY

    SGT. JAMES G. ROGERS

    So sweet stuff, I was wondering...

    ELVIRA VON RICHTENHOVEN

    Yes Sexmeister?

    (She flips her hair)

    SGT. JAMES G. ROGERS

    Can I put my p***s inside of you and thrust until we both orgasm,and then perhaps proceed with some pillow talk for a few minutes?

    Elvira slaps The Sargent across the face, spins around and walks away. The Sargent stands staring in awe for a moment, then starts crying and covers his face. Elvira walks over to Wolbert and Bellucci.

    ELVIRA VON RICHTENHOVEN

    (To Bellucci)

    So, I overheard you saying you two are in CISA?

    MARINA BELLUCCI

    Umm... yes, that is correct.

    ELVIRA VON RICHTENHOVEN

    Now tell me, are those breast real? Because they are simply luxurious.

    Zephyr gets out of his corner and walks over to The Sarge. He sits down beside him.

    ZEPHYR A. COLES

    Hey.

    SGT. JAMES G. ROGERS

    (Wiping his eyes)

    Hello.

    ZEPHYR A. COLES

    So are you only attracted to women?

    SGT. JAMES G. ROGERS

    What kind of question is that? Of course I am.

    ZEPHYR A. COLES

    (Beat)

    Well are you maybe curious as to what it might be like if like maybe, me and you...

    SGT. JAMES G. ROGERS

    (Annoyed)

    What.

    ZEPHYR A. COLES

    Were to... make out. Right now.

    SGT. JAMES G. ROGERS

    I've only been asked that question by another male once before in my life. It happened a long time ago during my days in the Canadian Armed Forces.

    ext. battle ground forest - day

    The Sargent is running through the forest, and dives just as an explosion goes off behind him. He gets up and there is a beautiful woman standing before him in a red dress. She smiles at him, then slaps him after some romantic music finishes playing. His head is turned one way from the slap, and he sees a man who is smiling, standing there with flowers.

    Man #1

    Will you make out with me?

    INT. OAKSHIRE SAFE HOUSE - DAY

    ZEPHYR A. COLES

    Wait, is that a yes you do want to make out?

    The Sargent sits, lost in memory for a few moments, then responds.

    SGT. JAMES G. ROGERS

    No. Sorry son, but my p***s swings only for the ladies, and my lips follow my p***s.

    Zephyr cocks his head off to one side, confused, then pulls a marker and paper out of his pocket. The paper has a lot of tally's on it. Zephyr adds another one.

    SGT. JAMES G. ROGERS

    Hey, what's that?

    ZEPHYR A. COLES

    I add a tally to this page, every time I kill someone in my head.

    SGT. JAMES G. ROGERS

    You know what, that's pretty cool.

    (Beat)

    Wait, did you just kill me in your head?

    EXT. THE WOODS - DAY

    The zombies are shambling slowly along, and Zombie Dave points ahead of them.

    ZOMBIE DAVE

    Hey man! Take a look. It's a human!

    (Pointing at Megan who is digging up more dirt.)

    ZOMBIE CHUCK

    I don't see anything.

    ZOMBIE DAVE

    Oh, what, so you're blind too?!

    ZOMBIE CHUCK

    Hey shut up man, I didn't have the coordination to pick up my glasses when I dropped them last.

    ZOMBIE DAVE

    Ahh yeah, the coordination thing. I hate it. Look, I can't even close my hand into a fist.

    (Fingers curl in but not far enough to become a fist)

    ZOMBIE CHUCK

    How did we take over 99% of the population again? We can't even open a door without banging our heads off of it over and over.

    ZOMBIE DAVE

    Now that's the sad truth.

    EXT. OAKSHIRE SAFE HOUSE - DAY

    Megan is still clawing at the dirt, and behind her you can see that the door is open. The screen freezes, and you can hear a dinging sound.

    SUPERIMPOSE: Tip #68 Do not go outside of your safe house unless it is absolutely necessary, and only if you are prepared to survive.

    cut-to: the open door

    The screen freezes again, and is accompanied by the dinging sound.

    SUPERIMPOSE: Tip #70 If you do need to go outside, don't leave your safe house door open.

    INT. OAKSHIRE SAFE HOUSE - DAY

    Elvira slaps Bellucci in the face and walks off. Bellucci holds her face while making a shocked expression.

    EMILY D. WOLBERT

    I can't believe you actually asked her to do that with you.

    MARINA BELLUCCI

    Be quiet Wolbert. That woman is irresistible.

    EMILY D. WOLBERT

    I don't think she is.

    MARINA BELLUCCI

    Did you even see the way she was flirting with me? There is no...

    Cut-To: zephyr and the sargent

    SGT. JAMES G. ROGERS

    No, no. That's all wrong. You have to imagine TWISTING the knife as well. The blood pouring out of my eye socket, the spasms in my body as the knife pokes certain parts of the brain.

    ZEPHYR A. COLES

    Dude, that is so dark.

    SGT. JAMES G. ROGERS

    Well, I've seen a lot of that kind of stuff in my days in the Canadian Armed Forces.

    (Beat)

    You know, I think you and me need to try and stick together.

    ZEPHYR A. COLES

    Like how?

    SGT. JAMES G. ROGERS

    Well, we're the only guys here, and even if that might seem like a sex filled paradise, it's really not.

    ZEPHYR A. COLES

    It isn't?

    SGT. JAMES G. ROGERS

    No. The only thing us men have is brute strength. And there is enough of them that they could bring us down easily. Not only that, but they're sneaky... sly too.

    ZEPHYR A. COLES

    How so?

    SGT. JAMES G. ROGERS

    Let's just say that if a fox had sex with a ninja, you might get a girl in the process. And let's face it, we're no match for they're wit! I'm almost as big of a loser as you, there's no way we'll survive unless we work together.

    Zephyr marks another tally on the page.

    SGT. JAMES G. ROGERS

    Did you twist the knife this time?

    A high pitched scream goes off, and everyone turns to face the door where Megan is standing, dropping her pile of dirt on the floor.

    MEGAN K. MORLEY

    (Screaming)

    WHO TOUCHED MY DIRT?

    The two zombies shamble into view behind her and stand there for a moment, then the screen goes black.

    A picture of a zombie in a chefs hat holding green brains appears onscreen, with the text, "Veggie Brains" written on it.

    Narrator

    For all of you vegetarian zombies out there, now there are Veggie-Brains! They supply you with essential nutrients, yet still has that fresh brain taste! Buy now!