EHG is being rewritten ^w^

[Saikii]

https://www.gaiaonline.com/guilds/viewtopic.php?page=1&t=25268333#383594613

I decided to name it after the Freddy Mercury song and make it less of a fanfiction and more of a FOX/WB network-style action drama. It'll take a while, but I'm pretty proud of the progress so far. What do you think?  

[Prof. Moonie]

Sounds intriguing.

Probably the only thing it's lacking right now is a bit more description of the world you're presenting to us. Describe your characters and surroundings more. As one of my creative writing teachers used to say: "Show us, don't tell us." For example, you mention...

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In the beginning, she's in a cell. What sort of cell is she in? A dungeon-like cell with stone bricks and iron chains? Or is it a futuristic cell where everything is clinic white with steel restraints? In my mind, I automatically thought the latter because it seemed to fit better with the futuristic feel I thought was going on (based on the "galactic diplomacy" comment earlier).

Then when she's on the bus, you mention she's entering the city. How does the city look? Is it your typical modern day skyscraper city with regular cars? Or has it been updated with new, futuristic architecture? What's the transportation like? This will help your readers place where the story takes place too - especially how far in the future you might be placing it. Could it be a potential future just around the corner or is it decades/eras in the future?

Essentially consider what details other stories falling in the same theme as this story reveal to their readers and how you can incorporate that level of information into yours. On the other side of things, don't overload the story too much with details that it causes the flow of the story to drag; Stephen King is a good example of this - he can go a bit overboard with his details and the story can suffer a bit because of it.  

[Saikii]

Thank you! Looks like I've got some editing to do biggrin  

[Saikii]

There we go! >w<