I am starting to make a story - tell me what you think

[Moonhera]

Cristism is welcome as I want to make this the best I can - this is the prologue
If you want to tell me anything to make it better
I know its not a storyline but its a beginning of the story - tell me where it can be developed to
I'll feel happy if people don't copy this without my permission as I am doing this book for my friends as they mean the world to me.
Also tell me if it confused you, or if its horrible or just good

ALL OPINIONS WELCOME

 

[Moonhera]

Prologue

The sea swished against the sparkling golden sands of the beach, which was normally packed full with visitors from the planets in the space. It was empty. Empty of the joy and happiness that was promised in the travel guides, so the beaches lay empty like a gapping wound. The villages, which surrounded the beaches and ports of the mainland, were empty of life. A single child’s cry shrilling out for their mother would have at once sparked life in this desolate area, yet no cry was such heard. Only the muffled sounds that reached from the city several miles away.

Across the bulky land of fields and the generous streams, which gave life to dry dirt that made up everyday life, to the proud standing city known for its prized healers of both the land and people. Yet the bells, which rested in the tallest tower, were not ringing the songs of the healers but that of the song of the killers. Its low mournful song would echo in your head but no memory could forget the duet of the people and bells, for the bells rang a tune and the peoples’ screams sang with it. It would know be now as the song that started the start of the end ... the Alpha of the Omega.

The only thing that ruined the duet was the shots fired from the heavy, husky black guns, which would only help the decreasing screams of the young and old. Yet one house in the outskirts of the centre of the city was quiet beyond time itself and inside lay something that was unimaginable. A man, cloaked in a black cape and hood, stood there with his hands out over a small orb that lay on the badly made wooden table and the orb was showing the glow of something different, something powerful. A woman, also cloaked and hooded but this time in the lightest blue, stood behind him holding a still bundle of rags in her arms, which she clung to so tightly. The only sound that came from the room was the sound of the man swearing softly as the sacred enchantment failed to respond from inside the orb.

Time seemed to pass so slowly in that room and the sounds of the guns slowed as the orb disappeared to revel a small pinkish light that seemed to make a hole in the table, yet if you looked underneath the table no hole could be seen. The woman had no expression on her face as she placed the rags over the hole, letting go with swift movements. In a normal time the rags should have dropped into the pinkish light and then reappeared on the other side but this wasn’t a normal time, this was different, this was an essential time. Slowly the pinkish light rose over the bundle of rags and disappeared through the roof. Had it been an illusion the rags would have been left there hovering for a lifetime until someone had removed it. Yet this was no illusion for the bundle had gone from sight and mind, from the planet in this time.

The man in the meantime had collapsed as the pinkish light had appeared, his shaking hands collapsing to the floor to support him. The cloaked woman had bent down to support him as well, for her heart couldn’t remain in two places and she had chosen to stay with the man she had lived with for years. She whispered in the man’s ear, smiling as time caught up with the man and woman, for there were no more screams. Nothing would be recorded now for no one could ever record the name of this place anymore. Unnoticed by the cloaked couple knelt on the floor, the door had been swung open without any natural noise and a gun was raised to the couple and a voice that would haunt the nations and people of other planets for years to come said five simple words one that would prove deadly in many years to come
“A person is no more”

And as the voice spoke, the bells rang its last chime as it plummeted to the ground, knocked by the guns that sought to silence its haunting tune and a child’s cry was finally heard.

 

[Prof. Moonie]

I think for the lines "The sea swished against the sparkling golden sands of the beach, which was normally packed full with visitors from the planets in the space. It was empty", you could change it to "The sea swished against the sparkling golden sands of the beach. Normally it was packed full with visiotrs from the neighbouring planets. But today it was empty." When people read planets, I'm sure they will know that it's planets in space. Don't really need to explain that their in space.

For the line "Empty of the joy and happiness that was promised in the travel guides, so the beaches lay empty like a gapping wound," I almost feel like the part about the beach being empty like a gapping wound seems out of place. You could just simply live it as "Empty of the joy and happiness that was promised in the travel guides."

For the line "Only the muffled sounds that reached from the city several miles away", edit it to "Only the muffled sounds could be heard from the city several miles away".

The line "Across the bulky land of fields and the generous streams, which gave life to dry dirt that made up everyday life, to the proud standing city known for its prized healers of both the land and people" seems a little awkward to me. It may be because I don't know if you are having the reader travel across the fields and streams to the city... or if you are just describing what the land looks like. Furthermore, is the tower in the empty village, or is it located in the city?

For the line "Its low mournful song would echo in your head", I suggest changing it to "Its low mournful song would echo in one's head". Having the "your" seems out of place when the rest of the text is being up close and personal with the reader.

For the line "It would know be now as the song that started the start of the end... the Alpha of the Omega", I suggest changing it to "It would now be known as the song of the beginning of the end - the Alpha of the Omega."
For the part "...shot fired from the heavy, husky black guns, which would only kept the decreasing screams of the young and old," for some reason I think hearing the sound of guns would help increase the screams, rather than decrease them... unless the shots being fired are killing the people making the amount of screams become less and less.

For the part "...stood there with his hand out over a small orb that lay on the badly made wooden table and the orb was showing the glow of something different, something powerful", I suggest seperating it into two different sentences - "...stood there with his hand out over a small orb that laid on a badly made wooden table. The orb was showing the glow of something different, something powerful."

For the part, "A woman, also cloaked and hooded but this time in the lightest blue," I suggest changing it to "A woman, also cloaked and hood but in light blue..."

For "stood behind him holding a still bundle of rags in her arms, which she clung to so tightly", I suggest changing it to "stood behind him holding a bundle of rags in her arms, which she clung to tightly". For some reason, when you say "still bundle of rags", I feel like it ruins the mystery of what is in the rags. Though most readers may be familiar with the fact that if a woman is holding onto a bundle of rags like that, it usually contains a child.

For the line "The man in the meantime had collapsed as the pinkish light had appeared, his shaking hands collapsing to the floor to support him", I think it would sound better if it was "The man had collapsed when the pinkish light had appeared, and he tried to support himself with his shaking hands".

The line "The cloaked woman had bent down to support him as well, for her heart couldn't remain in two places and she had chosen to stay with the man she had lived with for years," the last part seems a little confusing to me. Perhaps if you changed it to "The cloaked woman bent down to help support him. Her heart couldn't remain in two place and she had chosen to stay with the man she had lived with for years, rather than...". Since I don't know where you want to take the story, you can fill in the part after the "rather than...".

For the line "She whispered in the man's ear, smiling as time caught up with the man and woman, for there were no more screams", I suggest seperating it into two sentences - "She whispered in the man's ear, smiling as time caught up with them. There were no more screams."

For the line "Unnoticed by the cloaked couple knelt on the floor, the door had been swung open without any natural noise and a gun was raised to the couple and a voice that would haunt the nations and people of other planets for years to come said five simple words one that would prove deadly in many years to come", it seems pretty long. You can seperate it into seperate sentences - "Unnoticed by the cloaked couple, the door had swung open without any natural nosie and a gun was raised to the couple. A voice that would haunt the nations and people of other planets for years to come said five simple words". Considering you already mention that the voice is going to haunt the nations and people, I don't think you need to mention that the words being said would be deadly. It can be sort of implied without mentioning it.

Overall, I'm quite impressed. It seems like a pretty good story. Just a few tweaks here and there. Don't be afraid to seperate ideas into seperate sentences. It can be sort of tiring after awhile if readers have to keep reading long sentences. Keeping sentences to a reasonable length helps the reader move smoothly through the context and be able to understand what is being said much better.

Good work. smile  

[Creator of Destruction]

There are some excellent ideas, metaphors, and imagery in here. The only problem is that you get so wrapped up in them that you forget to be simple. I'm feeling to lazy to be specific right now, but there are places where you could tone down the figurative language and simply call something "a table" or "a voice" or something. Maybe some basic descriptions, like "an old table" or "a rough voice," but don't overuse metaphors. They're phenomenal tools, but you don't want them to lose their power and meaning via overuse.

A few bits were confusing: what was happening with the rag? how is the woman connected to this man? what does "time caught up with them" mean? I'm sure you plan to explain these later, which is just fine, but the way they're described when they happen creates some confusion. Perhaps adding a few more details would help, or else giving us just enough information to understand without revealing any plot secrets. If you're going to be cryptic, make sure the reader knows it's intentional. Otherwise, they'll get caught up in being confused and lose the illusion of the story.

That said...can you post more of this later? I'm terribly curious. The ending to your prologue is really great. Definitely piqued my curiosity. biggrin  

[Lenuta Sarisano]

Wow, Moonhera. I love it. You should definitely continue the story. It claws at the reader, having them want more. Wonderful!