|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Thu May 03, 2007 7:11 am
PermeliaOpus Sotur PermeliaOpus Sotur i've never been sexually or verbally abused, but i have gone trhu quite an ordeal with my father and mother. my dad got this weird illness around 8-9 years ago, when i was 11. we had a bike shop which he used to run, but after he got the strange illness, he couldn't manage anymore. said illness consists of a miz of symptoms from: alzheimer, something neurological, something psychological, premature crazyness [ ok, i suck at translation of some words. word in spanish is 'demencia'], and premature depression. doctors can't say what he has, exactly, bcs he doens't have enough symptoms of ANY of the 5 things present in order to state 'he has this' or 'he has that'. he simply has a mix of all of it. all of that causes him constant memory loss. bcs of that, my parents were constantly fighting, and at said age [11] i had to try and manage the bike shop with my 10 year old sis and my 12 year old brother while my other brothers and mom came back form their jobs or colleges. after several years of constant fighting, my mom couldnt' stand my dad anymore, so he sent him to live with his parents in a diferent city [about 1hr away from us]. she even got to the point of changing the locks of the house so that if he came, he wuoldnt' be able to come inside. because of that, i've always felt teared apart between mother and father, kind of abandoned on the father part [since he wasn't allowed to drive and constantly needed to be wathed over after he got 'sick'] and it has never gotten "better". they are now divorced, he doesn't work [not allowed to] and i see him around 1 or twice a month...at best. after these almost 9 years i still can't get over it...i still can't let go....sometimes i get really angry at my dad, but what can he do? in the end, i haven't gotten over it, constantly cry over the same situation, and haven't found a way to manage, haven't found a way to help myself get over it except avoid all related thought as much as possible....but in doing so i avoid seeing my dad, and then i hate myself for not going to see him....so u see....not abused, but have gone trhu quite a bit with this s**t... Well that doesn't seem like that was at all like a fun thing to deal with. I'm sorry that those things have happened in your family and I surely hope that you find closure somehow. Have you checked up on multiple sites and researched the disease? Maybe it will help you to understand it, thus making it possible for you to talk to your dad better. Does he have a computer at home? Maybe you two can talk through e-mail or instant messaging. it doesn't have a name, so i can't research it. i can only research each disease form the mix, and that will simply be partially helpful since the docs don't say what he has. they don't know. the detect symptoms for different things, but never say a specific thing...he recently acquired a computer, but they don't have internet over there. when he calls i talk to him, and i do get happy....but i also get sad bcs i haven't gone to visit him. usually i avoid so bcs i'm scared of what he might ask, questions my mom tells me not to tell him, and then i feel bad bcs i'd b lying to my dad [note, always raised NOT TO LIE....sometimes i do, little white ones, but stuff like that....i could never]...and he still loves her, i notice. but it's clear she doesnt love him anymore, and that makes me feel bad bcs i think he feels rejected on her part, and abandoned on our part [since we don't visit very often]. that's right around the times i get mad at myself and sad bcs i'm not going to visit him [sometimes bcs of college work, others bcs i'm going out with my friends and bf]. any idea as to how i could work something out? totally open for suggestions at this point Has he talked to anyone at this point about his illness. Maybe you can just set time aside to ask him how he feels. It sounds like he just needs someone to talk to about his emotions. he used to go to a psychiatrist, but he stopped going soon after he stopped taking his meds. he alays said he didn't want to take them, that they just got him sleepy, and that they didn't do anything to him. when he lived with us, we did what we could to make sure he took them, but when he moved in with his parents he stopped taking them. thye wouldn't ask him to, in fact, they encouraged his leaving them. they also thought they didn't affect him. now he's simply taking vitamins and 'natural' stuff, and he's going to a quiropractic [is that translated correctly? word in spanish is "quiropráctico", meaning those guys who "crack" ur bones and put nerves in place, and that stuff]. as for how he feels, he says that after he stopped taking the meds and when he started to go to the 'quiropractic' he's been feeling better. supposedly he's improving, and according to him he doesn't get the depressions he used to have b4....somtimes i'd like to believe him, but it's kinda hard when i hear him over the phone, his tone of voice when he's saying good-bye, and the rare times we visit, his face when we leave....sometimes i just think he's saying that just to say it, as in, sometimes it's true, but it can't all be true, y'know? as for emotions and asking him....i'm kind of a chicken-s**t for that. I.E. since the divorce, i NEVER ask him how he feels about it, in fact, i AVOID it. i avoid the mere thought of touching the subject, with him OR my mom; i also avoid talking to him about mom. i've always thought i have avoidance issues, according to my friends, i just need time, but when they say that, i simply think "if time's all i needed, aren't 9 years more than enough?"
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu May 03, 2007 7:23 am
PermeliaOpus Sotur xXChibi ZoriXx Bah, on a random day my mom started acting strange. Talking to herself, saying stuff that went against our morals, against God. Basically she was crazy. We've tried a million tactics to help her. Listening, talking, giving her gifts, trying to take her to a pshychologist... But she keeps getting worse. She mistreats my little sister, she hates me (and I'm not just assuming it SHE DOES), and abandoned my father (she has her own room now, wtf). The last big thing she did was on a day like any other. I was on the computer and she started saying evil stuff, so I took a bottle of alcohol and spilled it in her room on purpose. She went nuts. She started yelling that she was going to break my computer if I didn't clean it. Of course I thought she was bluffing and started giggling my defiance... until she raised her big-a** metal pipe (yes, she has a metal pipe that she says she's going to kill us with... she also has knives, dozens of them) to smash the monitor. I immediately went to clean her room, but it was too late. She started pushing me around, smacking me randomly, saying she was going to kill my sister. Saying she was going to neuter my dad. That she was going to kill her parents, that she was going to chop my hands off... it was madness. So I called the police. They managed to calm her down, got her some help... but I don't think it will last long. She's been nice this last month, but she's already started smashing stuff. This morning she broke the coffee making machine that my dad bought on March. >.< It was brand spanking new, and she just smashed the hell out of it like a little cracker. I really want to leave this house, but I can't just leave my sister and father behind. It's very traumatic, she just keeps psychologically abusing us, and she has thrown away all our eating utensils, and broken all the dishes. She also doesn't cook, my sister and I have to do it. I've not been raped or anything huge, but this is also pretty big. Maybe it sounds stupid, but it's scary to live with someone like that. it doesn't sound stupid at all. i see this as something rather serious. i understand it's be really hard [my family wasn't able to do it...we kinda refused and looked for an alternative, my dad living with his parents again [read above for better understanding]...but maybe ur mom should be hospitalized, or put into a home where they can care for her [that's what we decided NOT to do with my dad]. obviously her living with her parents doesn't seem like a wise choice, since she's threatening to kill them, but maybe ur family could try that. i understand it's something very big and very hard to do [after all, WE couldn't do it]....but maybe ur family could. it's just a suggestion, and maybe not the most helpful one...but somthing nonetheless....has she gone SOMEWHERE [doc, shrink, ANYTHING] that says she has this or that...maybe somthing suddenly happend in her brain and now her behavior's that one [it's what happened with my dad. one day he just startd forgetting things [memory loss] and when he got cheked, he'd had a small spill of blood, i think it was, in his brain that caused it and whatever else he's got]. so maybe u should force her to get checked [since u said u've tried b4]....other than that, it's understandable that u want to leave, and ur loyalty to ur sis and dad are admirable. i know it sounds cheesy and u r probably tired of hearing this, but never forget that after the rain comes the rainbow....i know i should apply that to my situation, and it IS true many times one questions that phrase bcs the "rainbow" is nowhere in sight, but after some time it should get better, no matter how long that time is [i know it can b LONG AS HELL...heck, 9 years and i'm still waiting for it to get better], but sometimes that's all one's got: hope. if not, just try and think of other things that make u feel better. while i'm not thinking about my s**t i can be REALLY happy, and i know the situation is still there, i know it hasn't been solved, and i know that ignoring it won't make it go away, but at least then, in those moments that i'm not thinking about it, i'm not simply sulking in misery. just drowning in self-pity and misery SUCKS!!!! so, like i said: yes, it'll still be there, no, it hasn't been solved, and no, ignoring it won't "magically"fix it...but at least then u can be happy, even if just for a moment. When I was going through my abuse I would tell myself everyday that it was going to be okay. This lasted for 9 years. Finally I broke down and saw someone, but they didn't help much either. I left and shut down again, which isn't good, but since I found that one line support group (see first post link), things have gotten a lot easier. My main drive in the past was myself, and going through bad things, sometimes it's the only thing that one has. I agree with everything Sotur says. And it takes a strong person to reamain with your sister and father. And Sotur, it takes a strong and wise person to say all that you did. indeed, i didn't think about it, but it's true. it takes a strong person to stay. many simply decide to ditch and abandon the situation for selfish reasons. u, on the other hand, are staying. that takes guts, that takes strenght. keep it in mind [in case u think u r weak. just saying so bcs many times i consider myself a weak person, tho my friends say otherwise]. permelia...thnx. like i said above, sometimes i consider myself a weak person. emotionally, i'm a wreck when it comes to fight [avoidance issues], so i feel awful sometimes, thinking i'm some little [literally razz ] person who can't deal with fights. honestly, when it comes to fighting, arguing, and the likes of those, i become a wreck: instant insecurity, restraining myself so i won't say some things, crying, under pressure...it's a mess. anyway, it may sound stupid, but thanx for implying i'm a strong person. i was actually thinking it'd been a bad idea to write all that, since we're talking about our problems and i'm not applying my own advise. but then i thought: "to hell with it. the point of being part of this forum is to help, and i'm trying, so if for some reason they dont like it, they can simply not read it; i'm not one who likes sulking, and i advise not doing it. in the end, the forum's NOT to simply state ur problem and then sulk, it's to hear opinions and advise, and that's just what i did". so...i didnt take it off...now i'm glad i didn't sweatdrop
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
High-functioning Flashback
|
Posted: Thu May 03, 2007 8:36 am
Sotur PermeliaOpus Sotur xXChibi ZoriXx Bah, on a random day my mom started acting strange. Talking to herself, saying stuff that went against our morals, against God. Basically she was crazy. We've tried a million tactics to help her. Listening, talking, giving her gifts, trying to take her to a pshychologist... But she keeps getting worse. She mistreats my little sister, she hates me (and I'm not just assuming it SHE DOES), and abandoned my father (she has her own room now, wtf). The last big thing she did was on a day like any other. I was on the computer and she started saying evil stuff, so I took a bottle of alcohol and spilled it in her room on purpose. She went nuts. She started yelling that she was going to break my computer if I didn't clean it. Of course I thought she was bluffing and started giggling my defiance... until she raised her big-a** metal pipe (yes, she has a metal pipe that she says she's going to kill us with... she also has knives, dozens of them) to smash the monitor. I immediately went to clean her room, but it was too late. She started pushing me around, smacking me randomly, saying she was going to kill my sister. Saying she was going to neuter my dad. That she was going to kill her parents, that she was going to chop my hands off... it was madness. So I called the police. They managed to calm her down, got her some help... but I don't think it will last long. She's been nice this last month, but she's already started smashing stuff. This morning she broke the coffee making machine that my dad bought on March. >.< It was brand spanking new, and she just smashed the hell out of it like a little cracker. I really want to leave this house, but I can't just leave my sister and father behind. It's very traumatic, she just keeps psychologically abusing us, and she has thrown away all our eating utensils, and broken all the dishes. She also doesn't cook, my sister and I have to do it. I've not been raped or anything huge, but this is also pretty big. Maybe it sounds stupid, but it's scary to live with someone like that. it doesn't sound stupid at all. i see this as something rather serious. i understand it's be really hard [my family wasn't able to do it...we kinda refused and looked for an alternative, my dad living with his parents again [read above for better understanding]...but maybe ur mom should be hospitalized, or put into a home where they can care for her [that's what we decided NOT to do with my dad]. obviously her living with her parents doesn't seem like a wise choice, since she's threatening to kill them, but maybe ur family could try that. i understand it's something very big and very hard to do [after all, WE couldn't do it]....but maybe ur family could. it's just a suggestion, and maybe not the most helpful one...but somthing nonetheless....has she gone SOMEWHERE [doc, shrink, ANYTHING] that says she has this or that...maybe somthing suddenly happend in her brain and now her behavior's that one [it's what happened with my dad. one day he just startd forgetting things [memory loss] and when he got cheked, he'd had a small spill of blood, i think it was, in his brain that caused it and whatever else he's got]. so maybe u should force her to get checked [since u said u've tried b4]....other than that, it's understandable that u want to leave, and ur loyalty to ur sis and dad are admirable. i know it sounds cheesy and u r probably tired of hearing this, but never forget that after the rain comes the rainbow....i know i should apply that to my situation, and it IS true many times one questions that phrase bcs the "rainbow" is nowhere in sight, but after some time it should get better, no matter how long that time is [i know it can b LONG AS HELL...heck, 9 years and i'm still waiting for it to get better], but sometimes that's all one's got: hope. if not, just try and think of other things that make u feel better. while i'm not thinking about my s**t i can be REALLY happy, and i know the situation is still there, i know it hasn't been solved, and i know that ignoring it won't make it go away, but at least then, in those moments that i'm not thinking about it, i'm not simply sulking in misery. just drowning in self-pity and misery SUCKS!!!! so, like i said: yes, it'll still be there, no, it hasn't been solved, and no, ignoring it won't "magically"fix it...but at least then u can be happy, even if just for a moment. When I was going through my abuse I would tell myself everyday that it was going to be okay. This lasted for 9 years. Finally I broke down and saw someone, but they didn't help much either. I left and shut down again, which isn't good, but since I found that one line support group (see first post link), things have gotten a lot easier. My main drive in the past was myself, and going through bad things, sometimes it's the only thing that one has. I agree with everything Sotur says. And it takes a strong person to reamain with your sister and father. And Sotur, it takes a strong and wise person to say all that you did. indeed, i didn't think about it, but it's true. it takes a strong person to stay. many simply decide to ditch and abandon the situation for selfish reasons. u, on the other hand, are staying. that takes guts, that takes strenght. keep it in mind [in case u think u r weak. just saying so bcs many times i consider myself a weak person, tho my friends say otherwise]. permelia...thnx. like i said above, sometimes i consider myself a weak person. emotionally, i'm a wreck when it comes to fight [avoidance issues], so i feel awful sometimes, thinking i'm some little [literally razz ] person who can't deal with fights. honestly, when it comes to fighting, arguing, and the likes of those, i become a wreck: instant insecurity, restraining myself so i won't say some things, crying, under pressure...it's a mess. anyway, it may sound stupid, but thanx for implying i'm a strong person. i was actually thinking it'd been a bad idea to write all that, since we're talking about our problems and i'm not applying my own advise. but then i thought: "to hell with it. the point of being part of this forum is to help, and i'm trying, so if for some reason they dont like it, they can simply not read it; i'm not one who likes sulking, and i advise not doing it. in the end, the forum's NOT to simply state ur problem and then sulk, it's to hear opinions and advise, and that's just what i did". so...i didnt take it off...now i'm glad i didn't sweatdrop Everyone has their own way of dealing with things. Some of the ways that we deal with things, and the ways that we develope because of those, we may not like too much, but hey, no ones perfect. There will always be things that we don't like about ourselves. The only thing that makes them look worse to ourselves than to other people is the fact that we are stuck in the middle of it (in our mind and in our reality). Because we can't run away from our own minds we have to deal with the mental reality. Which is why, I suppose, that talking helps so much. I don't know how long it's been, if ever, that you guys have voiced how you feel, but I didn't really do it that much before (as posted in previous post on previous page), but this year I'v forced myself to say as much as I can about everything I feel, because, quite frankly, bottling up everything has screwed me over to no avail.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu May 03, 2007 8:42 am
Another aspect I just remembered:
My dad and I randomly get into these blow-out fights.
It often started out with him complaining about something stupid, "You should know to cook steak," into something that makes me feel like an idiot, "Why?! Don't you know how to cook a steak. It's not that hard! You just place it on here and put the temperature to here!"
Then I always end up telling me that he's making me feel like an idiot.
He goes onto a tangent about how he's NOT making me feel like anything and about how I always imply everything. So I automatically get defensive and everything gets worse. He's the type of person that blames his anger on his job and doesn't do much to fix it at home. He always thinks he's right and doesn't give a damn about what other people think. He has a VERY domineering presence so he always ends up making me cry and gets pissed that I'm crying.
He's the kind of person that gets pissed when you don't say I love you back and throws a pitty party when you don't hug him.
Ofcourse mom is always on his side and gets made at me too.
Talks about him crying at night because of it.
Excuse me, but what the hell am I supposed to do about it.
He makes me feel like I'm 1 inch tall.
He won't talk to a therapist because he doesn't believe in them.
Just trust me, these situations are much worse when they first go down.
I tend to block out a lot, so excuse that.
But it's on-going.
Any help would be adored.
|
|
|
|
|
|
High-functioning Flashback
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
High-functioning Flashback
|
Posted: Thu May 03, 2007 8:44 am
Sotur PermeliaOpus Sotur PermeliaOpus Sotur i've never been sexually or verbally abused, but i have gone trhu quite an ordeal with my father and mother. my dad got this weird illness around 8-9 years ago, when i was 11. we had a bike shop which he used to run, but after he got the strange illness, he couldn't manage anymore. said illness consists of a miz of symptoms from: alzheimer, something neurological, something psychological, premature crazyness [ ok, i suck at translation of some words. word in spanish is 'demencia'], and premature depression. doctors can't say what he has, exactly, bcs he doens't have enough symptoms of ANY of the 5 things present in order to state 'he has this' or 'he has that'. he simply has a mix of all of it. all of that causes him constant memory loss. bcs of that, my parents were constantly fighting, and at said age [11] i had to try and manage the bike shop with my 10 year old sis and my 12 year old brother while my other brothers and mom came back form their jobs or colleges. after several years of constant fighting, my mom couldnt' stand my dad anymore, so he sent him to live with his parents in a diferent city [about 1hr away from us]. she even got to the point of changing the locks of the house so that if he came, he wuoldnt' be able to come inside. because of that, i've always felt teared apart between mother and father, kind of abandoned on the father part [since he wasn't allowed to drive and constantly needed to be wathed over after he got 'sick'] and it has never gotten "better". they are now divorced, he doesn't work [not allowed to] and i see him around 1 or twice a month...at best. after these almost 9 years i still can't get over it...i still can't let go....sometimes i get really angry at my dad, but what can he do? in the end, i haven't gotten over it, constantly cry over the same situation, and haven't found a way to manage, haven't found a way to help myself get over it except avoid all related thought as much as possible....but in doing so i avoid seeing my dad, and then i hate myself for not going to see him....so u see....not abused, but have gone trhu quite a bit with this s**t... Well that doesn't seem like that was at all like a fun thing to deal with. I'm sorry that those things have happened in your family and I surely hope that you find closure somehow. Have you checked up on multiple sites and researched the disease? Maybe it will help you to understand it, thus making it possible for you to talk to your dad better. Does he have a computer at home? Maybe you two can talk through e-mail or instant messaging. it doesn't have a name, so i can't research it. i can only research each disease form the mix, and that will simply be partially helpful since the docs don't say what he has. they don't know. the detect symptoms for different things, but never say a specific thing...he recently acquired a computer, but they don't have internet over there. when he calls i talk to him, and i do get happy....but i also get sad bcs i haven't gone to visit him. usually i avoid so bcs i'm scared of what he might ask, questions my mom tells me not to tell him, and then i feel bad bcs i'd b lying to my dad [note, always raised NOT TO LIE....sometimes i do, little white ones, but stuff like that....i could never]...and he still loves her, i notice. but it's clear she doesnt love him anymore, and that makes me feel bad bcs i think he feels rejected on her part, and abandoned on our part [since we don't visit very often]. that's right around the times i get mad at myself and sad bcs i'm not going to visit him [sometimes bcs of college work, others bcs i'm going out with my friends and bf]. any idea as to how i could work something out? totally open for suggestions at this point Has he talked to anyone at this point about his illness. Maybe you can just set time aside to ask him how he feels. It sounds like he just needs someone to talk to about his emotions. he used to go to a psychiatrist, but he stopped going soon after he stopped taking his meds. he alays said he didn't want to take them, that they just got him sleepy, and that they didn't do anything to him. when he lived with us, we did what we could to make sure he took them, but when he moved in with his parents he stopped taking them. thye wouldn't ask him to, in fact, they encouraged his leaving them. they also thought they didn't affect him. now he's simply taking vitamins and 'natural' stuff, and he's going to a quiropractic [is that translated correctly? word in spanish is "quiropráctico", meaning those guys who "crack" ur bones and put nerves in place, and that stuff]. as for how he feels, he says that after he stopped taking the meds and when he started to go to the 'quiropractic' he's been feeling better. supposedly he's improving, and according to him he doesn't get the depressions he used to have b4....somtimes i'd like to believe him, but it's kinda hard when i hear him over the phone, his tone of voice when he's saying good-bye, and the rare times we visit, his face when we leave....sometimes i just think he's saying that just to say it, as in, sometimes it's true, but it can't all be true, y'know? as for emotions and asking him....i'm kind of a chicken-s**t for that. I.E. since the divorce, i NEVER ask him how he feels about it, in fact, i AVOID it. i avoid the mere thought of touching the subject, with him OR my mom; i also avoid talking to him about mom. i've always thought i have avoidance issues, according to my friends, i just need time, but when they say that, i simply think "if time's all i needed, aren't 9 years more than enough?" I still think you should try to talk to him about he feels. It may be the hardest thing to do, but I think that's what he may need the most at the moment. Though I understand how you feel and the kind of bind that your end, it does suck, but some roads you have to swim through instead of walk. Hey, atleast you get more muscle that way! Lol.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri May 04, 2007 6:05 am
PermeliaOpus Sotur PermeliaOpus Sotur xXChibi ZoriXx Bah, on a random day my mom started acting strange. Talking to herself, saying stuff that went against our morals, against God. Basically she was crazy. We've tried a million tactics to help her. Listening, talking, giving her gifts, trying to take her to a pshychologist... But she keeps getting worse. She mistreats my little sister, she hates me (and I'm not just assuming it SHE DOES), and abandoned my father (she has her own room now, wtf). The last big thing she did was on a day like any other. I was on the computer and she started saying evil stuff, so I took a bottle of alcohol and spilled it in her room on purpose. She went nuts. She started yelling that she was going to break my computer if I didn't clean it. Of course I thought she was bluffing and started giggling my defiance... until she raised her big-a** metal pipe (yes, she has a metal pipe that she says she's going to kill us with... she also has knives, dozens of them) to smash the monitor. I immediately went to clean her room, but it was too late. She started pushing me around, smacking me randomly, saying she was going to kill my sister. Saying she was going to neuter my dad. That she was going to kill her parents, that she was going to chop my hands off... it was madness. So I called the police. They managed to calm her down, got her some help... but I don't think it will last long. She's been nice this last month, but she's already started smashing stuff. This morning she broke the coffee making machine that my dad bought on March. >.< It was brand spanking new, and she just smashed the hell out of it like a little cracker. I really want to leave this house, but I can't just leave my sister and father behind. It's very traumatic, she just keeps psychologically abusing us, and she has thrown away all our eating utensils, and broken all the dishes. She also doesn't cook, my sister and I have to do it. I've not been raped or anything huge, but this is also pretty big. Maybe it sounds stupid, but it's scary to live with someone like that. it doesn't sound stupid at all. i see this as something rather serious. i understand it's be really hard [my family wasn't able to do it...we kinda refused and looked for an alternative, my dad living with his parents again [read above for better understanding]...but maybe ur mom should be hospitalized, or put into a home where they can care for her [that's what we decided NOT to do with my dad]. obviously her living with her parents doesn't seem like a wise choice, since she's threatening to kill them, but maybe ur family could try that. i understand it's something very big and very hard to do [after all, WE couldn't do it]....but maybe ur family could. it's just a suggestion, and maybe not the most helpful one...but somthing nonetheless....has she gone SOMEWHERE [doc, shrink, ANYTHING] that says she has this or that...maybe somthing suddenly happend in her brain and now her behavior's that one [it's what happened with my dad. one day he just startd forgetting things [memory loss] and when he got cheked, he'd had a small spill of blood, i think it was, in his brain that caused it and whatever else he's got]. so maybe u should force her to get checked [since u said u've tried b4]....other than that, it's understandable that u want to leave, and ur loyalty to ur sis and dad are admirable. i know it sounds cheesy and u r probably tired of hearing this, but never forget that after the rain comes the rainbow....i know i should apply that to my situation, and it IS true many times one questions that phrase bcs the "rainbow" is nowhere in sight, but after some time it should get better, no matter how long that time is [i know it can b LONG AS HELL...heck, 9 years and i'm still waiting for it to get better], but sometimes that's all one's got: hope. if not, just try and think of other things that make u feel better. while i'm not thinking about my s**t i can be REALLY happy, and i know the situation is still there, i know it hasn't been solved, and i know that ignoring it won't make it go away, but at least then, in those moments that i'm not thinking about it, i'm not simply sulking in misery. just drowning in self-pity and misery SUCKS!!!! so, like i said: yes, it'll still be there, no, it hasn't been solved, and no, ignoring it won't "magically"fix it...but at least then u can be happy, even if just for a moment. When I was going through my abuse I would tell myself everyday that it was going to be okay. This lasted for 9 years. Finally I broke down and saw someone, but they didn't help much either. I left and shut down again, which isn't good, but since I found that one line support group (see first post link), things have gotten a lot easier. My main drive in the past was myself, and going through bad things, sometimes it's the only thing that one has. I agree with everything Sotur says. And it takes a strong person to reamain with your sister and father. And Sotur, it takes a strong and wise person to say all that you did. indeed, i didn't think about it, but it's true. it takes a strong person to stay. many simply decide to ditch and abandon the situation for selfish reasons. u, on the other hand, are staying. that takes guts, that takes strenght. keep it in mind [in case u think u r weak. just saying so bcs many times i consider myself a weak person, tho my friends say otherwise]. permelia...thnx. like i said above, sometimes i consider myself a weak person. emotionally, i'm a wreck when it comes to fight [avoidance issues], so i feel awful sometimes, thinking i'm some little [literally razz ] person who can't deal with fights. honestly, when it comes to fighting, arguing, and the likes of those, i become a wreck: instant insecurity, restraining myself so i won't say some things, crying, under pressure...it's a mess. anyway, it may sound stupid, but thanx for implying i'm a strong person. i was actually thinking it'd been a bad idea to write all that, since we're talking about our problems and i'm not applying my own advise. but then i thought: "to hell with it. the point of being part of this forum is to help, and i'm trying, so if for some reason they dont like it, they can simply not read it; i'm not one who likes sulking, and i advise not doing it. in the end, the forum's NOT to simply state ur problem and then sulk, it's to hear opinions and advise, and that's just what i did". so...i didnt take it off...now i'm glad i didn't sweatdrop Everyone has their own way of dealing with things. Some of the ways that we deal with things, and the ways that we develope because of those, we may not like too much, but hey, no ones perfect. There will always be things that we don't like about ourselves. The only thing that makes them look worse to ourselves than to other people is the fact that we are stuck in the middle of it (in our mind and in our reality). Because we can't run away from our own minds we have to deal with the mental reality. Which is why, I suppose, that talking helps so much. I don't know how long it's been, if ever, that you guys have voiced how you feel, but I didn't really do it that much before (as posted in previous post on previous page), but this year I'v forced myself to say as much as I can about everything I feel, because, quite frankly, bottling up everything has screwed me over to no avail. i hear ya. bottling things up didn't work much for me, either. i started saying more about how i was feeling round a year or slightly more ago, when i got together with my bf. i used to not say a thing, like i said b4, avoid fights and all. now....well, i still avoid fights, but not as much as i used to b4. i've had to learn to fight my battles, to stand by my thought and not simply back down and say "u r right, i'm wrong, i'm sorry". it's been really hard, and a huge step for me, but i've learned, and now i stand by my ideas more than i used to b4. it's scary as hell, and sometimes i 'argue' with "my knees trembling", but i still do it, and it hasn't been as bad as i thought it'd be. hard, yes, but not bad [as in have bad consecuences].
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri May 04, 2007 6:39 am
PermeliaOpus Another aspect I just remembered: My dad and I randomly get into these blow-out fights. It often started out with him complaining about something stupid, "You should know to cook steak," into something that makes me feel like an idiot, "Why?! Don't you know how to cook a steak. It's not that hard! You just place it on here and put the temperature to here!" Then I always end up telling me that he's making me feel like an idiot. He goes onto a tangent about how he's NOT making me feel like anything and about how I always imply everything. So I automatically get defensive and everything gets worse. He's the type of person that blames his anger on his job and doesn't do much to fix it at home. He always thinks he's right and doesn't give a damn about what other people think. He has a VERY domineering presence so he always ends up making me cry and gets pissed that I'm crying. He's the kind of person that gets pissed when you don't say I love you back and throws a pitty party when you don't hug him. Ofcourse mom is always on his side and gets made at me too. Talks about him crying at night because of it. Excuse me, but what the hell am I supposed to do about it. He makes me feel like I'm 1 inch tall. He won't talk to a therapist because he doesn't believe in them. Just trust me, these situations are much worse when they first go down. I tend to block out a lot, so excuse that. But it's on-going. Any help would be adored. well....what else has he complained about? something more serious or something [kinda hard trying to figure this out on a steak issue sweatdrop ]. also, have u tried talking to ur mom about it? i mean talking to her while she's alone, without ur father around. oh, and how long has this been going on? has it always been like that? have u ever tried to 'fight back'? as in, argue with him, ask him why's he complaining about "this and that" instead of 'fixing' the problem...something like that...would u qualify it as safe, or too big a risk?
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri May 04, 2007 6:59 am
PermeliaOpus Sotur PermeliaOpus Sotur PermeliaOpus Sotur i've never been sexually or verbally abused, but i have gone trhu quite an ordeal with my father and mother. my dad got this weird illness around 8-9 years ago, when i was 11. we had a bike shop which he used to run, but after he got the strange illness, he couldn't manage anymore. said illness consists of a miz of symptoms from: alzheimer, something neurological, something psychological, premature crazyness [ ok, i suck at translation of some words. word in spanish is 'demencia'], and premature depression. doctors can't say what he has, exactly, bcs he doens't have enough symptoms of ANY of the 5 things present in order to state 'he has this' or 'he has that'. he simply has a mix of all of it. all of that causes him constant memory loss. bcs of that, my parents were constantly fighting, and at said age [11] i had to try and manage the bike shop with my 10 year old sis and my 12 year old brother while my other brothers and mom came back form their jobs or colleges. after several years of constant fighting, my mom couldnt' stand my dad anymore, so he sent him to live with his parents in a diferent city [about 1hr away from us]. she even got to the point of changing the locks of the house so that if he came, he wuoldnt' be able to come inside. because of that, i've always felt teared apart between mother and father, kind of abandoned on the father part [since he wasn't allowed to drive and constantly needed to be wathed over after he got 'sick'] and it has never gotten "better". they are now divorced, he doesn't work [not allowed to] and i see him around 1 or twice a month...at best. after these almost 9 years i still can't get over it...i still can't let go....sometimes i get really angry at my dad, but what can he do? in the end, i haven't gotten over it, constantly cry over the same situation, and haven't found a way to manage, haven't found a way to help myself get over it except avoid all related thought as much as possible....but in doing so i avoid seeing my dad, and then i hate myself for not going to see him....so u see....not abused, but have gone trhu quite a bit with this s**t... Well that doesn't seem like that was at all like a fun thing to deal with. I'm sorry that those things have happened in your family and I surely hope that you find closure somehow. Have you checked up on multiple sites and researched the disease? Maybe it will help you to understand it, thus making it possible for you to talk to your dad better. Does he have a computer at home? Maybe you two can talk through e-mail or instant messaging. it doesn't have a name, so i can't research it. i can only research each disease form the mix, and that will simply be partially helpful since the docs don't say what he has. they don't know. the detect symptoms for different things, but never say a specific thing...he recently acquired a computer, but they don't have internet over there. when he calls i talk to him, and i do get happy....but i also get sad bcs i haven't gone to visit him. usually i avoid so bcs i'm scared of what he might ask, questions my mom tells me not to tell him, and then i feel bad bcs i'd b lying to my dad [note, always raised NOT TO LIE....sometimes i do, little white ones, but stuff like that....i could never]...and he still loves her, i notice. but it's clear she doesnt love him anymore, and that makes me feel bad bcs i think he feels rejected on her part, and abandoned on our part [since we don't visit very often]. that's right around the times i get mad at myself and sad bcs i'm not going to visit him [sometimes bcs of college work, others bcs i'm going out with my friends and bf]. any idea as to how i could work something out? totally open for suggestions at this point Has he talked to anyone at this point about his illness. Maybe you can just set time aside to ask him how he feels. It sounds like he just needs someone to talk to about his emotions. he used to go to a psychiatrist, but he stopped going soon after he stopped taking his meds. he alays said he didn't want to take them, that they just got him sleepy, and that they didn't do anything to him. when he lived with us, we did what we could to make sure he took them, but when he moved in with his parents he stopped taking them. thye wouldn't ask him to, in fact, they encouraged his leaving them. they also thought they didn't affect him. now he's simply taking vitamins and 'natural' stuff, and he's going to a quiropractic [is that translated correctly? word in spanish is "quiropráctico", meaning those guys who "crack" ur bones and put nerves in place, and that stuff]. as for how he feels, he says that after he stopped taking the meds and when he started to go to the 'quiropractic' he's been feeling better. supposedly he's improving, and according to him he doesn't get the depressions he used to have b4....somtimes i'd like to believe him, but it's kinda hard when i hear him over the phone, his tone of voice when he's saying good-bye, and the rare times we visit, his face when we leave....sometimes i just think he's saying that just to say it, as in, sometimes it's true, but it can't all be true, y'know? as for emotions and asking him....i'm kind of a chicken-s**t for that. I.E. since the divorce, i NEVER ask him how he feels about it, in fact, i AVOID it. i avoid the mere thought of touching the subject, with him OR my mom; i also avoid talking to him about mom. i've always thought i have avoidance issues, according to my friends, i just need time, but when they say that, i simply think "if time's all i needed, aren't 9 years more than enough?" I still think you should try to talk to him about he feels. It may be the hardest thing to do, but I think that's what he may need the most at the moment. Though I understand how you feel and the kind of bind that your end, it does suck, but some roads you have to swim through instead of walk. Hey, atleast you get more muscle that way! Lol. that reminds me of the phrase "what doesn't kill u makes u stronger". as for talking to him about how he feels...i'll consider it, but i'd like u to give me a few pointers sweatdrop i relly have no idea where i could start...what type of questions should i ask? what should i do? plz and thank u 3nodding
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
High-functioning Flashback
|
Posted: Thu May 10, 2007 11:29 am
Sotur PermeliaOpus Another aspect I just remembered: My dad and I randomly get into these blow-out fights. It often started out with him complaining about something stupid, "You should know to cook steak," into something that makes me feel like an idiot, "Why?! Don't you know how to cook a steak. It's not that hard! You just place it on here and put the temperature to here!" Then I always end up telling me that he's making me feel like an idiot. He goes onto a tangent about how he's NOT making me feel like anything and about how I always imply everything. So I automatically get defensive and everything gets worse. He's the type of person that blames his anger on his job and doesn't do much to fix it at home. He always thinks he's right and doesn't give a damn about what other people think. He has a VERY domineering presence so he always ends up making me cry and gets pissed that I'm crying. He's the kind of person that gets pissed when you don't say I love you back and throws a pitty party when you don't hug him. Ofcourse mom is always on his side and gets made at me too. Talks about him crying at night because of it. Excuse me, but what the hell am I supposed to do about it. He makes me feel like I'm 1 inch tall. He won't talk to a therapist because he doesn't believe in them. Just trust me, these situations are much worse when they first go down. I tend to block out a lot, so excuse that. But it's on-going. Any help would be adored. well....what else has he complained about? something more serious or something [kinda hard trying to figure this out on a steak issue sweatdrop ]. also, have u tried talking to ur mom about it? i mean talking to her while she's alone, without ur father around. oh, and how long has this been going on? has it always been like that? have u ever tried to 'fight back'? as in, argue with him, ask him why's he complaining about "this and that" instead of 'fixing' the problem...something like that...would u qualify it as safe, or too big a risk? To tell you honestly, I really can't remember anymore. I block all of it out. What I remembered then is all I can remember now. Thank you for attempting to help me though.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu May 10, 2007 11:30 am
Sotur PermeliaOpus Sotur PermeliaOpus Sotur it doesn't have a name, so i can't research it. i can only research each disease form the mix, and that will simply be partially helpful since the docs don't say what he has. they don't know. the detect symptoms for different things, but never say a specific thing...he recently acquired a computer, but they don't have internet over there. when he calls i talk to him, and i do get happy....but i also get sad bcs i haven't gone to visit him. usually i avoid so bcs i'm scared of what he might ask, questions my mom tells me not to tell him, and then i feel bad bcs i'd b lying to my dad [note, always raised NOT TO LIE....sometimes i do, little white ones, but stuff like that....i could never]...and he still loves her, i notice. but it's clear she doesnt love him anymore, and that makes me feel bad bcs i think he feels rejected on her part, and abandoned on our part [since we don't visit very often]. that's right around the times i get mad at myself and sad bcs i'm not going to visit him [sometimes bcs of college work, others bcs i'm going out with my friends and bf]. any idea as to how i could work something out? totally open for suggestions at this point Has he talked to anyone at this point about his illness. Maybe you can just set time aside to ask him how he feels. It sounds like he just needs someone to talk to about his emotions. he used to go to a psychiatrist, but he stopped going soon after he stopped taking his meds. he alays said he didn't want to take them, that they just got him sleepy, and that they didn't do anything to him. when he lived with us, we did what we could to make sure he took them, but when he moved in with his parents he stopped taking them. thye wouldn't ask him to, in fact, they encouraged his leaving them. they also thought they didn't affect him. now he's simply taking vitamins and 'natural' stuff, and he's going to a quiropractic [is that translated correctly? word in spanish is "quiropráctico", meaning those guys who "crack" ur bones and put nerves in place, and that stuff]. as for how he feels, he says that after he stopped taking the meds and when he started to go to the 'quiropractic' he's been feeling better. supposedly he's improving, and according to him he doesn't get the depressions he used to have b4....somtimes i'd like to believe him, but it's kinda hard when i hear him over the phone, his tone of voice when he's saying good-bye, and the rare times we visit, his face when we leave....sometimes i just think he's saying that just to say it, as in, sometimes it's true, but it can't all be true, y'know? as for emotions and asking him....i'm kind of a chicken-s**t for that. I.E. since the divorce, i NEVER ask him how he feels about it, in fact, i AVOID it. i avoid the mere thought of touching the subject, with him OR my mom; i also avoid talking to him about mom. i've always thought i have avoidance issues, according to my friends, i just need time, but when they say that, i simply think "if time's all i needed, aren't 9 years more than enough?" I still think you should try to talk to him about he feels. It may be the hardest thing to do, but I think that's what he may need the most at the moment. Though I understand how you feel and the kind of bind that your end, it does suck, but some roads you have to swim through instead of walk. Hey, atleast you get more muscle that way! Lol. that reminds me of the phrase "what doesn't kill u makes u stronger". as for talking to him about how he feels...i'll consider it, but i'd like u to give me a few pointers sweatdrop i relly have no idea where i could start...what type of questions should i ask? what should i do? plz and thank u 3nodding You're pretty much just going to have to grin and bear it. Start out with asking him how his day was and go from there.
|
|
|
|
|
|
High-functioning Flashback
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri May 11, 2007 4:26 pm
I have never been sexually abused, thank the Goddess, but I've been asked by various family members if i was...
You see....
My mom divorced my dad when I was five. We moved into my grandparent's basement, and then into my aunts house. And then my mom met Tom. I don't know how she met him, especially considering he lived in Arizona at the time, and we live in Michigan... They married. There was no wedding at a church, although my mom is a crazy catholic... I was 6 years old at the time. I went to a new school, made friends...
My mom always told me Tom was "just strict." And I believed it for many years... Because I didn't know any better. But his levels of paranoia are off the charts. And he was a control freak. There were many rules to follow in the house. My brother and I were not allowed in the living room... No riding a bike without a helmet... No taking the dogs for walks... No running. Anywhere on the property. Wear slippers at all times in the house. The bathroom door had to be open a crack while you showered, because he didn't want the mirror to get fogged up. Always finish all of your food. And there were many more that I don't remember. And all of these rules persisted up until when I was at the end of the 8th grade, when we left him.
And now to explain the paranoia... He had two dogs. Daschunds. Their real names were not printed on their collars so that if someone stole them, the dogs wouldn't come when called because the person would be calling the wrong name. Retarded, I know. The dogs would come if you called them idiot. It didn't matter as long as you spoke to them in an excited voice... There was a motion detecter at the end of our driveway, and it went off all the time for nothing... He stole my mom's social security number... He kept her $10,000 in debt all the time so she wouldn't leave him. He told her if she got a job, he'd stop paying the bills. And no job she could possibly get would pay for those... He didn't ever pay taxes, and he got away with it. He told them he made no profit at all as a locksmith. Bullshit. He didn't trust banks, so he kept only some money there. The rest, he used to buy useless thing after useless thing that filled our yard, huge shed, garage, and basement. He would sell those for money if the bank were to fail. He bought those suits with gas masks when the year 2000 came around. We had a lifetime of food in the basement.
He verbally abused all of us. He used to tell his son that he was worthless, all the time. His son never had any friends that weren't on the computer. He did the same to my brother... And he used to blame stuff on us. He could get us to admit to doing anything, no matter what it was. He would sit us down in the kitchen and just keep accusing us and accusing us... And yelling, and telling you you're so stupid for doing whatever it was, and pressuring us to confess, and quoting us and accusing and accusing... You got to the point where you didn't care anymore. You would take the punishment over a continuation of his yelling. It didn't matter what really happened and what didn't. Remember that when this all started I was six, and my brother was four. So my brother and I never stood a chance against him...
The only good thing that came out of what he did is now I am skilled at knowing which rules I can break and easily cover up and never get in trouble for. And I will never feel guilty for breaking a rule that I don't see as being fair.
He would never finish anything he started, because it would torture my mother. Our yard never had grass, all 8 years we lived there. The basement was more of a cellar than a basement... There were building supplies all over the yard for half finished projects...
I already mentioned he was a locksmith... He had a couple of different ads in the yellow book, with different cell numbers attached. For different cell phones/ads he would use different accents, and tell people outrageous prices for the job, and then herd them towards his real ad...
So he was away a lot, because he was a locksmith. On most days he did not come home until late. But you never knew when he might appear.
My mom says she stayed with him for so long for my brother and I. So we would have a roof over our heads. And we weren't old enough to be home alone. I think mostly she was just terrified. We could have lived with my grandparents again, no problem. But we didn't. And I am not going to ask why.
So, anyway, I was in the 8th grade, 13, when she revealed her plans of leaving. We started moving little things that he wouldn't notice missing out of the house into friends houses... Mom was waiting for a day when she knew for sure that Tom would be away for at least 5 hours. And then the day came. I was in school, it was March or something, and the note came from the office giving permission to leave. My mom was waiting in her jeep, we picked up my brother, who knew nothing of what was going on, and we left. To my aunts friends cottage on the other side of the state, for a week. And then for the remainder of a month, we stayed with my grandparent's who were vacationing in Virginia. We didn't feel safe in Michigan. We lived in my grandparents basement for a year following. I finished up the year at my old school, but I had to leave my friends behind and go to a new school. It was horrible. The school was filled with JUST white people. There were, like, 5 black people in all my classes combined, including lunch. And there were also very few goths. And everyone was preppy and stuck up. I made no friends. My mom got a job as a high school teacher and we bought a house of our own. I went to yet another new school. It's got better diversity than Hell School.
But it's been 2 years, and I still have yet to make a single friend that I can hang out with outside of school.
We had only lived in the house for a few months before my mom's new boyfriend, Chris, and his 5 yr old, Chaise, moved in with us.
It is true what they say. Victims attract predators. Predators can spot victims.
He is manipulative. Very. He has turned my mother against me. She won't believe me when I tell her her beloved fiance is sexist. On the outside he seems like a nice guy. Even I thought he was alright the first couple of months of her dating him. But then he got it into his head that since he's ******** my mom and living in my house, he get's to tell me what to do.
At first I thought I might just be stuck in the past. I might just have a paranoia about men. I might be confusing him with Tom. But no. I am quite sure of myself, by now.
And there is nothing I can do about it. Nothing. It frustrates me to no end. Just thinking about it i start to.....
The good news is that a year from now I'll graduate from high school, and go live with my dad. But by doing that, I'll be leaving my brother behind, and thinking of that just kills me, but what can I do?
I have a couple of questions for you guys.
Are you anti-social, or do you have sub par social skills?
Do you have trouble looking people in the face or the eyes?
Do you have trouble feeling emotion?
Do you put down (call them a loser or whatever) the people close to you in a jokingly way because it proves your friendship with them because only friends can joke around like that?
Do you want to be a psychologist or something related to that when you are older?
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat May 12, 2007 11:31 am
xCrimsonTeersx I have never been sexually abused, thank the Goddess, but I've been asked by various family members if i was... You see.... My mom divorced my dad when I was five. We moved into my grandparent's basement, and then into my aunts house. And then my mom met Tom. I don't know how she met him, especially considering he lived in Arizona at the time, and we live in Michigan... They married. There was no wedding at a church, although my mom is a crazy catholic... I was 6 years old at the time. I went to a new school, made friends... My mom always told me Tom was "just strict." And I believed it for many years... Because I didn't know any better. But his levels of paranoia are off the charts. And he was a control freak. There were many rules to follow in the house. My brother and I were not allowed in the living room... No riding a bike without a helmet... No taking the dogs for walks... No running. Anywhere on the property. Wear slippers at all times in the house. The bathroom door had to be open a crack while you showered, because he didn't want the mirror to get fogged up. Always finish all of your food. And there were many more that I don't remember. And all of these rules persisted up until when I was at the end of the 8th grade, when we left him. And now to explain the paranoia... He had two dogs. Daschunds. Their real names were not printed on their collars so that if someone stole them, the dogs wouldn't come when called because the person would be calling the wrong name. Retarded, I know. The dogs would come if you called them idiot. It didn't matter as long as you spoke to them in an excited voice... There was a motion detecter at the end of our driveway, and it went off all the time for nothing... He stole my mom's social security number... He kept her $10,000 in debt all the time so she wouldn't leave him. He told her if she got a job, he'd stop paying the bills. And no job she could possibly get would pay for those... He didn't ever pay taxes, and he got away with it. He told them he made no profit at all as a locksmith. Bullshit. He didn't trust banks, so he kept only some money there. The rest, he used to buy useless thing after useless thing that filled our yard, huge shed, garage, and basement. He would sell those for money if the bank were to fail. He bought those suits with gas masks when the year 2000 came around. We had a lifetime of food in the basement. He verbally abused all of us. He used to tell his son that he was worthless, all the time. His son never had any friends that weren't on the computer. He did the same to my brother... And he used to blame stuff on us. He could get us to admit to doing anything, no matter what it was. He would sit us down in the kitchen and just keep accusing us and accusing us... And yelling, and telling you you're so stupid for doing whatever it was, and pressuring us to confess, and quoting us and accusing and accusing... You got to the point where you didn't care anymore. You would take the punishment over a continuation of his yelling. It didn't matter what really happened and what didn't. Remember that when this all started I was six, and my brother was four. So my brother and I never stood a chance against him... The only good thing that came out of what he did is now I am skilled at knowing which rules I can break and easily cover up and never get in trouble for. And I will never feel guilty for breaking a rule that I don't see as being fair. He would never finish anything he started, because it would torture my mother. Our yard never had grass, all 8 years we lived there. The basement was more of a cellar than a basement... There were building supplies all over the yard for half finished projects... I already mentioned he was a locksmith... He had a couple of different ads in the yellow book, with different cell numbers attached. For different cell phones/ads he would use different accents, and tell people outrageous prices for the job, and then herd them towards his real ad... So he was away a lot, because he was a locksmith. On most days he did not come home until late. But you never knew when he might appear. My mom says she stayed with him for so long for my brother and I. So we would have a roof over our heads. And we weren't old enough to be home alone. I think mostly she was just terrified. We could have lived with my grandparents again, no problem. But we didn't. And I am not going to ask why. So, anyway, I was in the 8th grade, 13, when she revealed her plans of leaving. We started moving little things that he wouldn't notice missing out of the house into friends houses... Mom was waiting for a day when she knew for sure that Tom would be away for at least 5 hours. And then the day came. I was in school, it was March or something, and the note came from the office giving permission to leave. My mom was waiting in her jeep, we picked up my brother, who knew nothing of what was going on, and we left. To my aunts friends cottage on the other side of the state, for a week. And then for the remainder of a month, we stayed with my grandparent's who were vacationing in Virginia. We didn't feel safe in Michigan. We lived in my grandparents basement for a year following. I finished up the year at my old school, but I had to leave my friends behind and go to a new school. It was horrible. The school was filled with JUST white people. There were, like, 5 black people in all my classes combined, including lunch. And there were also very few goths. And everyone was preppy and stuck up. I made no friends. My mom got a job as a high school teacher and we bought a house of our own. I went to yet another new school. It's got better diversity than Hell School. But it's been 2 years, and I still have yet to make a single friend that I can hang out with outside of school. We had only lived in the house for a few months before my mom's new boyfriend, Chris, and his 5 yr old, Chaise, moved in with us. It is true what they say. Victims attract predators. Predators can spot victims. He is manipulative. Very. He has turned my mother against me. She won't believe me when I tell her her beloved fiance is sexist. On the outside he seems like a nice guy. Even I thought he was alright the first couple of months of her dating him. But then he got it into his head that since he's ******** my mom and living in my house, he get's to tell me what to do. At first I thought I might just be stuck in the past. I might just have a paranoia about men. I might be confusing him with Tom. But no. I am quite sure of myself, by now. And there is nothing I can do about it. Nothing. It frustrates me to no end. Just thinking about it i start to..... The good news is that a year from now I'll graduate from high school, and go live with my dad. But by doing that, I'll be leaving my brother behind, and thinking of that just kills me, but what can I do? I have a couple of questions for you guys. Are all of you anti-social, or do you just have sub par social skills? Do you have trouble looking people in the face or the eyes? Do you have trouble feeling emotion? Do you put down (call them a loser or whatever) the people close to you in a jokingly way because it proves your friendship with them because only friends can joke around like that? Do you want to be a psychologist or something related to that when you are older? +My social skills have improved a lot this year, I'm actually surprised at the rate. Some people would even argue that I talk a lot. I'm happy that I'm getting better. It's still hard for me to voice my thoughts though. I feel like what is mine is mine and should stay mine, by that I mean my thoughts. I hate people getting inside of my head, I feel like it's none of their buisness. It's a big problem though, it's hard to keep friends because I hate telling ANYONE what I'm thinking. If anyone asks, I automatically get pissed. So unless I volunteer the information, which varies on subject and time, you're not going to know anything. So it sucks when I get pissed about something and I don't want to tell anyone anything about it. At this point, I think I block even myself from knowing why I get pissed too easily. I think the whole fact that I get pissed that I'm pissed clouds my thoughts, thus, making it hard to figure out the root of the problem. +I make myself look people in the eyes because it's a matter of common courtesy and respect. That's not a problem, holding the gaze is the problem. I hate feeling like people are figuring me out. I guess that makes things even more of a problem though, because I've left myself in my very own comfy cage (sarcasm). It's a b***h, I hate the fact that I'm locked myself in my own preverbial cage. Yay me(again, sarcasm). +I feel too much emotion. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I spent so much of my time blocking it, then realized that I didn't want to be apathetic. +I put my friends down all the time in a joking way. They know I'm joking. I still hate doing it though. Even though I'm just joking, it makes me feel horrible. +I planned on being a psychologist. I'm still thinking about it now, but I also may do something else in science because I'm afraid psychology will make me analyze myself too much... I've had enough of analyzing myself and the things around me. Now it jas just made me royally paranoid at times...
|
|
|
|
|
|
High-functioning Flashback
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun May 13, 2007 2:46 pm
I should probably answer my own questions, although the answers should be obvious...
Are you anti-social, or do you have sub par social skills?
I started going to my current high school 2 years ago, counting this year. I still have no friends. I guess my social skills must really be lacking.... I do have some people that I talk to in school, but no one that I hang out with outside of school. I never know what to say to people, and in a large group I am always left out of the conversation. Even when I try to say something, someone else always starts talking, and I just sort of trail off pitifully.
Do you have trouble looking people in the face or the eyes?
Yes. I know I should look at people when I'm talking to them, so every once in a while my eyes will glide over their face, but usually I'm looking off to the side or something. I can't make myself look people in the eyes. It just feels so weird.
Do you have trouble feeling emotion?
Most of the time I feel nothing. Every once in a while, however, it's like everything will build up, and then something will happen that makes me think of whatever, and then I'll cry myself to sleep that night, and feel nothing for another month or two. This situation with the emotions that I am in... I don't know if it came about through Tom or not, or through intense loneliness.... so that's why I'm asking you guys about it.
Do you put down (call them a loser or whatever) the people close to you in a jokingly way because it proves your friendship with them because only friends can joke around like that?
Yeah, I do. I hardly ever say kind things. And that kind of bothers me...
Do you want to be a psychologist or something related to that when you are older?
Yup. I want to do something with psychology, or something in the basic spectrum of social studies. History, Culture, Psychology, Sociology...
Psychology especially, though, mainly because I want to understand myself.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon May 14, 2007 4:05 pm
perhaps attending a psychologist might help u understand urself....anyway, to answer the questions:
i'm not antisocial, but i'm very quiet and shy. this has changed over the past 2 years, entering college, having a boyfriend...it's kind of made me realize it's really stupid to isolate urself from others, and so, i've slowly changed. i'm more open about my personality and what i think now.
it's not as hard as it used to be, looking at ppl to the face/eyes. b4 i'd always be looking at the ground or other places, anywhere but the face [but yeah, usualy looking to the ground]. now, as i've become more "confident" about myself, i'm able to look at ppl to the face. the eyes...well, not that easy yet. much like permelia said, it feels like the person can read u all over just by looking u in the eyes. after all, there's a reason for that cliché, the one that says "the eyes are doors to the soul". it's kinda scary, and annoying, that u can;t hide anything. that u can have a pretense down to the bone and yet the eyes betray u....that's why its still a bit hard for me to hold the gaze. i can look...well, glance at someones eyes when talking...but remaining like that, holding the gaze....it's really hard. i just try to look at the face in general, avoiding the eyes, of course.
i don't think i have troube showing emotion. before i did, always molding myself to those around me, acting like i knew they expected me to, saying what i knew they wanted to hear....completely beating down my personality so i could be what they wanted me to. but no more. now i am myself, and tho i hold back sometimes, hide some things, pretend to be ok when i'm not....i'm more true to my personality than i used to be. i do regret not having been myself, back in junior high.... but i don't remain in those thoughts. i just make sure to be myself, and if the person doesn;t like it...well, don't sit by me, then. i won't be mean, but i won't mold myself to the way they wish me to. so...i dont think i have much trouble feeling emotion. i do have trouble SHOWING it, but not feeling it. i feel it just fine.
i dont insult them 24/7, but we do goof around a lot. they constantly bug me bcs i'm short, bcs i'm female [i have more guy friends than girl friends, u see. many times it's just me and about 4 guys...so they go all sexist on me to annoy me...it sure works stressed sweatdrop ]. but i get back at them, in due time. so...they "put me down" but i do that to them, too. no doubt it's joking, of course. if either side feels has hit a low-blow, we quickly apologize after saying whatever it was. no harm done.
tho i've been told about it, and once considered it, psychology is not the career for me. i'm an animal-lover. my whole life i mostly considered becoming a vet. i'm not yet one [2-year college student], but after several classes, i'm completely sure veterinary is the career for me. not once have i doubted that since i started working with animals during my classes, not even when pigs pooped and urinated all over me, not when i'd leave the barn covered in s**t, pee, and smelling like pig ALL OVER, getting cut, hurting all over from the work....animals are the job for me. can't say i liked being covered in crap and piss sweatdrop and the smell is certainly NOT PLEASANT, but i really enjoyed working with the farm animals. not the cleanest job, but it's the one i enjoy. so...no psychology for me 3nodding
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon May 14, 2007 4:35 pm
Yeah, I have been to a psychologist....
He didn't really help, though, he just sat there and listened to me prattle on about whatever popped into my head...
Maybe just talking was good for me.
Maybe not.
I was rather offended, though, when he said that all teenagers are like me....
I hate being compared to other teenagers. As if just because these sorts of things are what teenagers tend to go through makes them any less important.
And it isn't fair to say all teenagers go through what I am going through, when they haven't been in the places and situations I've been in...
Telling me all my problems will be fixed, and my questions will be answered, when I grow up and leave for college, is not going to help me.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
