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Blah. To continue off of last entry. (Contains emoness.) |
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Ignoring every
t e m p t a t i o n...
Brother came back last night because he didn't have a place to sleep (Of course) and is here at the moment, gathering his stuff like he actually is going to move out. Except he has no where to go, no job, and not very much money in his bank account. ********. Said something to Mom that insinuated that he thought she loved me more than him. Times like these I wish I didn't exist. I would never commit suicide, but if I had never been born that would solve that little problem, wouldn't it? But, whatever. S'not like it matters anyway....
More extreme apathy. When I go to practice piano all I want to do is fall over limp and lay on the ground. But I won't. School, as expected, cheered me up because of my wonderful friends but of course it doesn't last. Although I certainly don't want to be around at the house, I'm thankful it's Friday. I wouldn't want to do another day at school yet I love the protective bubble it provides. And my friends. My oh-so-wonderful friends.
So yeah, I'm depressed. But I won't do anything drastic, so for those of you who worry about such don't. If anyone does. I love my family too much to do anything that would make them sad. Except possibly telling them that I reaaallly don't like staying at my house.
Did I mention I'm feeling incredibly apathetic? I just want to lay down on my bed on go to sleep. But of course, I'm not tired so I can't go to sleep. Yesterday a mid-day nap would have been wonderful, for it would have been better being unconscious than conscious. More MPD-ness. "Gah, my life sucks. What's going on at my house really sucks, I shouldn't have to deal with this." "Get over yourself. It could be worse. Would you prefer having no friends, one parent, and life in a poor house?" "My situation still sucks." Etcetera, etcetera...
In case you haven't noticed, I'm purposely being somewhat vague about specifics. I don't want to mention the specifics in real life or on the internet. Hopeful I won't have to.
To be honest, I'm sort of scared of the future. No, strike that. I'm scared of the present. I'm scared of what is going on right now. I want the future to come. I wish I was a T.V. character and we could do a fast-forward. Oh, that reminds me.
As things get more depression for me, I lean more towards one of my theories of life that I have. The theory goes as such: My current life doesn't actually exist. I created a computer simulation to entertain myself and keep myself from being bored. I entered my own consciousness into the program that I created for myself, and am now living a fake life. None of my friends or family actually exist. They are just programs I created. All events are pre-planned. Evidence that supports this theory is the fact that for the longest time, I often have a lot of deja vu, and I remember doing something before, only in a dream. If I planned the events, I would have subconscious knowledge of them. Now, I don't strictly adhere to this theory, but I believe it is possible. After all, you wouldn't tell me if you're just a computer simulation. I often times kick the ground or feel random objects around me in the half-hearted attempt that I'll find a glitch in the system and I can get free.
Yeah, right about now you're probably thinking I'm a lunatic. Well, whatever.
Best of fortune to you, and I hope your life is faring better than mine...
Only to destroy my sanity
 dalia salvd · Sat Aug 16, 2008 @ 12:44am · 0 Comments |
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