I'm not the best with relationships...

[Hiddochi wolf]

Heads up: This'll be kinda very long. xp

I try not to talk about my relationships with people because I know I'll end up ranting and hearing all the things I don't want to hear from others about them, but I've had a lot on my mind about it for a really long time now and I guess I need to get it out of my system...

I don't know if I should stay with my boyfriend any longer. It's been over 2 years now, and I DO love him, but I just... I don't know. I'm losing my patience with him. He's so needy, so clingy and I'm not. I'm super independent, and I'm pretty hands-off. He needs constant physical contact, he needs constant attention from me and it's wearing me down. It started off cute, especially since my ex was the total opposite of him in nearly every way, but it's like having a puppy that won't ever grow up. And he's so sensitive that any time I try to talk to him about all this, he blames himself and beats himself up over it without actually changing anything. It's like swatting the puppy after he peed on the carpet, and I feel so rotten for it every time this happens. But he won't LEARN. Our entire relationship has been constant ups and downs because of this. It's fantastic when we're on the "up" side, but a breakdown is sure to follow quickly afterward. Every single time.

There are other problems, too. Different faiths, for one thing; he's Catholic, and I'm Pagan. I don't have a single issue with his faith, but his faith dictates that he shouldn't be with any non-Catholics and if he is, then they need to convert. I won't, though. And he knows this. But if we're to have a future together someday, he wants a traditional wedding and that wouldn't be permitted by his church unless I did so. He's pretty traditional all the way around in his life goals -- he wants his own biological children with his future S.O., he wants her to share his last name, he wants to stay close to home so he can be near his parents. I'm not the least bit traditional. I don't even know if I'll ever want children at all (I know for a fact that I absolutely refuse to carry them myself, because the process of pregnancy terrifies me to the core of my being), I will not ever take on anyone else's last name even if I did get married, and I want to travel far and wide and see what else this world has to offer. His parents hate me for no valid reason, and their words are constantly putting him into a state of doubt about me. My entire family loves him and thinks we're great together. We're just so different, it's like we're two opposite halves of a whole.

But any time I think of leaving him, I just don't know if I can. I come really damn close to it. It hurts to think that we'd be in the same classes, in the same dining hall, amongst the same friend group and no longer be together. To see each other and no longer be able to say "I love you" and embrace. To pass by someone so familiar as if they're a stranger once more. But it also hurts to stay. I'm not happy, and part of me really feels like I'm wasting my time. I dread the time I spend with him lately because I resent how I have to basically be his supervisor in social situations, scolding him when he starts behaving inappropriately. Can 2 years really have been all for nothing? Or is every relationship this tough?

And I'll admit, I'm also scared of the fact that I might never find anyone else if I let him go. I've always been odd. I've never been someone that people flock to to date, I hardly get a passing glance. I'm not the best at initiating relationships, and as you all can tell by this thread, I suck at being in them, too. I don't party, and I rarely get out aside from going to class, getting food, and my occasional solitary walks. I just feel like he might be my only option, or else I'll face a long and lonely future. And that bothers me. confused

I don't know what to do anymore.  

[wolf_with_a_dragon]

Honestly, it seems like it would probably be best to split up. I don't know much about your relationship other than this and the little other tidbits I would catch in various other posts, but it doesn't sound like you guys are capable of being able to maintain a long happy relationship.

The main thing for a relationship is to be able to compromise, to be able to do what's best for the other person sometimes and not just for yourself. Your faith is a big issue, personally it's bin enough for me that I won't date somebody who isn't in my faith, or at least interested in it. There would just to many problems on too many fronts, what kind of decor would be in the house, what to do around holidays, how are we going to raise our children?

It's also a problem that you can't talk to him about his flaws without him overreacting. You need to be able to push through and work out problems you have with eachother. If all he does is beat himself up and not change, is it really worth it? Would you be able to go 30+ years of him behaving like that?

And don't worry about not being able to find somebody else. You're an amazing women, and you're also pretty cute. I'm positive there are plenty of guys out there that would kill to be able to go out on a date with you. Also, you're still young. You have plenty of time to find the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with.

So, that's what I have to say on the matter. For now anyways. Just take it for what it's worth though. Might be worth a lot, might not be worth jack. Idk. I'm not an expert on relationships. Hell, I've only been in two and they both blew up in my face.  

[Hiddochi wolf]

wolf_with_a_dragon

Honestly, it seems like it would probably be best to split up. I don't know much about your relationship other than this and the little other tidbits I would catch in various other posts, but it doesn't sound like you guys are capable of being able to maintain a long happy relationship.

The main thing for a relationship is to be able to compromise, to be able to do what's best for the other person sometimes and not just for yourself. Your faith is a big issue, personally it's bin enough for me that I won't date somebody who isn't in my faith, or at least interested in it. There would just to many problems on too many fronts, what kind of decor would be in the house, what to do around holidays, how are we going to raise our children?

It's also a problem that you can't talk to him about his flaws without him overreacting. You need to be able to push through and work out problems you have with eachother. If all he does is beat himself up and not change, is it really worth it? Would you be able to go 30+ years of him behaving like that?

And don't worry about not being able to find somebody else. You're an amazing women, and you're also pretty cute. I'm positive there are plenty of guys out there that would kill to be able to go out on a date with you. Also, you're still young. You have plenty of time to find the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with.

So, that's what I have to say on the matter. For now anyways. Just take it for what it's worth though. Might be worth a lot, might not be worth jack. Idk. I'm not an expert on relationships. Hell, I've only been in two and they both blew up in my face.

Thanks, Wolf. smile

Compromise was actually the last big conflict we had, right before we left for winter break. His mother has been planting ideas in his head that I rarely compromise because I hesitate to go with him when he invites me to things. Which isn't entirely false, but I compromise in so many other ways that both of them are too dense to realize. You know why I hesitate to go to those events? Because they're always with people I hardly know or don't like, doing activities I don't enjoy, eating food my body can't process without physically destroying itself. I went with him to his fraternity's formal last year because he really wanted to go even though I didn't, and I was in absolute hell the entire night. And they think I don't compromise? Excuse me, but those two have NO concept of how much I sacrifice every day for his sake. And I am so ******** done with his b***h of a mother and her high school games, and I wish he'd grow the balls to stand up to her for me because I am sick of not having a voice. But I know it's not my place to speak up for myself to her, so I wait and twiddle my thumbs, waiting for him to grow up. I understand why he doesn't, but if our roles were reversed, I would've confronted my parents about it long ago. The vindictive side of me really wants to stay with him just to chap her a**, because after all of the s**t she's put me through, I want her to burn in her own personal hell.

A lot of people I know have told me that our issues are likely from a lack of experience, because this is only his first relationship and my second one. And I know that some of his quirks might stem from his mild autism, so I've been extra patient and sympathetic. But even I have my limits. I know it's not right to myself to stay with him in spite of everything, but I've always had a hard time letting go. The same thing happened with my last relationship; I stayed with him for far longer than I wanted to because I feared that I might not have another chance, and it was easy enough to sacrifice my own happiness for the guise of it. I don't like saying "goodbye." It's the saddest word in human language. It makes me feel alone, and as someone who knows how painful isolation is, I don't ever want to feel that way again.  

[LatteGrande]

While I am not an expert on relationships. I can honestly say I know where you are coming from because people tend to stay with others because the fear of being alone seems worse.

It honestly will not hurt as much as a seemingly dead-end relationship. If you both end up agreeing that it can't last the way it is.

And despite what everyone thinks, there will always be someone else unless you make it to where you won't like anyone else. It is usually just all a mental block that most don't get over cause the fear is just too great.


TL biggrin R; Be honest with him and yourself. If you think it won't last, tell him how you feel. It may hurt for the time being, but in the long run it may lead to better things.

But this is from someone who has always just hit the brink of an actual relationship but was always so afraid of rejection that he backed down every time.  

[wolf_with_a_dragon]

Hiddochi wolf

wolf_with_a_dragon

Honestly, it seems like it would probably be best to split up. I don't know much about your relationship other than this and the little other tidbits I would catch in various other posts, but it doesn't sound like you guys are capable of being able to maintain a long happy relationship.

The main thing for a relationship is to be able to compromise, to be able to do what's best for the other person sometimes and not just for yourself. Your faith is a big issue, personally it's bin enough for me that I won't date somebody who isn't in my faith, or at least interested in it. There would just to many problems on too many fronts, what kind of decor would be in the house, what to do around holidays, how are we going to raise our children?

It's also a problem that you can't talk to him about his flaws without him overreacting. You need to be able to push through and work out problems you have with eachother. If all he does is beat himself up and not change, is it really worth it? Would you be able to go 30+ years of him behaving like that?

And don't worry about not being able to find somebody else. You're an amazing women, and you're also pretty cute. I'm positive there are plenty of guys out there that would kill to be able to go out on a date with you. Also, you're still young. You have plenty of time to find the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with.

So, that's what I have to say on the matter. For now anyways. Just take it for what it's worth though. Might be worth a lot, might not be worth jack. Idk. I'm not an expert on relationships. Hell, I've only been in two and they both blew up in my face.

Thanks, Wolf. smile

Compromise was actually the last big conflict we had, right before we left for winter break. His mother has been planting ideas in his head that I rarely compromise because I hesitate to go with him when he invites me to things. Which isn't entirely false, but I compromise in so many other ways that both of them are too dense to realize. You know why I hesitate to go to those events? Because they're always with people I hardly know or don't like, doing activities I don't enjoy, eating food my body can't process without physically destroying itself. I went with him to his fraternity's formal last year because he really wanted to go even though I didn't, and I was in absolute hell the entire night. And they think I don't compromise? Excuse me, but those two have NO concept of how much I sacrifice every day for his sake. And I am so ******** done with his b***h of a mother and her high school games, and I wish he'd grow the balls to stand up to her for me because I am sick of not having a voice. But I know it's not my place to speak up for myself to her, so I wait and twiddle my thumbs, waiting for him to grow up. I understand why he doesn't, but if our roles were reversed, I would've confronted my parents about it long ago. The vindictive side of me really wants to stay with him just to chap her a**, because after all of the s**t she's put me through, I want her to burn in her own personal hell.

A lot of people I know have told me that our issues are likely from a lack of experience, because this is only his first relationship and my second one. And I know that some of his quirks might stem from his mild autism, so I've been extra patient and sympathetic. But even I have my limits. I know it's not right to myself to stay with him in spite of everything, but I've always had a hard time letting go. The same thing happened with my last relationship; I stayed with him for far longer than I wanted to because I feared that I might not have another chance, and it was easy enough to sacrifice my own happiness for the guise of it. I don't like saying "goodbye." It's the saddest word in human language. It makes me feel alone, and as someone who knows how painful isolation is, I don't ever want to feel that way again.

Some people are idiots that don't realize how much people are willing to give for them. If he can't see and appreciate all that you're doing for him, he's not worth it in my opinion. He needs to recognize that you do compromise, but that sometimes he does too and that it can't always be what he wants. Last relationship I was in, we both gave a lot for each other. I gave a lot for her, put myself in situations I hate being in. Made myself go and meet her family, even when I spend time avoiding my own, because I know she's big on family and I wanted them to like me and if things had worked out I would probably spend time with them. And she gave up a lot of opportunities to be with me, even after I told her not to and that I'm not worth her future. Made it hurt that much more when it turned out she was married and she supposedly didn't know. Amyways, I'm getting off track now. Compromise is big and he needs to recognize when you're doing it and he needs to realize he needs to give up some things as well.

And he's not worth your happiness. Don't be one of those people who sacrifice their happiness because they feel they can't do any better, please. I know too many people who do that. I don't want you to be another person on that list. If he doesn't make you happy it's best if you leave him, for both of you. It's going to hurt at first. I wish I could say it wouldn't and that it would be easy, but it will and it isn't. But, again, you're an amazing woman and any guy would he lucky to have you. You just have to be willing to let go of the guy you're with and go look for the guy that will love you and make you happy. Don't be like me, don't be so unwilling to let go of the past you aren't accepting to accept another future that could potentially make you happier.  

[SilentShadowDreamer]

God knows I don't know much about relationships, so I hesitate to say anything one way or the other that's too definitive, especially since I don't know him (or you, really) and we haven't seen you guys as you are together. But I am going to say a couple of things I wish someone had said to me when I started dating.

You say it's been two years. Imagine for a second that the entire rest of your relationship is going to be just like this. It will never get worse, but it will never get better. Can you live like this for five more years? Ten? Twenty?

Is he helping you work on relationship issues or are you doing all the emotional labour yourself? Can you talk to him openly and honestly when there are problems; can he talk to you the same way? From what you've described, it kind of sounds like you can't say anything negative, even if it's something that's actually hurting the relationship and is (relatively) easily fixed. Again, in five, ten, twenty years, are you still going to be willing to put up with this?

If he's allowing his family to s**t-talk you now, if he's not standing up for you now, if you already feel that you have no voice in his family, how much worse is it going to be if you get married? If you decide to adopt children or have one through a surrogate (since you say you don't want to birth any of your own)? If he wants to make a life with you, you should be his priority when it comes to big decisions like this, and he should not be allowing his family to treat you badly. And you've already stated that there are places where the two of you are not compatible: marriage, children, life goals. These are really big issues, and several of them are yes/no issues where there can be no compromise.

As far as what people are telling you about the lack of experience, um, bzuh? You do not need to be experienced to know that you are or aren't happy. From what you're describing, it sounds like you are doing all the right things: reaching out about relationship issues, trying to compromise where you can, being honest and realistic. If there are still problems, they are not due to your lack of relationship experience.

Only you can decide what you want, obviously, and I hope the best for you no matter what you decide! Just remember that you deserve to be happy, whether that's with this partner or not, and if you aren't happy, that is a good enough reason to go. Love takes work, but it's not supposed to be nothing but backbreaking labour, right? You don't have to stay because you've had two years with him. You don't have to stay because he loves you. You don't have to stay because your family likes him. You don't even have to stay because you love him. You don't have to have a reason to say that you're done, except that this relationship is no longer making your life deeper and richer and better for the experience.

Good luck! Wishing you the best.  

[cool4]

I deal with the Catholic and not Catholic thing.


There's things about his faith he'll have to reconcile, the same way there exist some things you'll have reconcile if it's going to work. For him Catholic marriage is all about building families. I'm three years in and we still work out conflicts of faith. Though our long term goals often align. If his family is Catholic as well, they probably have the expectations he will be with someone Catholic, it makes a lot of things easier. If you have more questions I'll answer them in messages.


The questions to ask, What are your long term goals? What aspects of your life are you willing to give up/compromise on for another person and vice versa? Are you looking for stability, or adventure?

He'll be a fairly stable match long term, but from what you seem to be describing it's not what you're looking for right now, and maybe not in the next 5-10 years.

Because you're thinking about it, you've written quite a bit about the problems, but nothing about what's going well, thus deciding if you should end it our not isn't an easy answer.  

[Hiddochi wolf]

Thanks for the replies, everybody.

It's not that I'm unhappy with him all the time, unlike my bitchfest from last night implies. ( sweatdrop ) He takes care of me when I'm sick. He nerds out with me for hours on end without judgement. He tries to protect me when he can (or when I let him). He accepts all of my little oddities that I know others would criticize me for. If I tell him I need to see him, 9/10 times he'll come to me, even if we're an hour or so apart. He's conscientious about my food allergies. He remembers all of the little romantic details, like where in the cafeteria we sat on our first Valentine's Day together. He does everything to try to make me happy, even if he doesn't always succeed.

But I'm tired of having to constantly teach him how to behave in public when we're together. It's embarrassing being constantly called out about PDA because he doesn't understand that it's not okay to make out in the hallway, and it's frustrating when he still doesn't understand after the 20th time I've explained it. I'm tired of being weighed down by all of the times he's feeling down due to drama in his family and his classes, even though I've told him a million times how to deal with his stress himself. I'm sick of always hearing his friends tell him "You're one lucky b*****d" about dating me, but never hearing that same thing about him from my friends. And no matter how many times I try to get over it, I'm still bitter over the fact that he wasn't there on the night of my TEDx Talk. The ONE night I needed him, he wasn't there because he had a tutoring appointment. I get that he was busy. I understand that, but if he was the one presenting on stage that night, I would've cancelled my session and been there for him. My sorority sisters fought tooth and nail to make sure they got tickets to attend that night. So why couldn't he?

I just don't know what I want anymore. Or rather, I DO know, but it's impossible. I don't want to lose him, but I also want freedom and the ability to date others. But I can't have both, and I don't know if I'm strong enough to make that choice right now. I haven't been single since my sophomore year of high school, and the idea of that freedom is both enticing and terrifying.  

[wolf_with_a_dragon]

Hiddochi wolf

Thanks for the replies, everybody.

It's not that I'm unhappy with him all the time, unlike my bitchfest from last night implies. ( sweatdrop ) He takes care of me when I'm sick. He nerds out with me for hours on end without judgement. He tries to protect me when he can (or when I let him). He accepts all of my little oddities that I know others would criticize me for. If I tell him I need to see him, 9/10 times he'll come to me, even if we're an hour or so apart. He's conscientious about my food allergies. He remembers all of the little romantic details, like where in the cafeteria we sat on our first Valentine's Day together. He does everything to try to make me happy, even if he doesn't always succeed.

But I'm tired of having to constantly teach him how to behave in public when we're together. It's embarrassing being constantly called out about PDA because he doesn't understand that it's not okay to make out in the hallway, and it's frustrating when he still doesn't understand after the 20th time I've explained it. I'm tired of being weighed down by all of the times he's feeling down due to drama in his family and his classes, even though I've told him a million times how to deal with his stress himself. I'm sick of always hearing his friends tell him "You're one lucky b*****d" about dating me, but never hearing that same thing about him from my friends. And no matter how many times I try to get over it, I'm still bitter over the fact that he wasn't there on the night of my TEDx Talk. The ONE night I needed him, he wasn't there because he had a tutoring appointment. I get that he was busy. I understand that, but if he was the one presenting on stage that night, I would've cancelled my session and been there for him. My sorority sisters fought tooth and nail to make sure they got tickets to attend that night. So why couldn't he?

I just don't know what I want anymore. Or rather, I DO know, but it's impossible. I don't want to lose him, but I also want freedom and the ability to date others. But I can't have both, and I don't know if I'm strong enough to make that choice right now. I haven't been single since my sophomore year of high school, and the idea of that freedom is both enticing and terrifying.

It's a tough decision. It's definitely not one to take lightly. Make sure that what you're doing is the right thing. And if you ever need someone to talk to you could always message me, hell I'll even give you my number so you can call if you want. I consider you family Hiddochi, and I just want you to know I'm here for you.  

[Different...Very.]

If you're independent and hands off, why is being single for a while a problem? No problems jumping off of a sinking Titanic if you've already crafted a life raft.

If you want to grow, and he's stunting you, or you're stunting him rather, it may be time for an ultimatum or a break. A hiatus to see if he'll get himself together apart from you. Seems it's always in the hands of the strong to do the dirty work. I dated a clingy boyfriend who seemed like he hating himself for dating me. After two years, I couldn't take his self-loathing anymore. I cried for hours about it, and four years later, I still check up on him, but it was better for us both that we separated.  

[Zphal]

Wow, what a New Years topic. >__>;;

I'm honestly not quite sure where I stand provided the information you have provided here. But since everyone else seems to be on the side of you two breaking up, I'll offer up advice on sticking together. But I am someone who is splitting after TEN years with another person. That being said, please understand that I do not in the slightest regret ANY of those ten years. I enjoyed them (with all their ups and downs).

Since you don't sound entirely convinced yourself on what you should do, I first suggest giving things a little longer. Cuz ultimately, what's another year of genuinely being a part of one anothers' lives? "Losing" another year wouldn't be that big of deal from my perspective (Being nearly 30, I view things a touch more drawn out at this point #fogey).

Now, as for some tangible advice: buy this book and both of you read it: http://www.amazon.com/The-Love-Languages-Secret-Lasts/dp/080241270X

I know you'll appreciate it for the formulaic nature it has to taking steps to improving a romantic relationship. You can learn more about it before you buy it here if you like: http://www.5lovelanguages.com