My Bleach Fanfiction ( read or die and be yelled at)

[Chibi Samurai12]

yup im a young freakin author...seriously im only 12....
rating: if you can handle minor language you can read....
this is only the first chapter...

Rukia Kuchiki was not afraid of anything. She fought hollows everyday and dosent even flinch at the sight of a tarantula. She was sound asleep in Ichigo’s closet when suddenly she woke up feeling uneasy. She shooed it off and went back to sleep.

____________________________________________________

Meanwhile at a faraway place in the soul society, Renji was concocting up a smelly green potion. “ Once Rukia is afraid of everything she will cling to me for support.” Renji fantasized of Rukia clinging to him and Ichigo sulking in a corner.

Renji added the last of the ingredients and then chanted unfamiliar words. The foul liquid floated above the coffin and floated off into the distance, defying the laws of physics. The foul liquid floated above a sleeping Rukia and turned to dust. It landed on Rukia and dissolved into her skin. The stinging pain awoke Rukia with a start. Then she saw it. A black and hairy 4 legged freak. Rukia screamed and charged out the closet. She fell on Cone and awoke Ichigo with a start.

“ Rukia, what the hell!?” Ichigo exclaimed. “ S-sp-sp SPIDER!!!” Rukia yelled. “ Rukia shutup, you’ll wake the whole house. “ It was a spider! Ichigo kill it!” Rukia whimpered. “ Since when are you afraid of spiders!?” Ichigo asked. “ ICHIGO TURN THAT DAMN T.V. DOWN!” yelled Ichigo’s father. “ Sorry dad!” Ichigo lied.

Rukia stayed back, hugging Kon to her chest. “ Its my lucky day!” said Kon. Ichigo expected the spider to be big and poisonous. It was a thumb sized cricket actually. Ichigo killed the bug and threw it in the trash. Ichigo turned to Rukia, ready to yell at her. But her eyes were big and full of fear. She looked so adorable to Ichigo. “ Ichigo can I sleep with you just for tonight?” asked a fearful Rukia. “WHAT!?” Ichigo half yelled. “ Please?” Rukia begged. “ Fine okay!” said Ichigo. His face was red as tomato soup. “ THANK YOU ICHIGO!” Rukia tackle glomped Ichigo and crawled into bed.

“Good night.” Ichigo said but Rukia was fast asleep. “ She’s asleep so….” Ichigo leaned in and gave Rukia a good night kiss on the forehead. Ichigo turned over and Rukia smiled.


fluffiest f-ing thing i eva wrote  

[Ryougi Yasumaru]

 

[Chibi Samurai12]

oh fine then scream .................  

[Saikii]

Itacha-Kimoji

rofl  

[Ryougi Yasumaru]

Saikii

Itacha-Kimoji

rofl

The Renji says pictures are now my trademark.
 

[Saikii]

Itacha-Kimoji

Saikii

Itacha-Kimoji

rofl

The Renji says pictures are now my trademark.

I think Slaughter would like that one. It`s so DOOMY. xd  

[Ryougi Yasumaru]

I bet he would lol.  

[Son of the Patriots]

I bet he'd say something along the lines of thats so DOOMY I just Luff it. Or something like that maybe, IDK.  

[Chibi Samurai12]

and here i thought you all had something to say about my story scream .aint this a b***h.....

renji sucks  

[Saikii]

*Tsk tsk*  

[Chibi Samurai12]

Saikii

*Tsk tsk*

o so it sucked scream be nice im only 12 crying

i am a bleach obsessed otaku  

[poseidons_daughter_cara]

Interesting story. Pretty advanced for a 12 years old.  

[GigglyGal]

When you've got conversation going on, you don't need to have a verb with each (no "x" said 1, "y" lied 2 "x!" exclained 1 and all that) You can just write as follows

"It's okay." smiled gigglygal
"Thanks, but I wanted a more positive response." sniffed chibi saurai, hurt.
"Surely you'd prefer me to be truthful?"
"Mmm. I suppose so."  

[~B~Discrete~]

It doesn't do it for me. There's just to much it did this in a matter of seconds, you could have described the characters' actions alot better. Your writing lacks interest, you're just describing what they do in the vaguest of senses. "Rukia hugged kon to her chest." Blah.....You could have said something along the lines of. "Rukia pulled Kon out from underneath her and held him tightly againstt her in a most unbecoming way. Despite the fact that she was damn near sqeezing the life from him, Kon had to admit that he hadn't hated this little outburst in the least since it had resulted in her holding him so tightly to her bosom. A place that he had only dreamed of being close to." Much for fun and suggestive. One more thing, if your going to write and expect to be critiqued don't hide behind your age because at 12 you should be able to form at least half decent sentences. I'd stop slacking in class mate, those English teachers aren't as full of it as you think.  

[Wiiki]

thats good xd