ok, i really love him. i have been so weird lately though. i haven't been feeling so good god i feel like utter s**t i was such a b***h to him the past few nights i hope he forgives me i mean i am doubting his love for me even though i know he does he cares for me more then anyone has but lately my mind has been so cluddered i want to tell him what i am feeling but instead i hide away like a little child who done wrong i do not want this tonight was very unusual i was really happy then something in my head triggered i felt nothing but hate i wanted to stab people i couldnt tell why because i didnt know he doesnt understand that but then i got really depressed i started to fall into a darkness i didnt feel like myself. i do not remember much of what happened it is all mostly a blur to me i do know that i hung up on him i didnt mean to! after i did i hoped and prayed that he would call back i hung up on him at 10-30pm it is now a little after 12am and yet i am still waiting still clutching my phone in desperation i tried calling back to say sorry there was no ring too scared to leave a message i then became so hateful towards myself that i even bitched him out for no reason on the comp in an offline i think i am going to advoid the comp for a while i mean i havent really been on lately sleep that is all i do i am turning into what i was 2yrs ago again i dont want this he doesnt need this i still think he made the wrong choice no matter what he says i no he is jealous over her new boyfriend i think he does this as sympathy i dont want to let him go but if this keeps up i am afraid i might have to before things get out of hand i dont care what happens to me i really want him happy damn i am pathetic but i need this he never cries! ever! and yet, for the past week, he has cried and because of me i cry he cries were is there a connection? i cannot wait till april maybe i need a week off from this shithole of a school maybe i need to get away from it all i dont want to talk to him for a while i am afraid i might go hay-wire again i have been having breakdowns in school also i have been dealing with really bad stomache and head pains but of course no one but him cares he cares for me so much and all i do is hurt! i wish this would all change i am hoping no i am for once praying that things go better if i lose him ill be shattered i am terrified that i will i keep crying yet i cant stop bad things have been taunting my thoughts and dreams every waking moment either it is of him or of tragedy so much has happened to me since my parents split i feel so alone i feel like i have no one after kaylas dad died (Feb. 13th 2007) i have thought of my grandpa he died before thanksgiving last year i wished it was me who died why is everyone getting cancer? why is everyone leaving me? why am i falling apart? why am i still not happy? so many questions yet no one will answer me what, tell me what it was that i had done so wrong! i think that if i were to die, i would just re-live this life again until the day i change it and set it right i guess i will be repeating alot i really need him right now i am so worried i miss him so much i am hurting and i know he too is hurting all cause of me im so dumb! i wish i could die but i do not want him to follow i have the feeling he thinks i did something bad after i hung up on him i just hope he doesnt believe it and do something himself he keeps his word and hell do it if need be i do not want that! i need him! i cant stand waiting just to see him i dont even know if i can leave this summer if he cant go with me then i will stay here with him i really love him so much i need to talk with him i need to apologize but what if i lose my head again? i am so scared he is going to hate me that i am driving myself mad other things like i said taunt my head weither asleep or awake they're there watching me talking to me killing me if i could i would give up but i still have things to do i need to see my new neice or nephew when they are born i need to take care of my sister i need to see my father but right now i am failing miserably at accomplishing these i hope i even pass school i cant wait till i am 18 weither in or not in school i am moving away from this house away from my family i cant take it my mother hates me my father could careless brandi is too far for me to reach and no one else cares i don't exsit in there world i never did i never will i hope that soon i will get better i hope there is nothing wrong and that all of this will come to pass that it is just a mere phase i am sorry for all the trouble i have ever caused if i could i would take it back but i know that i cant well it is now past 12-30am still my phone sends out silence still i wait for it to ring clutching it tightly and still i weep maybe tomarrow will be better maybe i can finally break free from this depression maybe my thoughts will leave me be maybe, just... maybe...
tormentedsleeper666 · Wed Mar 14, 2007 @ 05:27am · 2 Comments |