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well for some reason I am going to type and about somethings to just get them out of my head....there is no perpose for this entry...but to clear my head and make space lol.

Why is that at times you just cant help but think back at your life and say "why did i let that happen?" or "i could have pervented that ....stoped that from going on." i have so many memories that i want to forget but i cant allow my self to because it was -i feel- my fault. I have kept this all inside and now its time to let it out before i crack...which at times i feel like i should but i just cant...i feel like if i do crack...something worse will happen..my ghost that has been haunting me for the rest of my life will one again show him self and hurt me or worse....distroy my soul and mind. I am not really ready to tell you all about what has happened in my life but lets just say that i have been abused by one who was to be my step-father. I should have stopped it there...but i didnt and i let it get worse. One day i dont know why but he freaked out because i left my shoes in the living room. No big deal...everone does that right? ((well i am now afraid of leaving my shoes anywhere but my room)) he threw one shoe into my room and as i went to pick it up...((and mind you..that he saw me there)) chunked the other shoe into my room hiting me on the side of the face. Who cares right..just a shoe ..well it never affected me before untill recently...nothing is right anymore..i fear people touching me. if you make one move and i only catch the movement from the conor of my eye..i duck as if its going ot connect to face any momemt. man or woman...trusted friend or even family......i hated it they hold me around my waist...hold me down by my shoulders ....i fight back as if its him whos doing it...it hurts..when i have to make up excuses as to why im fighting them....and sometimes..it even scares me.

and right now your all prob thinking..hey your Melwasul..you threaten people all the time you fight back...and all that,...thats not the real me...yea i can defend myself..but im not as tough as i act...but how tough my mind it..((if that made any sence)) but i have lost somewhat all compassion and mercry....i hardly smile and laugh....anymore well untill someone came into my life..i think he knows who he is..and there are no words to what i can say to him. he has helped me so much that i will always be in his dept. thank you so much..iou so much that you will never understan well i must go..