• Numb

    I’m numb
    and I know why
    but what I don’t know is
    Why it wont go away
    I feel nothing
    I can cry without feeling
    anything at all
    there’s nothing left
    In this husk I call a body
    just an empty vessel
    filled with a wandering spirit
    trying to please the crowd
    but when I’m all alone
    It comes backs
    the numbness
    the absolute absence of feeling
    I hate being alone
    I fear being alone
    and I love it at the same time
    I may leave my body
    but my soul is free to wander
    and that’s what I am now
    an empty husk with a wandering soul
    There’s nothing left within me anymore
    and this wreckage I call a heart has finally collapsed
    It’s amazing how you can still love the people who
    hurt you with all the little pieces that are left over
    my empty husk, my pieces of heart, my wandering soul
    NUMB
    I don’t want to be numb anymore
    but there’s nothing I can do
    I want to feel whole again
    a part of me is missing
    most parts of me are missing
    and they need to be replaced
    I put on a mask for the people who see me
    but they don’t see the real me
    only I know the real me
    and maybe that’s what makes me numb
    but I don’t know
    I have no idea what to do
    I’m so confused
    I feel broken
    used
    thrown away
    trashed
    mutilated
    DEAD
    NUMB
    and there’s nothing I can do
    I want to be the happy self I used to be
    even when I wasn’t whole
    but there’s to much of me missing
    to replace anything
    and if it’s replaced then it’s not mine
    I need to re-grow what’s been destroyed
    my body’s hot
    but I don’t feel a thing
    I never feel anymore
    what’s wrong with me?
    I’m not depressed I’m just numb
    NUMB
    what a seemingly harmless word
    but its as powerful as love
    as death
    It’s just one of those words
    when you’ve experienced it
    you know how powerful it can be
    the only way to learn is the had way
    why can’t I just feel
    I don’t care if I feel sad
    I just want to feel
    I’m so tired on being numb
    I’d do almost anything to feel again
    sure I feel physical pain
    but there are no emotions
    in this husk I call a body
    none at all
    not even when I cry
    when you cry it’s either cause your happy
    or sad
    or feeling something
    but no the tears just stream down my face
    with no rhyme or reason at all
    I don’t know if in vulnerable
    or if I’m invincible
    but I don’t care
    I care about feelings
    I can’t even enjoy my friends anymore
    the numbness is so great
    It’s been consuming me lately and
    there’s nothing I can do
    I am often reminded of the poem
    “the raven” by edgar allen poe
    I love that poem
    most people think it’s creepy
    but I like it
    I connect to it somehow
    Maybe this was how poe was feeling
    when the woman he loved died
    NUMB
    there’s nothing we can do
    “Cried the raven ‘Nevermore’”
    I want to forget what happened
    and move on with my life
    but in this state
    there’s really nothing I can do
    I feel nothing
    except alone
    even when there are people around
    It’s just me
    In my empty husk I call a body
    with a wandering soul
    and a heart of shattered glass
    I am a stranger to my friends
    for they don’t know me
    they only now of the mask
    that hides my face
    the mask named katy
    the real me is deep inside
    with a beautiful name
    and a beautiful soul to match
    but it seems she’s been locked in a cage
    with no way out
    I feel so dirty even when I’m clean
    am I Satins spon for feeling the way I do?
    did god give up on me and this is what happened?
    I highly doubt that
    I highly doubt god
    but this numbness is something
    that needs to go
    I want, no need
    to be able to feel again
    I want a purpose in live
    and numbness isn’t it
    It makes me whatever degree of sad I can get to
    that I cant feel
    but sad’s the wrong word
    more like disappointed but not caring that much
    I don’t really care at all
    I need something in live to hold onto
    and though I have the world of books
    to escape into
    I have to face the real world eventually
    and that’s when I start to pretend
    to put on the mask that is “katy”
    an empty husk
    a wandering soul
    and a heart of shattered glass
    with nothing else inside
    except for that girl in the cage
    just waiting to get out
    to free herself from chains and
    tell the world what she loves
    and what she hates
    and stand up for the things she believes in
    I am a coward
    I am a husk
    I am a wandering soul
    and finally I am a shattered glass heart
    but that girl in her cage
    will not die
    she keeps on going
    and one day
    she will be strong and break out
    to show the world who I really am
    what I truly believe
    taking nothing for granted
    living life the way its supposed to be lived
    lots of fun
    lots of hope
    lots of hate
    and lots of love
    things I can only pretend
    with this husk of a body
    this wandering soul
    this shattered glass heart
    I try to heal but the wounds
    are so great
    there’s not much I can do
    I don’t think there’s anything I can do
    I just want to feel again
    that’s all I want right now
    If I can feel
    I can do anything
    I have no passion
    I have no faith
    I have no love
    I have no hate
    I’m an empty husk
    with a wandering soul
    and a shattered heart of glass
    I have nothing to say
    but at the same time I have everything to say
    there’s nothing that goes unsaid
    but there are things that go unheard
    I like to speak my mine but maybe that’s the
    caged girl in me
    I want to find out
    who I really am
    what I’m really like
    who and what I can be
    this girl inside of me
    why won’t the numbness go away?
    I’ve been punished enough
    haven’t I?
    the comparison of who I am
    and who I used to be
    tnd who I hope to be in the future
    once a sparrow
    then a crow
    and soon I hope
    a raven
    all birds of flight
    birds with wings
    to fly away whenever they want to
    I’m a crow with an injured wing
    a bird of fight that cannot fly
    why is there something always wrong with me?
    what was I born for?
    surely not this numbness
    there’s got to be something more to life
    something more for me
    I wish I could be picked by god, a god
    A powerful deity
    to help them with a quest
    something only I can do
    something for me to do
    anything
    just something
    something that will make me feel
    and not just pretend
    I’m saying everything
    yet I’m saying nothing all the same
    the line of difference is so small
    It’s hard to tell the difference
    like am I crazy?
    or am I a genius?
    for all I know I’m both
    for all I know I’m neither
    but then again I don’t know that much
    life is hard life is confusing
    but that’s life
    LIFE ISNT SUPPOSED TO BE NUMBNESS!
    so why am I still numb
    I don’t care about it anymore
    I bounce back fast
    or I though I did
    till this happened
    I normally get over things fast
    so why is this affecting me so?
    or has it just all built up
    and I’ve finally been overloaded
    and am starting to lose myself in the
    NUMB
    the NUMB is all I know right now
    It seems like that’s all I’ve even known
    even though just a few weeks ago I was happily
    crushing on my best friend then also happily crushing on
    some random dude whose become my friend
    I don’t understand
    why it’s taking so long to heal
    this husk of a body
    this wandering soul
    this heart of shattered glass
    this girl in a cage locked so deep away?
    I want to feel again
    but will that even happen?
    I don’t know
    I really don’t know
    “Qouth the raven ‘Nevermore’”