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Kind of a long story... :3
A few weeks ago, I got a pair of scissors and sliced my fingers several times (at first, I only did it once but there were no cuts, so I thought it didn't cut through), but I did this out of pure curiosity; I wanted to see if it would hurt a lot. I seem kind of stupid and reckless, I know. sweatdrop I didn't really feel anything, but blood began seeping out of the invisible cuts.
The next day, my best friend (let's call her S) saw the cuts, so I told her the truth: I cutted myself just to see if it would hurt. She was like "Whoa! Why? XD" She didn't freak out about it, which I was quite relieved about. S is one of those really quiet students (I can only hear her mumbling most of the time, and I'd be like "What was that?" XDDD) and also my best friend for 3 years, so naturally, I expected her to not blab it around...
But of course, she went around and told A and R (another two of my close friends) that I cutted myself. They were shocked, thinking that I was emo and wanted to kill myself. I couldn't even explain properly; they wouldn't listen since they were busy going “Don’t do it again!”
I fully understand that they were just worried about me, but they were getting the wrong idea. I’m not emo! I’m just *cough* kind of weird *cough*. R was more considerate about my feelings; she didn't tell anyone about it. But as for A, she started a rumour that I was emo! Now nearly everyone in my class thinks I'm a depressing person who wants to die...
I have another close friend who is one of the minorities of the class who watches anime. We would normally spend lots of time talking about our favourite animes. Well, she doesn’t talk to me anymore. I think that she must have heard the stupid rumour that I was emo, and decided not to get involved with me. I can’t blame her though. If I knew someone who was cutting herself, I’d try to stay out of her way too.
Today, during a class, we were talking about the work when A said that I was scary (not out of spite).
So I was like "What? How am I scary?"
R said (in a jokingly way) "Everyone thinks you’re scary because you glare at them." (That comment made me happy actually. X3)
A then said "They think you're scary and freaky because you cut yourself with scissors."
I got confused because I didn’t tell anyone else about it, so they couldn’t have possibly known. Only S, R and A knew. I knew immediately that it must not have been S who went around telling everyone, since she never really talks to anyone apart from close friends. A then tried to blame it on R.
R was like "What! I swear that I never told anyone."
I had already known right from the beginning that it was A. She was the really chatty type. She owned up after that.
Her excuse was: "I told them because I was worried about you!"
But I highly doubted that. She never considered my feelings, and how the rest of the class would act towards me. She probably just wanted to be popular and talk about something that no one else knew about. Even if I WAS emo, she shouldn’t have told anyone else. Once we were IMing, she told me that I was like her best friend because she felt like she could trust me. Wish I could say the same for her. -_- Because of her ignorance, a friend doesn't talk to me anymore and everyone thinks I'm emo.
R then asked me if I had cutted myself more recently. I said no, and she was like "Are you sure?" I kept saying that I didn't, but she didn't seem to believe me. The conversation would just go on and on, so I gave some information. I have a bad habit of biting my fingers... Not the fingernails, but the flesh. I'm weird. sweatdrop I told them that it bleeds sometimes from being bitten too much. R was like "oh, okay." But A said "You're such a freak..." And she didn't say it in an affectionate way. It's not like I eat my entire hand. -_-
After they had told me that, I felt so depressed and was on the verge of crying. I felt really uncomfortable for the rest of the day. The worst thing was that I couldn’t talk to anyone about how I feel. I did try talking to S, who offered no sympathy at all. And I don’t really want to talk to A, and R is best friends with A. If I told my mom, she would be extremely worried about the cutting thing, as well as my dad. And I don't talk to my brother that much. I feel like I can't trust anyone anymore.
I'm not looking for advice in particular; I doubt there would be much. I just wanted to express my feelings instead of shutting it deep inside of me.
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