My Bleach Fanfiction ( read or die and be yelled at)

[GigglyGal]

~B~Discrete~

It doesn't do it for me. There's just to much it did this in a matter of seconds, you could have described the characters' actions alot better. Your writing lacks interest, you're just describing what they do in the vaguest of senses. "Rukia hugged kon to her chest." Blah.....You could have said something along the lines of. "Rukia pulled Kon out from underneath her and held him tightly againstt her in a most unbecoming way. Despite the fact that she was damn near sqeezing the life from him, Kon had to admit that he hadn't hated this little outburst in the least since it had resulted in her holding him so tightly to her bosom. A place that he had only dreamed of being close to." Much for fun and suggestive. One more thing, if your going to write and expect to be critiqued don't hide behind your age because at 12 you should be able to form at least half decent sentences. I'd stop slacking in class mate, those English teachers aren't as full of it as you think.

Harsh, but yeah. There's a lot you could learn.  

[Chibi Samurai12]

~B~Discrete~

It doesn't do it for me. There's just to much it did this in a matter of seconds, you could have described the characters' actions alot better. Your writing lacks interest, you're just describing what they do in the vaguest of senses. "Rukia hugged kon to her chest." Blah.....You could have said something along the lines of. "Rukia pulled Kon out from underneath her and held him tightly againstt her in a most unbecoming way. Despite the fact that she was damn near sqeezing the life from him, Kon had to admit that he hadn't hated this little outburst in the least since it had resulted in her holding him so tightly to her bosom. A place that he had only dreamed of being close to." Much for fun and suggestive. One more thing, if your going to write and expect to be critiqued don't hide behind your age because at 12 you should be able to form at least half decent sentences. I'd stop slacking in class mate, those English teachers aren't as full of it as you think.

for your info i get good grades in english. i tried dammit. lets see you do better. jeez you could at least put it in creative criticism style. jeez ya like making 12 year olds fell bad ya b***h scream i could write detailed sentences too! who wants me to rewrite this. gawd that ruined my day mad