• Headache I’m getting it low grades I can’t believe I’m falling into my ‘other’ self and she friggin’ doesn’t understand me it’s like inhaling gas the odor just goes into your system short-circuits you or something or short-circuits your mother which in turn short-circuits you it’s like this huge wave the wave they say that kills killer wave you’re walled inside and you just know you’ll drown but the water runs down your esophagus and passes by your lungs you know you’re gonna die but you don’t you just wanna die but you don’t my headache wrecks me my thinking my concentration I’m in this tunnel track level and I can hear the train coming but I’m not moving I don’t want to 600 volts of electricity at my feet 600 volts of electricity in my system but it doesn’t kill me I jump I’m wearing rubber-sole sneakers and it’s still supposed to kill me the train is there I can see the lights it reminds me of NDE but ******** I don’t wanna die but then again I’m desperate to 600 volts of electricity can’t do nothing this 20 ton vehicle probably should I wait it takes forever I read in the Bible you’re not supposed to commit suicide but what if you’re desperate? You’re not supposed to commit suicide because it’ll put you in hell but what if you’re already in hell and suicide is the only way to getting to your little heaven? It’s unfair it makes me believe there’s no such thing as god no such thing as redemption and salvation and those kind of crap your devoted grandmothers and great grand aunties feed you when you were a kid I kind of abandoned that stage here I am in the stage of waiting for something the train it gets nearer and closer but I don’t feel it when I wake up lights blinding lights I think I’m in heaven why is it in heaven that you feel pain? Then I realize I’m not in heaven I’m in frigging Toronto East Gen., being wheeled in the headache has returned and I start crying I wish I was flying billions of feet up or freaking 2000 no 2000000 ka-zillion leagues under the sea where it’s too cold and too far for anything to reach you can’t feel anything no emotions can ruin you then again I already feel I’m 2xxxxxxxxxx leagues under the sea where I feel so frigging lonely where everything I do is a mistake because I can’t get out of here except through fancies I dream a lot dreaming or day dreaming is my escape and the tears are the vessels of my dreams but where do they end up? On the gravel it starts high on the mind and ends up on the ground I figured that’s how everything goes you start up in the skies and end up at the bottom of sea trenches desolate abandoned cold warmth a myth sun stories brought down by generations I’m 2xxxxxxxxxx leagues under the sea but tonight I can write about anything tonight I can dance tonight guys will kiss me in the rain tonight I can wear Prada and LV and Chanel spray Lacoste on me I will wear Guess jeans tonight I can slide down the moon tonight my skin is silk I no longer fear rejection or my incapacities for tonight I dream I always dream of knowing how to hold my breath and swim so I can break the surface and breathe again the sea air is wonderful a hint of salt and the wind in your hair whipping your face the sun beaming down on you greeting you on your success for breaking free but every time I hold my breath I choke and I wake up still 2xxxxxxxxxx leagues under the sea corpses float should I be a corpse to float? There are no life buoys for me my body would then be a buoy to break the surface faster if 600 volts of electricity wouldn’t do it I rehearse for the passage as I do I return to the time I was five when I had those imaginary friends to accompany me now I have no one not a single face probably driven away by the headache god that headache a sack of bricks sitting on my head weighing me down rubbing my face against gravel I can lick the gravel I feel it down my throat it makes me suffer more to think I have to get up remove this sack and get up you know it makes me suffer more mentally to know I have to fight when all my energy has been used up fighting against this headache in the first place I’m drained and nowhere to go the ropes the pond the blade the pills the tonic are all too scary for me I don’t know where to go from here