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 Posted: Tue Jul 24, 2007 4:19 pm
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ok...this is going to be a long story....so please bear with me if it mite seem alittle confusing.
ok, ill start from when it began.
once apon a time i ment this girl on the net....a girl diffent from any other girl i ment ever before. and it seemed it was the same for her to me.
we both became very close, we opened up to each others, thoughts, problems, bealfes, worrys...everything. We shared alot with each other, and we would end up talk for hours days on end about any random meaningful stuff which...i guess others mite laugh at or seem just werid...
but that is want kind of relasionship we had....were we could share to each other a person that does not seem to be exsepeted in the real world- im sure some of you may know want i mean. but lets just say we shared a deep connetsion....later to realize we where inlove.
we admited it to each other one moonless night (it was a new moon...moon for beginings...werid huh?) but from then on...things changed. Sure, it got better for us, we started to go past some of the barrers we would not let others cross even more, we began to talk about love and its nautre...and want we would do, how we would spend are time togarther when we ment up for the frist time.......we even plained to die togather.
you must understand....we are both dreamers....and dreamers suffer in a world that is real and not dream. It became some want of a great gift that we found each other.....she did not wish to be alone in death, and i knew i could not die without some body there to help me....well...'jump'.
we both felt so happy to have each other....we started plaining the two weeks we ment...and want would happen on the night i had to go home...
we as time pasted...it became more and more less-likly that we where ever going to meet up in real life....
id tired alot of things to gain the money...to ask for help from my mother and farther....ask it for x-mass...my birthday. if not the trip then money for it.
but it became very hard....and nothing was working.
she tryed things over her end....she asked how her mother felt about a boy comeing over from england to stay with them....her mother was not very much up to the idea....infact, she yelled at her for even asking. ----it made her very upset. she hate haveing her hopes smashed like that....bleave it its happend alot to her.
but yeah....time passed on....and year infact...an year of the two years we had known each other. and with each passing day the hope of us even beingable to meet became some want stupid...
i began to feel her slowly drifting away from me....she started to be depressed and sad again....closeing her self off to me more and more as time went on. untill...it felt like she did not love me anymore....- i myself began to find it hard to even think apon the word....for it brong me pain in the fact i could never hold her in real life....i think she felt that to....the dream we plained...the last dream suddenly crubbling infront of us all cus of the world would like let us have it. would not let us have are peace....
she finaly lost all hope in us meeting, and saw little point in holding on to it....she plained to die alone. She could not bear staying alive for so long when she wished to die so much. i knew there was nothing i could do to stop her, even if i felt pain so much in not being able to meet her, talk to her....i could not bring myself to try and stop her....it was her dream after all....thats all she really has.
now...she barly talks to me....and when ever we do i have to start the conversions....but then she asks me to stop cus it makes her feel pain. i try to open her up but now it seems like she cant without feeling like busting out in to tears. and im finding it hard to talk to a hollow shell of the person i once knew. and i'm finding it hard to hold my sanaty togather without her.....my mind feels messed up...mixed up and hazey and confused.....lost. as if broken. i cant think strate....and above all...a feel, so very alone again.
every time i talk to her i feel as if i bring her pain.....and evey day i go without i feel pain myself...
i feel so messed up i cant figer out want to do....and i fear that my depression is givening the ansser that there is nothing i can do....and im going to be stuck with this pain.
we went mouths without a word togeather other....we both knew love was only corseing us pain now....we we thought it mite be better if we forgot about love.
i needed confect....so i turned to an other close friend of mine....she wanted to know why id changed so much...why i seemed so much in gref.
we begain to share alot of conversions....she made me feel some want like myold self again. she helped me relse some of the things that where on my mind. i began amiting everything to her, about how i plained to die with her.....
and even....if it was not for her leaveing gaia for school work so long ago...i thought id mite of fallen in love with her instend....we both shared a meaningful connextion....she liked to leson to want was on my mind, and i liked to hear want she thought of it. she brightend up my days....
it turns out that she felt some thing for me to...back then. but now saddly she has somebody....and i feel like such a fool.
she barly comes on now to talk to me....since school started up again for her.
so hear i am....alone, and confused to everything.
i feel like the world is agest me.....i know that is depression talking but nothing feels the same anymore....i feel...dead....dead inside.
i dont know want to do...i feel like i need somebody, but no body i think would understand seems to be willing to leson to my crys....i feel weak and stupid.
every time i think of love with the one i love....and try to remeber the happy memrrise i have....i just feel pain after. and i feel like a fool...
forgive me if it seems there are parts to this that are missing or yet unexsplained.
if anybody has any adtive....please give it...and please be understanding.
i know there are some questons that mite need adressing to open up this alittle more, if you can think of any please feel free to ask them....i'm willing to ansser anything.
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Posted: Tue Jul 24, 2007 4:40 pm
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Posted: Tue Jul 24, 2007 4:49 pm
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Posted: Tue Jul 24, 2007 5:07 pm
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Posted: Tue Jul 24, 2007 5:08 pm
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Posted: Tue Jul 24, 2007 5:26 pm
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Transparent Sunrise Well... truthfully I don't really understand how you feel, but I know how much depression hurts, and the pain of not being with the person you love. Its unbarable at times. I cut myself to focus on soemthing other then that pain, and that really got me no where. If fact it made things wrose. And even though I have stopped hurting myself like that, I'm still depressed. The point of telling you that is that no matter what happens you shouldnt make the same mistake I did. Cutting and possibly killing youself will not better your chances of ever feeling better. It makes the people who care about you so scared and so hurt that they have no clue what to do. Your story is so complicated that I don't know what to make of it, really. As I read it I though about how wonderful it would be for you to suddenly show up at this girls house and surprise her. If it were me and I felt as bad as she seems to feel then I would love it for the guy I loved to do soemthing like that. It would show me how much he cares. But then you said she actually told you to stop talking to her because it made her feel pain, and that actually pissed me off. If she loved you and knows how you felt about her she should hold onto all hope that there will be the day when you two will be together..... I realy have no clue if this will change anything at all, but I felt I had to say it. If you want you can PM me and we can I donno, talk this through a bit more? It's up to you, all I want to do is try to help you.
i appoagise for how confusing it is....like i said i'm kinda lost now within want i say....meny things become hard to exsplain fully and even right. my mind is a muddled mess makeing things so very hard to think though....some times i just give up compleatly it seems that confusing....thats why i thought id just delete the post...since it hardy made any sence at all.
but i hope to soon mend that....
ok, frist thing i guess i sould let you know is that i do cut...or well...did, i have not seen much point in doing it for a long time...
i did do it...but its not for the resons you may think...it was nothing to do with this really....it was just a personal thing. the fact is that every now and then i just feel the sudden arg to feel pain. i want to feel pain, phyical pain, and i want to see its result. for some reson i just need it. it helps me some how...like as if it helped me feel alive...and not so dead inside. to know that i can bleed and feel pain...is kinda a boot back in to reatly for me. some times i need that....saddness has nothing to do with it...though, it may help that to some times...
bleave me...i would like nothing more then to suddenly turn up on her door step like you said and hug her and never let go. if i could i would give everything i had to get the money and the means to go and see her for just a week or two....thats all i need.
"sigh"...but now....i dont think thats possable now....and even if i could....i mite find my last hope to be a disapointing one......im not even sure if she loves me anymore. infact i dont think she does...
im sorry to hear that it upset you since her actsions where to stop talking to me....but you must understand why....we have tryed so hard to fix this problem....id amit, we have not talked as much as we could of...and i wish we still cuddle...but it seems very much hopless now.
and i fear soon enough she will be gone from my life compleatly...since now she wishs to die alone....and i cant stop her. |
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Posted: Tue Jul 24, 2007 5:32 pm
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gothic-leo Transparent Sunrise Well... truthfully I don't really understand how you feel, but I know how much depression hurts, and the pain of not being with the person you love. Its unbarable at times. I cut myself to focus on soemthing other then that pain, and that really got me no where. If fact it made things wrose. And even though I have stopped hurting myself like that, I'm still depressed. The point of telling you that is that no matter what happens you shouldnt make the same mistake I did. Cutting and possibly killing youself will not better your chances of ever feeling better. It makes the people who care about you so scared and so hurt that they have no clue what to do. Your story is so complicated that I don't know what to make of it, really. As I read it I though about how wonderful it would be for you to suddenly show up at this girls house and surprise her. If it were me and I felt as bad as she seems to feel then I would love it for the guy I loved to do soemthing like that. It would show me how much he cares. But then you said she actually told you to stop talking to her because it made her feel pain, and that actually pissed me off. If she loved you and knows how you felt about her she should hold onto all hope that there will be the day when you two will be together..... I realy have no clue if this will change anything at all, but I felt I had to say it. If you want you can PM me and we can I donno, talk this through a bit more? It's up to you, all I want to do is try to help you. we can talk her if you want....it really does not matter to me....plus, if anybody eilse would happen to read it it will give them an little more insight to my iusse. i appoagise for how confusing it is....like i said i'm kinda lost now within want i say....meny things become hard to exsplain fully and even right. my mind is a muddled mess makeing things so very hard to think though....some times i just give up compleatly it seems that confusing....thats why i thought id just delete the post...since it hardy made any sence at all. but i hope to soon mend that.... ok, frist thing i guess i sould let you know is that i do cut...or well...did, i have not seen much point in doing it for a long time... i did do it...but its not for the resons you may think...it was nothing to do with this really....it was just a personal thing. the fact is that every now and then i just feel the sudden arg to feel pain. i want to feel pain, phyical pain, and i want to see its result. for some reson i just need it. it helps me some how...like as if it helped me feel alive...and not so dead inside. to know that i can bleed and feel pain...is kinda a boot back in to reatly for me. some times i need that....saddness has nothing to do with it...though, it may help that to some times... bleave me...i would like nothing more then to suddenly turn up on her door step like you said and hug her and never let go. if i could i would give everything i had to get the money and the means to go and see her for just a week or two....thats all i need. "sigh"...but now....i dont think thats possable now....and even if i could....i mite find my last hope to be a disapointing one......im not even sure if she loves me anymore. infact i dont think she does... im sorry to hear that it upset you since her actsions where to stop talking to me....but you must understand why....we have tryed so hard to fix this problem....id amit, we have not talked as much as we could of...and i wish we still cuddle...but it seems very much hopless now. and i fear soon enough she will be gone from my life compleatly...since now she wishs to die alone....and i cant stop her.
Um, do you mean she just wants to spend the rest of her life alone even if there is a chance she might not have to, or that she wants to kill herself.......? |
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Posted: Tue Jul 24, 2007 5:53 pm
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Transparent Sunrise gothic-leo Transparent Sunrise Well... truthfully I don't really understand how you feel, but I know how much depression hurts, and the pain of not being with the person you love. Its unbarable at times. I cut myself to focus on soemthing other then that pain, and that really got me no where. If fact it made things wrose. And even though I have stopped hurting myself like that, I'm still depressed. The point of telling you that is that no matter what happens you shouldnt make the same mistake I did. Cutting and possibly killing youself will not better your chances of ever feeling better. It makes the people who care about you so scared and so hurt that they have no clue what to do. Your story is so complicated that I don't know what to make of it, really. As I read it I though about how wonderful it would be for you to suddenly show up at this girls house and surprise her. If it were me and I felt as bad as she seems to feel then I would love it for the guy I loved to do soemthing like that. It would show me how much he cares. But then you said she actually told you to stop talking to her because it made her feel pain, and that actually pissed me off. If she loved you and knows how you felt about her she should hold onto all hope that there will be the day when you two will be together..... I realy have no clue if this will change anything at all, but I felt I had to say it. If you want you can PM me and we can I donno, talk this through a bit more? It's up to you, all I want to do is try to help you. we can talk her if you want....it really does not matter to me....plus, if anybody eilse would happen to read it it will give them an little more insight to my iusse. i appoagise for how confusing it is....like i said i'm kinda lost now within want i say....meny things become hard to exsplain fully and even right. my mind is a muddled mess makeing things so very hard to think though....some times i just give up compleatly it seems that confusing....thats why i thought id just delete the post...since it hardy made any sence at all. but i hope to soon mend that.... ok, frist thing i guess i sould let you know is that i do cut...or well...did, i have not seen much point in doing it for a long time... i did do it...but its not for the resons you may think...it was nothing to do with this really....it was just a personal thing. the fact is that every now and then i just feel the sudden arg to feel pain. i want to feel pain, phyical pain, and i want to see its result. for some reson i just need it. it helps me some how...like as if it helped me feel alive...and not so dead inside. to know that i can bleed and feel pain...is kinda a boot back in to reatly for me. some times i need that....saddness has nothing to do with it...though, it may help that to some times... bleave me...i would like nothing more then to suddenly turn up on her door step like you said and hug her and never let go. if i could i would give everything i had to get the money and the means to go and see her for just a week or two....thats all i need. "sigh"...but now....i dont think thats possable now....and even if i could....i mite find my last hope to be a disapointing one......im not even sure if she loves me anymore. infact i dont think she does... im sorry to hear that it upset you since her actsions where to stop talking to me....but you must understand why....we have tryed so hard to fix this problem....id amit, we have not talked as much as we could of...and i wish we still cuddle...but it seems very much hopless now. and i fear soon enough she will be gone from my life compleatly...since now she wishs to die alone....and i cant stop her.Um, do you mean she just wants to spend the rest of her life alone even if there is a chance she might not have to, or that she wants to kill herself.......?
just like i....she has spend most of her life dreaming of death. the only diffence is....she is not as weak hearted as i am to fight for are dreams. |
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Posted: Tue Jul 24, 2007 6:41 pm
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You know, I've seen a lot of things in my years, but nothing like this. The only advice I can offer is this:
Dreams are what we as humans hold on to. Even though most people don't realize it, but everyone has dreams that they wish to fulfill. It's chasing these dreams that make us feel alive. Whether that dream is to be recognized, find true love, obtain power, or just live a peaceful life, we must hold onto these dreams. Just because you cannot do anything to reach your final destination now, doesn't mean that you will not have a chance to. Everyone has a chance to obtain their dream, but you have to want it, and you have to know how to get it.
If you truly feel empty without her, keep in contact. It may hurt now, but in the future, you both will learn that it's for the best. Your plans span across your lives, but starting that plan a few years later won't change anything. Tell her that if she really wants to be with you, and to fulfill those plans that you two have made, that you have to stay in contact. Never give up on your dreams, there is nothing superior to love in this world. If you really want to be together, both of you, then do it. Save up your money, do not wait to tell her. The only thing you can do is go for it. Do your best to get you two together, if not for a lifetime, then a week, or just for one night.
Continue to do your best and finally, when you have the money to get a house and settle down near her, stay by her side.
"Go, if you come up against a hurdle.
Fight, fight for the things you believe in.
Passion, Joy, Sorrow, pain and tears.
All they will be pabulum of your life.
Go, if you come under the wet yourself.
Fight, fight for the person you believe in.
Destiny is calling you...
'Obey me, or defy me'"
~Southern cross(chorus) - 403 Forbiddena
What will you do?
Will you conform to what destiny says and live your lives without ever meeting each other and eventually drifting too far away to return?
Or will you defy this destiny and put everything you've got into getting there?
Will you give up now?
Or will you continue on and pass this hurdle?
Will you just stand by and watch it crumble right in front of your eyes?
Or will you fight for everything you believe in?
It's your choice to make. First choose, and if you will continue on with your plans, tell her that you will continue to try and one day meet. Tell her that one day, in the not so distant future that you will follow those plans you made. But the only way that this will actually happen is if you both do everything you can to get together.
I really hope that I could help.
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