ideas anyone?

[Calypsophia]

I'm a step mother. my husband and I each had a child from our previous marriages and our kids are the same age. I love my stepdaughter dearly, as my only child is a boy, so this is the daughter I never had, tho she lives with her mother about 45 mins away.

the problem is... her mother is an incredibly selfish woman, who lies and manipulates others to suit her needs whatever they may be at the time. often-times, she'll change existing plans on us (for example change the time and place we're to bring Hayley to her) -even multiple times, changing plans on us 3 or 4 times every 15 mins- and holds her custody over my husbands head whenever he complains, threatening to keep him from seeing her altogether. she'll just change the rules when she feels like it for her own convenience, and I hate it! but I dont know what to do. in the past she's even insinuated that it's automatically MY responsibility to pick Hayley up if my husband has to work (he has a very changeable schedule) as if I'm somehow in their divorce decree (I went totally off on her that time), as if it's more MY responsibility to get Hayley here than it is hers to get her own daughter here. Hayley doesnt like living with her mother either. She's 14 now and they've really been butting heads, and for Hayleys sake I will come get her, but I hate that her mother wont lift a finger.. being used like this and not being able to say or do anything about it for love of Hayley and her father.... any suggestions?

(I realize many of you are my childrens age and dont have this particular experience except maybe from the kids point of view, but I'm aggrivated to the point I just need to vent.) scream  

[Sprockette]

Hmm,well I am 14 but honestly we kids can be very wise.
If I were Hayley's mother (or in your shoes) I'd ask her how she feels about all this and then I'd probably have a family discussion with the ex-wife and let Hayley voice her opinion,since she is a very important factor and her best intrest should be kept at heart.  

[Calypsophia]

heh, you're assuming we're talking about a woman who can be reasoned with. I've been with my husband for 12 years now and we havent been able to reason with her yet. it's her way, or no way. I just hate feeling like I'm under her thumb. and unfortunately, Hayleys opinion on this issue wont matter much to her mother.  

[Sprockette]

Ah,well that's interesting...she's not much of a mother....well honestly I think you should probably give her a taste of her own medicine...or bring this situation up to the custody people (Im not exactly sure what they're called) but something tells me she shouldn't be able to do that.....But Im very sorry if I am no use xp  

[Tarrien]

It sounds an awful lot like the mother doesn't want to let her daughter to see you if she can help it.... Hence her "If you want her you have to come take her, I aint driving her over" Attitude I'm getting from this post. It sounds like you might want to try to talk to your husband and his ex-wife about it... perhaps you all could work on a solution that'd suit everyone such as perhaps a set time EVERY time and who picks up or drives Hayley over.

But I'm no where near adulthood so this might not work at all... x_o I hope this sorta does help in one way or another.

Good luck.  

[Calypsophia]

hey, any input is helpful and I thank you for trying smile

according to GA law (that's where she lives) once she's 14 or 15 she could decide for herself who she'd rather live with, but she'd have to take it before a judge and we'd need a lawyer, which we dont have any money for.

and no, she's no kind of mother. way too selfish for that.....

my frustration comes from not being able to confront her on this. my husband doesnt want to make waves. he only see's his daughter every other weekend and he doesnt want that taken away. she's a very spiteful woman so even if she did this and we got the cops to enforce the divorce decree she'd do something else. I'd love to punch her face inside out, but that would cause my husband problems too, and she's not worth going to jail for. smile  

[Calypsophia]

Fenera

It sounds an awful lot like the mother doesn't want to let her daughter to see you if she can help it.... Hence her "If you want her you have to come take her, I aint driving her over" Attitude I'm getting from this post. It sounds like you might want to try to talk to your husband and his ex-wife about it... perhaps you all could work on a solution that'd suit everyone such as perhaps a set time EVERY time and who picks up or drives Hayley over.

But I'm no where near adulthood so this might not work at all... x_o I hope this sorta does help in one way or another.

Good luck.

she's in control and she likes it. when my step daughter was younger, her mother would pawn her off on relatives almost every weekend that she wasnt with us so she could go out and have fun. so my husband brought up the idea of joint custody one time because he genuinely wants to see her more and have more of an influence in her life.. but you see that would mean no more child support money for her so she was totally against it. that is the type of person she is. and recently my step daughter has told me how her mother goes thru her things and invades her privacy.. reading email, diaries, hell.. even her voicemail on her phone! it's crazy sad  

[Tarrien]

Wow, she's really selfish if she'll just leave the daughter at another's relative house and refuse joint custody for money purposes...... I don't know what to tell you really... Just sounds like she's a nut that you can't really change by the sounds of it...  

[Sprockette]

Im sorry about your situation.
In due time it'll get better!
Im somewhat religious Im not sure if you are though,ignore if that is the case, but I would just pray for thigs to ease their way comfortably.
Be positive....give her the attention that your step-daughter needs, is she allowed to call you? Because if that helps she could call you and talk to you or the father and that way it feels at least somewhat better.
I bet her mother is a good mother....she might have some problems of her own she needs to take care of.
But always be patient.  

[Nerevar Fatehand]

I hate parents like her, it's horrible, they just use their kid as a tool(I know I'm young as well 15 or 16(Bashed head with rock+scarred brain tissue=bad memory) but I've dealt with it a lot since my brother's ex and my dad are both like that in a way) The best thing you can do is take every chance to be with your step daughter and hope her mom eventually does something that will allow you to go to court to get custody of Hayley but if that never arises the best advice I can give is the always take every chance to get her for now until something comes along that can help you do something about custody.  

[Calypsophia]

oh her mother loves her, but she tends to put herself first. anything cool my step daughter gets, like a laptop or a game system or anything nice her mother ends up confiscating (which is why the laptop her father gave her is HERE instead of at her house). her mother has been married 3x (not counting my husband as her first husband) and each one she made her daughter call 'daddy', and now that her daughter is growing up she invades her privacy in ways I cant believe.

I really dont like talking down about people, but this is a horrible way to behave towards your child. she does call here often, usually to talk to her father. she's complained to her father many times, but w/o money for a lawyer our hands are tied.

it seems the best I can look forward to is the day she becomes 18 and her mother is no longer eligible to receive child support. then if she wants to live with us while she goes to college, we wont need a lawyer or court order change. 4 more years to go...  

[Sotur]

4 yrs is a really long time. sadly, the only thing i could think about u've ruled-out twice, for the same, and perfectly understandable, reason. going to court and switching custody [since she now may decide for herself] is about the most effective thing u COULD do. however, lawyers are ridiculously expensive, so it's understandable. the only other thing i can come up with is save money for a lawyer. yes, they are still expensive, but u could always browse around different ones, ask them how much would it be, if they might consider a pay-plan [is that even said like that? i mean when u pay them little by little], etc. in the mean time, as u look around and ask and find out which one would cost less, u can save some money so that some time soon [before those 4 yrs] u can try and switch custody. i'm 20, and as matter of fact my parents are divorced, but custody wasn't a problem [complicated issue, long story short: father has some thing in his brain...illness....disease...god knows wth it is, and has short-term memory loss. he's living with his parents now, they care for him, blah, blah, mom has custody and i have no major problems with her [still clash sometimes bcs she does one or another thing, won't let me do one or another thing, blah blah] but in the end it's an ok thing with her]. anyway, well...that's the only thing i can come up with. if anything else pops into my head anytime soon, or later, i'll let u know. hope it was helpful 3nodding  

[Sprockette]

I wish the best luck to you!
I hope everything works out ok.  

[Calypsophia]

thanx guys smile  

[Sprockette]

*hugs* you're welcome!
anytime you need advice we're always here! mrgreen