Welcome to Gaia! ::

Title is self explanitory, right? I'll assume anyone reading this has some idea as to what i'll be talking about.

(Fyi; yes this goes off track sometimes. YES, it starts with some backstory. Why? Well, if you don't know much about the problem, how could you help effectively? )
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For the majority of my life thus far, i've yet to feel "love" for anyone or anything. I find it hard to even remotely care for someone. Why? I really don't know. It's rare for me to even show anger, hatred, or pain. I' just put on my smiling, nonchalant mask and nobody can see that i'm just hiding.

People cannot seem to understand that there ARE some of us that aren't attracted to either gender. They can't understand that some people just aren't all that thrilled at the concept of sex, heck, even lesser acts. They expect me to give and give and give--all sorts of things, and they feel that they wouldn't need to pay me back. They assume that because I take either a pessimisstic(Spelling error!) or neutral view on everything; that I shoudn't be listened to. Not everything is sunshine-and-daisies. Some things just need to be taken at face-value, and you know what? Sometimes the truth stings.

Nobody wants to be around someone that can barely feel, right? They'd much rather befriend someone caring, generous, and optimistic, right?

When I was in school(NO, I didn't drop out. Don't jump to conclusions.), and I KNOW this will sound cliche..I was always treated like I was less than dirt.

Like I was somehow inferior, something insignificant and unworthy of acknowledgement, praise, or affection. People stole from me, berated me infront of crowds, and beat me bloody--just because I wouldn't respond how they wanted me to. I don't know HOW to interact with people-I still don't know how.

Some of them would go so far as to make-nice with me, why? They wanted to mess with me. Why? It's FUN.
It's FUN to screw with people's emotions, to tell them you love them and then turn around and laugh behind their back. To make a complete mockery of that person. I was used because I was naive.

I still don't show anything other than a blank face infront of other people; and surprise surprise--All those that hurt me only helped me build the brick wall higher. Now, most people just give up on befriending me when they realize..."Theres something wrong here". They don't bother trying to dig deeper or, heaven forbid, 'knock down the walls'.

So, with that backstory..
(Thats the shortened version, mind.)

Is it natural for me to be afraid of people? For fear of getting hurt or abandoned all over again? Because I never want to go through that again, so I may as well avoid contact?

Or..

Is it 'selfish' and idiotic? Should I give people a chance, again? Should I just be way more careful?

So, I'll ask you lot..

What do YOU suggest I do about this problem of mine? What do you think I could do to help myself get over this apathetic mindset?

Ah! finally someone who understands at last! I myself confront this issue constantly! every day of my life confronted with people only as intellegent as watermelons at the least! schools are surrounded with them and what happens when we dont like it? they FORCE us to go! it's nice that you feel the same way as hundreds possibly MILLIONS are feeling. I think that Apathy is the only thing that keeps most of us from going the extra distance and killing them people who do this to us! I cant blame you for feeling like that and I most certainly do not judge you for feeling like you do! I dont ever know a day where a I feel not one day AT LEAST where I can go without dreaming of their demise... I might sound a little scary but life is not always a pretty face in the morning. But I give my credit to the source which keeps me somewhat sane: The little pleasures in life you can find in the corners of anywhere and everywhere. I like the fact that there are more people like us on the internet than on the street, and that those people who hurt us outside are powerless here! these are only letters that move to us users will! but thats not all. All you have to do is survive past the nasty bites of life and look for the things which makes this life matter.... so just ignore those people and find things which make you happy.

There probably is one thing you care about, but you wont realize it till its gone. I saw it in a movie once with a guy just like you. There was a women who opened all her feelings to him and he conciously manuvered her emotions without even showing any himself. She lost her mind a little in the movie cause of that, but anyway u shouldnt stop giving life a chance...because the leaves on the tree are not all the same color. wink