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 Posted: Sun Jul 23, 2006 1:58 am
I dont really know where exactly to begin, all this is new to someone like me. I know theres not alot of advice anyone can give me, but I guess I need a place to express my emotions, so why not here...
If you dont feel like reading this long thing, I guess my question would be 'How does one get over a broken heart, a lost love?'
So I guess I'll start at the begining.
I had never been in love, never had a broken heart, never experianced any kind of serious relationship until I met him. In all honesty, I had never had a sexual incounter with a man until him. When I first met him, the thought never occured to me that we would hit it off. He was the shy sort of guy, and I was the happy go lucky kind of girl who talked to anyone and everyone who'd listen. But to my surprise it was him who found me after our first meeting, and he who wanted a friendship. We were all young, at the start of our carreers, searching for a friendly face in a sea of stress. Before I knew it he became my best friend, in a place which I deamed as good as Hell.
I knew after our first fight that I was falling hard for him. And it scared me. He was upset about how I was friends with everyone, spacing my limited time between him, and the other three boys that were fighting for my attention. (Okay I'm not trying to sound like a whore or anything right there. I'm in the Marine Corps, theres like 50 males to one female, and they all hit on you!) He kept telling me that it was like a contest with all them and he hated it. He didnt want to be part of any contest, he just wanted to spend as much time with me as he could.
Like I always used to do, I explained my problems away with words. I didnt want him to know how much I wanted to spend time with him. But despite my efforts, I couldnt keep myself away, and he was more than happy to just sit in the silence of my presence. It didnt matter that we had nothing to talk about, since we'd already talked ourselves out, it didnt matter that we were surrounded by loud annyoing people, trying to enjoy a game of pool, or watch two movies at once. Just being with each other made that hell a heaven. He was my safe Haven, and I his. We'd call each other every night, talking each other to sleep. And every morning we'd rush to the chow hall to eat breakfast in each others company.
Before I knew it, before I could stop it, I fell in love with him. So I tried to stop myself. I tried to spend more time with other people, more time away from him. It only caused another fight. We both cried, and I knew he had fallen for me the same as I had fallen for him. I gave him my ring, and told him that it contained my heart. We started dateing.
Weeks flew by, it had felt like we had spent a lifetime together. I remember that night like it happened only moments ago. When the words I love you spilled from our lips. I was scared, I had never been in love before, but he promised he would never hurt me, he promised to love me forever. After more moments together he told me he wanted to Marry me. We planed the rest of our lives out toghter. After I joined the Marine Corps, we would marry, move in together, and if the day ever came, he would bare my child.
I was falling for him hard. But the fateful day came when our paths had to part. He had to go home, while I was stationed halfway across the world. At the first availiable opportinutiy, we both split our money and a flew in to see him. I spent 10 days in the pure bliss of his company. I learned more about who he was, met his family, and his friends. I learned what living with him would be like, and I couldnt wait till I could.
Yet again our time ended, and we were seperated, me forced to return to the new Hell that I call a home. The distance was hard. We fought, and we made up, neither of us could bare the thought of breaking up. No matter what are problems were, we loved each other, and thats all that mattered. He kept telling me that no matter what happens, he'd always love me, and that would never change. But the fighting got worse and worse, about anything. It seemed like we faught every week. Sometimes it was my fault sometimes it was his, but it doesnt really matter whose at fault, we both failed in the end.
Just recently, 7 days ago, a day after my 19th birthday we got into our last and final fight. It doesnt matter what we fought about, but in the end it was our last straw. He said he didnt want to be with me anymore. He wasnt happy anymore. I couldnt satisfy his thirsts.
His words broke my heart, and are tearing apart my calm exterior. He was the only person I'd ever loved, an d he was leaving me. We've gone 3 days without calling each other...it may not seem like alot to you, but when you've talked every day for the past...9, 10 months, 3 days is a life time. I'm dying inside and I dont know what to do.
He doesnt want to be with me, and it kills me, but I'm not going to try to get him back. I want him to be happy, and if that meens not being with me will make him happy, than thats what will happen.
But I love him. My friends told me to move on, date other people, do anything to keep him off my mind. So I went out with someone else, someone whose proclaimed his attraction to me since I arrived on this base. But everytime he hugs me, I think of Him, and everytime he kisses me I think of Him, and everytime I say goodbye on the phone, I think of His name, but say this guys name. It kills me inside, trying to be with someone else, when the one I want to be with, the one that my heart belongs to isnt him. I wonder if hes found someone else, and I wonder if he thinks about me like I think about him...I wish I could tell him sorry for all the mistakes I had made, I knew I had been the cause of alot of the damage. It was my first serious relationship and I was scared...
Now what do I do with my life?
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Posted: Sun Jul 23, 2006 9:11 am
Aw I'm sorry. *hugs*. Maybe your moving on a little too quickly. I mean you said that he broke up with you about a week ago. Sometimes these things just take time to heal. So maybe tell the guy whos currently liking you that you just want to be friends right now until you think your thoughts through and everything. I hope that does help you.
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Posted: Tue Jul 25, 2006 6:13 pm
Okay, first off I applaud you on the way you write. It's expressive, and even though it's personal problem I was entertained reading it. I agree, I think your trying to get over him too fast. You need to take time to get over him personally. Throwing yourself into another relationship, I believe, will not make you feel any better. It'll hurt, obviously, being without him or the comfort of any man. But its inside of you to let go. And to be honest, he's probably hurting just as bad at you are right now. He may not have been happy with you, but that doesn't mean he's happy without you. Maybe there was something in the relationship that you could fix, instead of throwing it away.
*Just my opinions.
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Posted: Tue Jul 25, 2006 6:19 pm
I'm sorry you've been hurt... but I have no advice for you, as I have never experienced such a thing... as I am married to my first boyfriend.
I hope you feel better soon. heart
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