I don't really feel much like writting so I won't do alot today, but I felt it's been a while so I should write....something. I'm slipping into depression and I just don't understand why. Maybe cause I've been really ignored and left out lately. Jenny and Kristin are kinda leaving me out, so are Nicole and Julia, even Savvi is too busy talking to Adam. My mom is preoccupied with the wedding and Dan and my brothers.....I don't know if them ignoring me is a good thing or a bad thing....It doesn't really matter I've had to be alone before. I think it might have alot to do with the weather. I've never been depressed in the winter before and it's so close I should be feeling the pick me up soon right? But even the weather is seeming to rebel against me. It refuses to get cold it's like less than two months from christmas and it's still up in the uppper 60's. I'm starting my old habit of talking to myself. I told myself to answer the stupid question and then said yes and then said thank you and then....your welcome....it passes time I guess. Sometimes I really feel alone but at the same time wish I was more alone. I don't like doing things half way. I either want to have company or I want to be far away from everyone I know. When I go to work and walk past the window on the forth floor I can see the sun setting behind the river. It's so beautiful I just want to stare at it but then I'd be late so I can't. I was thinking maybe I should drive down to the river sometime and watch the sunset all by myself, it would help me I think. It would make me feel more at peace with myself, I just don't have the time to do it. I have so much work to do and if I'm not working I'm helping the boys with homework or something. I don't have time to go do anything becasue I'm stuck at home babysitting. This isn't what I want to remember my life being like when I'm older. Just a normal life of school, work and watching my brothers. Mom says I should live my life and have fun while I still have the chance becasue when I'm older and have to support myself I won't have time to do anything I want to do, but if that's what growing up is then maybe I'm already grown up. People are always saying that it only gets worse that the older you are the harder it is to have fun and the more stressful your life will be because you will have more resposibiliy. Maybe that's why, I don't want to grow up. I made a fantesy character who is fairly young and acts very childish and she is not so intelligent either, she is low class and not nessisarily the prettiest thing you've ever seen either, I did this unintentionally but perhaps it means that I want to be able to be like that. People won't exect so much from someone like that. She can't help the way she acts and so she is allowed to act that way. I can help the way I act though, to a certain extent anyway. I have people who exect me to get good grades and do a good job and work and clean the house every once in a while and watch my brothers to make sure they don't kill each other and they do their homework right. I have people who depend on me for rides to and from school, and so on, and when I'm too tired and just can do it I dissapiont them. It's the worst feeling in the world to dissapiont someone you care for, even for the smallest thing. My worst trait is my jealousy and to counter this I have very strong guilt to keep me from steeling or hurting someone. I've been thinking alot lately, but what I need to do is get my head out of the clouds and focuse on the real world for once. *sigh* I said I wasn't gonna write much but I guess I had more to say then I thought now it's time to go to my other school and I didn't finish the program I was working on cause I was too busy talking to myself in an electronic journal......I gotta go. Write ya some other time.
 HanaJaganshi · Tue Nov 16, 2004 @ 03:54pm · 1 Comments |
