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<center> Back The Way Things Used To Be
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I need friends on Gaia. Everyone I know is inactive or cant' talk and thats really starting to piss me off.
I mused today...ok...before I use mused I gotta look up what it means. Brb
Wow...I actually used it right~! Yay for me 4laugh
I have this problem. Well, I have many, but this one won't leave my mind. I wonder why I cant' let go of the past. I cant' forget, I can't move on, I can't let go. I always wish things were the way they used to be. This is in my more immediate past. When I reflect on my darker past, when I was a kid...then I wish I was never born. 3nodding
Me and my mom are out of our fighting phase, due back soon for another hellish session for a few months. I always wondered why she ever had me. Why she had any of us. My mother's not stupid, not at all. She's a very clever woman, one of the things I despise about her but can't help but admire. Didn't she know as a 16year old gettin herself pregnant how much strain a child would put on her life? ...she had me for my father, she wanted something she would always have of his since he was doing drugs and drinking and sleepin around on her. She loved him alot, my dad was her first love and the first person who made her feel appreciated and wanted cause in her teens she was very suicidal. Then...well...I don't honestly know what happened. My mom always blames my father, and I never had a chance to hear his side of the story. My cousins say my mom was crazy and made my dad leave her and stuff. Everything about my family is always conflicting stories... I never know who is telling the truth and who just wants me to pay them some attention.
...anyway, I wished my mom wouldn't of had me. I think like...when I was sexually active, my mom said if I got pregnant she'd make me keep the child. I hated her for saying that, its my body and its mhy choice. Before us kids my mom had so much going for her...now she has nothing to show, one life wasted in the pursuit of a false happiness. I would never bring a child into the world to live the kind of life I have to. Always wondering when they will eat today, if they will have a bed to sleep in, if they will have a place to call home tommrow as mommy slaves away at a minimum wage job for rent money in the ******** pj's...I never want anyone to go through this s**t as I have. I'm not saying I'ma make a perfect life...just...one less stressful on those I bring into the world. Right now, I couldnt' do anything for a child and I refuse to put them in the care of the state. I dont' trust the state, I never have and I never will. Thats why when she said that to me it fed my already burnig hatred for her.
Thats one thing I mused on today.
I took lots of asprins. My head hurts so bad. Thudding aganist my skull. I couldnt even go home from school 'cause mom has to work all day (even though her job is right up the street from my school and home). The kinda pain I suffered from...gosh...I dont' think my head ever hurt so bad in my entire life. I couldnt' sit comfortably. I couldnt' lay down. Every movemtn I made seemed to made the pain 100 times worse. I had to skip german class so I could sleep in the chem lab, then rested on Travis through chem (who ******** insisted on not leaving me alone stare ...although he did make the headache go away a little...), it came back in photography class...I slept through Algebra two and now0 I have a load of homework to do.
Something happened when I slept in Algebra 2, though...somethign so strange, like, it never happened to me before. Teacher was talkin away, since I have an A and the highest grade in the class a day of putting my head down didnt' seem to bother the teacher much. At first the pain was to much to bare, just breathing made the headache pound louder till I was in tears, then after proping my books up I was finally a bit comfortable and zoned off. Never have I literally zoned off before...not in school. The teacher's talked was like how the adults talk in Charlie Brown cartoon. My vision got all blury like in movies and everything got silent. I didnt' sleep...though. Its as if timed stopped. Nothing around me existed and I was swallowed into this comfortable world of darkness. Soft wind blew about me and made me giggle. I was floating, and my body became a shade of red in the darkness. My clothes were gone and my hair was down and I felt so free and relaxed. Like...moving and stuff in my mind...spinning and stuff. I then closed my eyes and curled into a fetal position, still floating with this gentle smile curled upon my lips. It felt so good...I was thinking so clearly abotu everything. Humming to myself and just...happy. Pure untainted childlike happiness....
I was only in this timeless place for 5 or fewer minutes, even though it felt like an eternity. I was snapped back to reality by a girl who sits a few seats behind me, "Come on Courtney! Just cause you got straight A's and stuff don't mean you can sleep in class.", I weakly opened my eyes, and then a boy said, "You can't say that Christina! You we're sleep all last period", she retorted, "Yea, but I aint got A's"
I...thought I would be mad, after being awakened from the most peaceful place I have ever been to. After finding this peace inside myself despite the earlier pain thudding in my head. I was...alright. I mean...like I found out something about myself in that weird place my couincious travled to, and that knowledge made me feel good inside. I still have no anger towards the girl now. Well...after that, the bell rang and I went to last period class. My headache was almost gone.
I'm nauseated now. I finally put back on my patch yesterday and I am suffering its stupid side effects. I don't think I'll go to school tommrow. This pain is unbareable. I'm so tiered too. I went to sleep early as hell, yet all day today it was as if I hadn't slept at all.
I...tee hee....I keep thinking about that timeless place I went to, and how badly I want to go back. It felt so good. I wonder what it was, and what it meant if anything.
I won some published book award thing from Dension college which is around Columbus or its vincinites I think...I don't even know for sure, sweatdrop I have to go to another banquet now though. The school councler said I win a certificate and some books...something like that sweatdrop
Man, I downloaded these kick a** porn clips and I so gotta watch them again xd I know some kids from school got this journal link~and if your still reading now, kids from my school, I watch porn and I like it to. Just 'cause I'm a girl don't mean I gotta be appauled(gosh I hope I spelled that right sweatdrop ) by porn. blaugh I'm sicka walkin around like a scardy-cat when it comes to who I am, you either like me or leave me. In the end, I still got mehself and to me thats all that matters. wink whee
Tee hee~ whee So I'ma watch my clip~do a lil somethin somethin redface ~and then play RO since my break from it is over, watch TV, or sleep. 4laugh
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