(currently undecided)

• Artist: Haseo Hyuuga
• Description: I'm thinking about writing a short story or something along those lines, and this is what I came up with for a beggining. Please comment with what you think about it.
• Date: 03/29/2009
• Tags: life

The fog looms out across the lightly wooded clearing.
My limbs are heavy.
My breath feels ragged as my lungs constrict.
The still vapors in the air hide my terrified expression as I move as quickly as possible to the safetly of the trees that only seemed to crawl further and further away. I wouldn't make it. Not this time. I could already hear the others on my trail. Their scent was easy to follow. I took one more breath of the air I would soon no longer need. The tip of my scepter shone bright through the fog. They were here, those that we called the undertakers. Four on one was hardly a match, but then again, the game of life could hardly be called fair.

Comments

[Fille aux Cheveux de Lin]

Everything is decribed very intensly, you can really imagine the scene. Pretty good.

[Akeioni]

It has amazing imagry. Your way with describing the scenes is a gift. I like the cliffhanger you put there, and I hope to see more.

[Haseo Hyuuga]

Depending on how you look at it. With "Their scent was easy to follow." it seems like the main character has already seen the hopelessness of his plight, i was trying to add that effect, plus it gives a little mystery to the enemy since, even though you could easily see them coming from a long way away, they could still corner you easily

[Mizuburo Inoue]

I think you ought to change "Their scent was easy to follow." to "My scent was easy to follow." It makes the enemy slightly more interesting.

[Haseo Hyuuga]

yeah, definitly forgot about that, i had to leave for town as i finishedposting it so i didn't realize the formatting errors

[TheLeSane]

ditto with Mecha on that note

[Mechanical Thong]

I think this could pass....
But try correcting the format?
Spaces are your friend.
So are lines.