• The lights were turned off, the room quiet and the air smelled dry as I sat on my bed, my back against the wall. My arms rested on my lap as I stared at them, my black nail polish scratched all over from all the biting I had done to my nails. I had a tendency to do that whenever I was nervous... or sad about something.

    My mind was blank, nothing crossing through it. It seemed like if I was a porcelain doll, laying there emotionless as I waited for someone to pick me up and play with me. My eyes showed no signs of life yet there was a small flicker deep within. My heart thumped blood, slowly but it still functioned. After sitting there for what seemed an eternity, I crawled to my night table, turned on the lamp and opened the diary that was secretly stashed in my subconsciousness.

    I opened it and started to pass the mental pages, recalling all the memories I thought had disappeared long ago after I had lost myself in sorrow and depression... They flashed before my eyes like a movie, never ending, sinking into my heart like a sword from all the pain it caused me to remember. Why was I hurting myself this way? Why? Am I a masochist? Is that it? Why do I suffer so much for someone who wouldn't want me again after the hatred I had sown myself into him? He would never come back, ever! He would never love me again the same way, never!!

    Suddenly, my mind stopped working and my eyes flung opened as I felt a painful stab in my heart, causing me to breathe heavily and my tears to overflow, clouding my sight. I try to desperately reach for something sharp and carve my heart out, let the blood make my skin warm... If lucky, maybe die...

    I don't remember the exact amount of time I was locked inside that solitary room... Could've been hours, days, months, years... Who knew? I had enclosed myself from the world, and when I had to come out, it was with a mask... just so I could hide my shame and my sadness behind it... No one saw how much I had fallen into despair. I continued that way for such a long time, I had believed the lies myself and forgotten how miserable I was... If the pain had surged again, I would push it back in, bottle it inside, and allow it to rip me apart...

    I winced in pain every time I remembered the liar I had become......

    It was hard to attach myself to someone, or something... Afraid to be hurt again, to be left behind if I ever made a mistake, I was cautious of my words and did my hardest to make them love me... Love this me, the new me I had constructed for the world. If I could make the rest of the world happy, then my effort wouldn't have been in vain. In the end, it worked out perfectly. No one saw through me, no one. I tried to find love in the people who claimed to love me and it was inevitable... I couldn't love them the same way. I let them go, knowing someone would truly love them.

    As I sat one day, depressed beyond belief, in a small town amongst the ones who had learned to love me, the person I thought would never expect around these parts anymore appeared before me. My eyes opened widely and before I realized it and could stop myself, I was already on top of him, embracing him with the biggest smile on my face. It was my dear friend who I had lost many times because I hadn't seen how much he loved me.

    ...What is this fluttering inside me, this warmth, this... sensation of joy? I had forgotten how it felt and it made me smile more and more as he spoke to me with equal joy.

    It didn't take me long to notice that... he was the one who had brought me out of my shell... How did he do it? How? Is it possible? Do I still have hope...?!

    ...Yes... Yes I do...

    After hearing how he needed me, how he yearned for my heart to belong to him, this heart that I claimed broken and torn to pieces... I couldn't help but say yes to his request and once again, give myself to him.

    We continued to talk, be friends, and give each other all the love we had to grant the other. With the help of someone who suffered the same as me, he unlocked my heart just by letting me whisper all the amazing feelings, and thoughts the man I had come to love more than my life had given me. It was so overwhelming that I snapped out of that fake reality, or fictional world I had lived for so long, and stepped out to the world that was real and that seemed safe enough to live in now.

    Now... with this new life I have and with this new chance to be truly happy, I will give my soul, my heart and everything that I am to the man who unlocked and healed my heart.

    Xenobu, thank you. You make me truly happy. You alone did what no one else could and for that, I shall be eternally grateful. I love you so much, I do. I never saw it more clear than now. I love you with my whole being, I love you.

    ...I love you...