The Adventure of Three-Eyed Fred:
Chapter 1:FredBertDrifZanseSparda
Chapter 1:FredBertDrifZanseSparda
There once was a man named Fred,
Who had three eyes in his head;
And he owned a dog named Bert,
With nine tails who loved to hurt.
They both lived in a town
Called Chempetzembo Down;
Bert ate people’s shorts,
And stole liverwurst,
And soon everyone wished he were dead—
Everyone, that is, except Fred.
Now Chempetzembo Down was a very strange town,
And true, they knew what comes up must come down,
What they really wanted to know,
Though,
Was the value of pi without round.
They then gave Fred a simple spiel:
With Bert’s vi’lent tendencies they would deal,
If only Fred would find
The true meaning of pi,
But if he didn’t they’d hurt Bert a way he wouldn’t heal.
So Fred of course accepted,
And saying “So long” for now to the Chempetzmids—
That is, the town’s folk—
He set off on his long journey,
Though some supposed it a joke.
So then Fred set out to find the meaning of pi.
He first asked a child, who in turn asked him why.
He explained to the child that he needed to know
To satisfy the people Down in Chempetzembo.
The child said “Three-point something is all that I know,
But you might want to ask my dad, Mr. LoGo.”
Fred sought Mr. LoGo
To see what he might know,
But found he was busy in a movie studio.
So he decided instead
To seek people out
Who might know just what
Pi was all about.
He was told to see the mathematician and instrumentalist Drif,
An expert of numbers, and also guitar riffs.
Fred managed to find him
After not very long,
And then waited for Drif
To finish playing a song.
Then he asked Drif his question,
“What is pi?” he said,
But then old-young Drif
Gave an answer to dread:
“Though many have ventured
To find pi’s full amount,
It cannot be done,
Its an irrational route.
Instead I’d recommend
Just using an estimation,
Such as 3.14
Or the calculator’s summation.”
Some of this talk Fred did not understand,
But he understood this, and this he couldn’t stand:
Pi was unfindable,
Or at least its true amount;
And, he decided, unseekable,
So he headed home with no mount.
But on his way he was approached by a man.
The man was a werewolf, or so it would seem,
For he had the biggest ears and teeth that you’ve never seen!
His eyes were amber and his hair was dark,
And when he approached Fred it was long before the singing of the lark.
This beastly man, or this manly beast—whatever he was—he said,
“Fred, what is it you seek?”
Fred answered bitterly, “The meaning of pi.”
And the main-thing responded, “Well, Fred, Why?”
“The folks of my town,
Chempetzembo Down,
Won’t forgive my dog,
Without such a log.
And I love my dog Bert,
So I would hate to see him hurt,
But they don’t like him too much.
They agreed to tolerate him if and only if
I bring them the full value of pi, but ‘that’s impossible’ says Drif.”
The Lycan listened to what he had to say,
And wasn’t about to explain it away.
He then said,
“Fred,
O Fred,
O Fred,
What you really need
Is a pie of smartseed,
And that should clear your head.
And once it is clear,
You can see how to steer
The citizens’ wrath which you dread.
“And just where do I get
This pie of sweetseed,”
Asked Fred,
“Of which a piece do I so badly need?”
Of course Fred was skeptical,
But also desperate to save his poor Bert;
And other than that
Werewolves rarely lie;
No, it’s werefoxes to beware,
When their well has run dry.
And now the werewolf responded,
“I had some once but it was absconded
By Sparda, a Spartan,
And not the Greek kind.”
“So that’s what it is then,”
Said Fred,
“If I help get it back,
Then you’ll give me what I need of it
In some sort of sack?”
“Well of course,”
Said the Lycan,
“If a sack’s what you wish.
After all, smartseed pie’s
An immaculate dish.”
So now the two were on their way,
And they’d be together for many a day,
But until the time that we shall meet again,
This in the story’s where I leave you, friend.
