<vent>
I talked to someone late last night. someone who's very dear to me. someone who I admire and have even come to love. but it turned out I was a fool, a stupid fool who never really had what he's always wanted and needed and, I suppose, what most others take for granted. I foolishly believed she held the same feelings as I, but after we said good night and I stupidly said "I love you," I wondered why she was still on, and she said she was saying good night to "watashi no suki na hito," the one she really loves. I told her I would be alright so she would sleep well. I thought I would be, but I was wrong. when I knew I wouldn't be alright, I tried to cry, to let out the pain but it felt like an eternity until I did. now I can't stop crying, and I can't sleep. I don't want to sleep
it was raining outside. fiercely. it felt like the sky was crying with me.
why do I do this to myself? I've gone through it before. why can't I learn? what is it about me that insists on chasing something that's always been out of reach? as much as I want to be content, I can't do it. it saddens me. it disgusts me. I hate it.
I survived a bleeding brain at birth. I survived a car accident which should've left me dead. and for what? so I can continue experiencing this pain? meeting someone who I wonder could be the love of my life? sometimes I wish I hadn't survived and I had just gone Home. I feel like I'm in a lab and I'm the rat in the maze
I keep wishing all this was a nightmare, a horrible nightmare that I can wake up from and my life would be as everyone else's. but it's not. it just feels like one big, awfully sick joke, and somebody's ripped out my heart, laughing and spitting on it all the while
I thought this Christmas would be the best for me. I'd said I would make her something special. now just thinking about it makes me feel ashamed that I let myself fall into the same trap I so desperately want to escape. it just feels empty now
please understand, Grace. I do truly love you and I always will. I just couldn't keep all this pain bottled up, even to save your heart
should anybody read this, no comments, please. I'm simply not in the mood
Meibatsu Community Member 
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