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i realized what my problem is.

i show others love and im not even sure if they feel the same back. Even if i got what i want i wouldnt be happy. im never going to be happy and i dont know why. Every thing seems wrong to me. Im sure you could say that i have an emotional problem. I have so manythings going though my head keeping them bundled up inside hurts. If i tell people the way i really feel im sure they wouldnt understand or be "okay" with it.

I really dont know what to expect from people. I always think that they are great but later on i see their ture colors and im not sure what to do. I put all my trust in them and then see that they are really bad people then im left thinking what should i do.

No one understands me and i always push myself away from others because i dont want to tell the my ture feelings. Im for sure they wouldnt understand and its rediculous cause if i do tell them and they do understand im still not going to be happy with the outcome. Its like im damned if i do and damned if i dont.

I try to be happy and sometimes i am but when im by myself and i think it quickly turns around. So what ive come up with is........ i give love but dont get the same in return or as much as id like so to be happy i wont give love at all and i wont expect love. And the love im talking about is not the "omg i love this guy so much" i really couldnt give 2 shits about guys now. Im talking about the kind of love that makes you smile when your sad or upset. I want love from friends. People who understand me. And the funny thing is the person who understands me best isnt really a good friends of mine. But yet she is always there to give advice when i need it or listen to me when i have a problem. I guess its cause she pretty much has went through it and knows were im coming from.

This really isnt that big of a deal. I just wanted people to know how i feel. Its funny really. i think i find a friend that is perfect but in the end they are really not. And i dont mean to affend anyone its just ive yet to find someone who really really understands me and yet are not annoying or asses. I could whine and feel sorry for myself all day but instead im going to just go with my solution and be a tad bit happier. Im going to try something a tad diffrent, and if it doesnt suit your fancy im sorry but its actually helping me. so if you turly love me dont worry about me ill be fine on my own.

okay im sure you wernt really expecting this from me but yeah if you read this dont look at me any diffrent than before im not going to change or anything. actually im changing in my mind, its more mental than physical. I hate that i posted this but if i ddint i would probly be even more sad than before. I felt ashamed and stupid typing this cause i was affraid you guys were going to treat me diffrent and i dont really want that. see im really afraid of change. I want things to change but if they do i dont know what to do. im sure you can understand what im saying. anyway if you took the time to read this i appricate it. oh and by the way im not going to want to talk about this or mention it so yeah.