What's wrong with me?

[Myst Kyaana]

I've been having a hard couple of months. I was bullied for six years before I moved school, now, two years later, I'm still affected by it, all it takes is for one comment from someone saying something like 'Oh go away!', even though it's always in a jokey manner, and i go straight from happiness, to severe sadness. I always feel like running away and running into a brick wall over and over again. I used to self harm, but I made myself stop because I was worrying my parents, but I self harmed again the other day and I feel so guilty about it now, I have long scratches along my legs and every time I look at them I feel so bad, the self harm only helped for a split second where I could focus on the pain in my legs and forget about everything else.
I'm a happy person, as long as I'm with people that I'm friends with, but there are times when I seem to slow down and everyone keeps on going happily, but I just feel so bad.
I've talked to Connexions online and they've told me to go see a counseller, but my Mum and Dad disagree, they say I'm overreacting and that I shouldn't waste someone's time.
I've been having recurring dreams recently about people dying, in different situations and it different ways, but it keeps happening. I dream about mass murders and accidental murders, bordering on suicides. They're really scary and disturbing but I don't really view them as nightmares, I see them more as, I don't know, warnings? I'm not sure...
I've also had recurring dreams in the last two years about me being trapped somewhere and I need to get out, but all the exits are way too small for me and I'm scared about going through them. Everyone else can go through except me.
I've just figured out that I'm bisexual and I'm so scared of telling anyone. I'm paranoid that everyone will be disgusted and the chavs at my school will bully me again. I wouldn't be strong enough to go through that again. Only two of my friends know about me being bi. My friend from my old school who I had a relationship with and my lesbian friend from America (I live in Britain). My paranoia helped end my relationship with my boyfriend.
Please help me, I don't think I can live with myself for much longer.
 

[Ragnius]

about the issue of your bullied past:

as far as it goes, in this area, and it may be hard, but you mus t"forgive and forget" what you "old peer"s did to you

i grew up for 1st-6th grade as the class-pick-on kid, i got so consumed by my anger, that the cops nearly had to arrest me at age of 12

that was 7 years ago, and in due course of time i have forgiven and forgoten things that transpired that dya, making it easy to live with it

as for self harm, you're not alone, i've done it to, that pain lets us know we're alive but to do it to ease emotional pain, well, thats not a good thing

as for your "reccuring dreams", youtr mind projects these beace it's how you feel inside your heart as to what the world you used to live in feels they'd like to do to you,

it's a thing called "residual emotion" - they despise(d) you, and you attracted those emotions, storing them up, and now the supply has been cut, the storage is about to burst in hopes of fiding a new power source

as for the "being trapped" dream, it's what you feel like right now...

as for being "Bisexual" - there is no advice other than " go to chruch, become a mighty christian, spread god's love

that last piece of info:
to be a mighty chrisitan you msut give your ehart to god and lvie out how he says,

someone may say "oh yes i am a christian" but outside the church they use the F-bomb repeatedly, this is not the level of faith of which i speak

it took nearly becoming a mass murderer for me, but i can say this:

your most grueling trial is coming, one where all your friend will be unsure whether to hang out with you

you'll be given a choice: god's way, or your way - take the way of God  

[Myst Kyaana]

I've tried to forgive and forget, believe me. But i'm not angry at them, I'm angry at myself and I have no idea why.
Thanks for your advice, but I'll never become a Christian, I have nothing against them, my cousins and Aunt and Uncle are Christians and i love them dearly, but I can't believe in God, trust me, I would love to. But it's never going to be an option for me.
Thank you for your advice

Myst  

[shani26]

Wow this one is so big i don't know where to begin.
I will start with just one problem, cuz it is hard to work on everything at once.
About the dreams, you can controll them in some way. Before you go to sleep imagine what you want to dream about. I am sure you will find it in your dreams.
I usally wish to have a flying dream, and it usally works for me. I really like to fly! biggrin  

[Calypsophia]

it sounds to me, at least in part you have major self-esteem issues. as tho you dont think you're good enough. you're sensitive, and even tho you know someone is joking with you, perhaps the joke reflects how you really feel about yourself?

it's amazing to me that your parents wont listen to you. how many kids actually tell their parents, "I think I need therapy"? if my kid said that to me, off he'd go. it's my opinion if a kid *wants* to go to a dr (of any kind) then there must be a real problem.  

[Ragnius]

Myst Kyaana

I've tried to forgive and forget, believe me. But i'm not angry at them, I'm angry at myself and I have no idea why.
Thanks for your advice, but I'll never become a Christian, I have nothing against them, my cousins and Aunt and Uncle are Christians and i love them dearly, but I can't believe in God, trust me, I would love to. But it's never going to be an option for me.
Thank you for your advice

Myst

you might feel this way now, but once you've reach a major crossroads, well, you may htink differently

i almost went to the point of letting the Great Sin, Wrath, take over my soul to exect some petty revenge, the fac ti'm still standing as a free citizen is proof God is real, i cant back it but it is

as for you not being able to beleive in him...

have you tried?
i'm not tlaking syaing ?"oh yeah, i beielve in god" or simply praying,

i'm talking "try" as in go to chruch, regularly, and absorb their "reisdual emotion"

as i christian i can say this, most of christianity is based on a 'group-effort' backing

what this emans is alone you'll fail in christianity, but working together with those more spiritual, will amp you up

believe me, i was a non believer, and in those days, i knew, not thoguht, but knew i'd never beleive in god...and look at me know.....  

[Myst Kyaana]

Shani26- I love flying dreams as well, I've had about four in my life and loved them all, I'll try and take your advice, thank you.

Calypsophia- Thank you for your thoughts, when I talked to Connexions, they said that I had low self esteem as well, I think that what you're saying could be true. I tend to overreact when I'm ill, or I've cut myself, just as a joke. But my parents think I'm overreacting now. They're determined to keep me away from the Doctors. Thank you for your help.

Aww Heck- Trust me, I would really love to believe in God, but I know that I'll never be able to. I'm glad that you've found something to believe in and that is has helped you. But I don't agree with all of the Bible's ethics and it's simply not an option. And I have tried to be a Christian. I went to church, I prayed, but it really wasn't for me. Thank you for your help though.  

[Calypsophia]

you know, if you were to go to a school councelor about your problems.. even tell him/her about what cutting you've done in the past, they'd alert your parents and your parents, by law, would have to take you to counceling. at least, that's how it is in my state, and I know, as a parent, by experience.

my son and I got into it one day (dont recall what it was about), and he was so angry, that he started cutting up the back of his hand out of spite. he's not a cutter, and has never displayed psychological issues. he did it just for show. when I didnt react as he wanted me to, he went to school the next day and told his friend he wanted to hurt himself and showed him his hand, that friend got worried and told another friend, and that friend told a teacher, that teacher told the school councelor. my son was taken out of class, I was called out of work, a crisis center councelor was called into the school and basically told me that after talking to my son he didnt think Damian was a troubled kid, but he wanted me to get my kid to a therapist just in case. at least one or two sessions. if I failed to do what he recommended, the law would take matters into it's own hands. needless to say my son didnt want to go to a therapist, so this event taught him a bit of a lesson. such a thing might work out to your favor tho since you think it would benefit you. it might be a way of forcing your parents hand so to speak.  

[Myst Kyaana]

My dad works at the school that i go to and he's said that the counsellers gossip (even though they're not allowed to by law) i don't think he wants it getting around the staff room that his kid needs counselling. I live in Britain and i don't think it works like that here. Thank you for your advice though, it's very much appreciated.  

[Calypsophia]

Myst Kyaana

My dad works at the school that i go to and he's said that the counsellers gossip (even though they're not allowed to by law) i don't think he wants it getting around the staff room that his kid needs counselling. I live in Britain and i don't think it works like that here. Thank you for your advice though, it's very much appreciated.

that sux. I have no idea about the laws in Britain. but it's a shame when someone is more concerned with appearances than helping ones child.  

[duckix3]

I can't really say I've felt the same way that you did, but there was a period of time in my life when I reacted to every small thing. Like if someone jokingly said something harsh, I would go into depression (similar to your case I guess). The only thing that got me through it was (is) keeping myself busy. When you're in a state of depression, force yourself to stop thinking. Think about anything else, watch a TV show, play music (that really helped me). Do anything so that you don't have to think about dying or self harm. Also, you're perfect the way you are. Everyone is different in their own way, and you should be proud of who you are. As for the bullies, they're just cowards who can not find satisfaction in their own lives so they find it by hurting people. They're the unfortunate ones, not you.  

[greendew]

Well, I don't see you as a person who is saying all of this to get attention, otherwise I wouldn't have bothered. Which means I beleive you to be a good person, someone worth it.

I think what you need is three things.
1. You need someone to talk to. Someone to tell your worries to and someone for you to listen to in return. This will get things off your chest and learning from someone else will make you feel better as well, you won't feel so alone.
2. You need support. Emotional and physical. To know that someone cares, even if you have no idea who this person is. And you have to open yourself to care for them too. Its a two way deal.
3. Find a way to express yourself. If you don't find a way to vent your feelings they will build up and release themself in forms of dreams, build up emotions, or the want for pain. Drawing, reading, talking, writing. All are simple but effective forms.

Now if you feel like you don't have anyone to talk to, you can always contact me. I am not perfect and I am techiniqually still a kid, but that should make you more comfortable talking to me. My life hasn't been the easiest either and sometimes I have resorted to pain as well so we would be talking on the same level.
I hope you feel better heart  

[Myst Kyaana]

duckix3- Thank you for your advice, I try to keep myself busy, but there are times when I just slow down and I can't think about anything els and I just feel so bad inside. Thank you for your help.
greendew- Thank you for your ideas. I don't really have any one to talk to as they all have problems of their own and I don't want to burden them with mine but i shall try to talk to someone. I know that some of my friends care, it's just so easy for me to doubt my friendship, even if I've known them for ages. I express myself all the time. I'm always writing and drawing. I love to create, and it does help but not for long. Thank you for your help and for your offer.

Myst  

[KitKat195]

Bullied six years...ooo. You need to believe in yourself. Who cares if your bisexual? You have friends who don't really care about that. Also, with the dreams, try to be happy. I can easily say that I'm pretty happy, and I enjoy making other people happy too. So have a hug! *hugs* Self-harmed...I got it! Everyone has a reason to live, so do you! Who cares about the bullies, they're just passing on some preassure. Stand up for yourself, have confidence in yourself! Otherwise, you're good as those people who are bullying you.  

[Aznanimegurl14]

Wow...If I try to say everything I want to tell you then this post would never end. I would really like to talk to you for I find a lot of things in common. If you think that you need to talk and get advice, then PM me. I'm always there to talk to.