Hehehehe...Hahaha...AHAHAHAHAHA!
I am so pissed off right now. Hehe...I'm shaking and if my face was tear streeked any more I'd be wrinkly!
Hehehe...
Earlier, my mom asked me if I wanted to go to the store with her. I of course was estatic. I love getting out of the house and yes I'm that desperate to see life out of my house.
A little while later I get on here and see that I have mail. Hehe...
Turns out it's from Tam. 'Yay!' right? Most of the time. Except this time it's titled 'Justin got jumped'. Oh goodie. I open it up and tadaa he got jumped on saturday. On my birthday. Right after we all split up to go home. That makes me feel great! Just peachy! stare I of course choked back the huge lump that formed in my throat when I read 'brass knuckles' and grabbed the phone. Nicky would have no way of knowing so I called her and told her, straining to keep from sobbing my eyes out.
Nicky made me feel ok for a bit untill my mom made me clean the kitchn and all I could think about was the news. No phone to distract me means my body was shaking violently trying with no success to hold back the misery inside.
All I could think of was brass knuckles and Justins thin frame. His horrible cough and weak chest. His beautiful eyes stubborn, angry and pain stricken. Having had enough horrible visions I crawled into my room and into bed. Sleep. Sleep would make me feel better. Heh, if only I'd gotten there.
My mom called out for me and makes me go to her. She asks if I was finished with the kitchen witch of course I wasn't. My face was blank. So she sighed and rolled her eyes a bit. I could feel the heat of anger coming from her.
"Why not? I told you this morning to clean the kitchen and then again just a little while ago. Why can't you do things the first time I ask you? Is it too much to ask you to do the dishes? All you ever think about is you, you, you. We let you go out on your birthday. We let you have fun. All you do is want everthing and change your mind. Earlier you were like 'oh! I wanna go to the store!" and now you're acting all ugly. You're just like Ed. You get an e-mail, your friend got jumped, you call nicky and then you're all huffy. Why?"
I turned and walked away. Burning tears of anger eating at my delicate flesh already soaked. How dare she. How dare she. How the hell can she say it like its nothing? She doesn't know Justin! She doesn't know anything. Why must she compare me to the thing I don't want to be like the most? Why can't I ever be unhappy? When ever I'm unhappy people get mad. I'm wrong. I can't be unhappy because my reasons are wrong. I can't be unhappy, I can't put things off for a day, I can't do anything right!
Do you know how much energy it takes to act like I'm happy all of the time? Do you know how it feels to have everyone expecting you to be the happy solution? Do you? I didn't think so...hehehe
She came over and asked me "Whats wrong?" Like nothing happened. Hehehe... Nothings wrong...nothing at all. I'm happy. Teehee. I'm so ******** happy. I'm laughing damnit! I'm happy! Teehee....
Sometimes I want to hurt someone. Someone who deserves hurt but isn't getting it. I want to choke them to death. I want to see their eyes dim as their life escapes them. I want to see them hate me. Afraid of me. I want them to be confused about the hurt in my eyes. I want to laugh as they think it a crazed look of a killer.... hehe Unfourtunatly I can't. It's unthinkable. I'm always good. I'm always happy. I'm always smiling.
I hate smiling.
 Ookibuns · Tue Jan 18, 2005 @ 12:24am · 1 Comments |
