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<center> Rumble Rumble Goes My Tummy
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I thought alot today. I fisnished drawing those pictures for Onii-san and began my write-back.
Travis is acting like an ignorant little b***h to me now, inturn making me wish I never knew him. So I let him down, Brad says I was to mean about it but atleast I didnt' tell him the whole ******** truth. I wish I never would of spoken to him as I did. I knew this would ******** up our friendship but nooooo I had to learn the hard way. Shoulda just asked Josh before I did anything...
Shoulda asked anyone...
I keep jumping headfirst into things when there are people I can atleast ask to comment on what I'm about to get myself into. I actually have friends now, so I don't have to go it alone anymore...and I need to realize that.
I'm hungry right now...
Also, I think I'm going to make my own guild. I dont' really want to...but... sweatdrop I know it sounds stupid, but I want a guild website. sad I want to help own and run a website for a WOE guild, which is the kinda guild I plan to have. Of course, me and my guild will suck a**...but thats ok, whee we'd WOE for fun. wink
I hate...living where I do. The ******** immigrants around here get their fancy new cars and s**t and they don't realize its their car alarm going off. stare Makes me so mad. The car alarm will go off for hours at a time until the ******** assholes realize its their car and ask someone to help turn it off. stare
So...besides Travis acting like an immature little b***h, school is going great for me. whee Tommrow is the Honors Society induction (whatever that word is...) ceremony and I'm so psyed.
I listened to Daddy Yankee's CD "Bario Fino"(I'ma shorten it to BF if I refer to it) all day in school. whee Well...at the career center atleast;after I left there it was juts playing in my head. whee I don't understand anything he's sayin the whol CD...but like, I don't have to. I dont' usually listen to songs 'cause I can connect with the lyrics...'cause songs like that are hell to find sweatdrop , I listen to songs for the beat and the way it uplifts my spirit and allows me to swim in a sea of emotion. whee .
Again...today....all day, while listening to BF I couldnt' help but thinka Josh. That kids on my mind all the time...I finally got to talk to him on the phone again yesterday, it was so relaxing to hear his voice again...and listen to him be silly. xd Josh ish so funny and so nice~! Unlike before...I always have warm and happy thoughts about Josh and that...like...makes something inside me just tick with joy.
I watched Dawn of the Dead ysterday (the newer one). I was so scared...I'm so damn easy to scare its pathetic. crying I wanna watch a movie with a guy so I can hide my face on his chest and squeeze my eyes shut when I'm scared and have him wrap his arms around me like a shield and protect me from the TV danger ::sighs dreamily:: ....tee hee, redface thats one of my romantic fantasy thingies....
.... stare I remembered I hated watching movies with Greg. Everything always ******** lead to sex and I hated that so damn much. He always assumed that was what I wanted since I'd kiss him back and stuff, I wish his stupid a** woulda just asked me for once.
Ha~my teach say's I got a foul mouth for such a "nice looking girl". By "nice", he means I look like I wouldn't cuss, or think about sex all the time, or materbate, or hit people, or fart, or do anything that doesn't fit that innocent girl from the 1950's personna..... stare I'm not innocent damn it. I do all those things I'm "not suppose to do".
People in school seem to get the wrong impression of me. It hit me that those "thug" guys in school don't respect me at all, they just think I'm a "good girl" so they leave me be. stare They dont' think I'm weird or obnoxious or bitchy at times, they just figure I keep my head in the books and try not to cause trouble.
.... sweatdrop I do that, but I always thought they though I was weird and an outsider and they...well...they don't. redface I always thougth I was weird 'cause I thought they thought I was 'cause of what happened to me in elemertry school which has left a permant scar on my views of people and humanity as a whole. 3nodding ...so I just figured people still thought of me as the bad things they used to say to me when I lived in Youngstown...
I hate thinking about my 5th grade year...I hated it so much and I can't help but cry everytime I think of it. Its one of those unconcious thigns that makes me hate people like I do. It has hurt me in the same ways my father did...its almost on the same level. Its the reason I don't trust people. Its the reason I am extremly shy. Its the reason Im antisocial. Its a reason why I actually concidered suicide a reasonable way out when I was 13. And its somethign I refuse to say here...
What happened brought me so much shame. Its so foul and disgusting and one of the reasons I find myself so ugly no matter what others say. If it wasn't for my ******** dad it woulda never happened...I'd be normal and ok like my sisters are. After it happened I lost all value and happiness in myself. I lost my sense of honor and just...lived in the shadows. My mom did nothign but watch me die like that as if there was nothing she could do...and I"ll never forgive her for that.
...I can't dwell, its starting to make me depressed and I dont' want to be sad nwo.
I talked to Sann yesterday. Josh made it seem like Sann was going to pour his heart out to me...all he did was say sorry. I dont' know why I expected something more than that. No matter how complex I keep fooling myself into believing he is...he's so simple its sad. Almost pathetic. I'm done trying to help him...I'm done trying to be his friend, trying to be there for him, trying to help...period. Thats what makes me and him diffrent, Sann will try forever to help someone without a cause where I will see the lost hope and move on. I cannot help someone who doesn't wished to be helped.
..ahmygawd gonk The immigrant boy next door will not leave me alone. crying He wrote me a note about how he "loved me" expecting that to win me over, when I said no to his face and I think I kinda hurt his feelings...though I feel bad, he's a horny 18 year old jerk that is more likely to be ******** himself to night that ever havign the privlage of calling me his "girl".
...oy...I think I've gotten meanier. sad I don't think what I said is mean, though...I mean, any guy who ever turned me down was never gentle with his words so why the hell should I be? Its common human curtiosy...
Yet that just doesn't sound right comming outta my mouth. I dont want to act common...I want to be unique and diffrent so I know I live and breath and exist...
Izzy ish busy with work, its sucks and everything is boring now 'cause I have no one to hang with online anymore. I'd say I got Josh but I have this nasty habit of making him suddenly leave on me so I just...I dunno...
So...friggin...hungry. gonk crying I want food so bad, anythign edible that fills this void in my tummy. crying
Ooooo....first time I typed that I said "empty void", but I think voids are already empty so I took out the word. 3nodding
I need a more creative journal title, sweatdrop I know I can do better than "Mines" ninja
I had a dream I was pregnant(probably from watching Dawn of the Dead...). I saw a girl today in school who's a friend of Deedra's with a baby too. Her son was so little and cute and uber adorbleness~! whee I don't think I was pregnant in the dream...I think I had a baby though. I can't remember the dream, now. sweatdrop I can't wait til I get older and am outta college with a decent man who I love and loves me and wont' leave for nothing....then I can have kids. whee I have a generally false notation of having kids, though...when you have a kid thats when you lose who you are. Its no longer soley what you want, what you need, what makes you happy....its what the kid wants, all the time. No matter how sweet my daydream fantasies of motherhood are I am NOT ready to give up that kinda stuff for the sake of *anyone* else. Motherhood seems so god damn sweet to me, though...having someone who needs you who is always around you I mean you'd nver be alone (one of the reasons I thinkmy mom had me...), so I can see hwo so many stupid girls in my school are easily lured by it. I feel so bad for them and their kids, thouhg...destined to live lifes with no meaning and so much sorrow....Thats why I plan to wait. whee
I thinka older people, though...a teacher I have in school is like...way old....like 40 or 50 (though she looks young) and she says she doesnt' wanna have kids. I think thats cool of her (even though I despise her for nto even adopting stare ), but very selfish of her too. Like she doesnt' wanna lose herself for theh sake of something so much greater...
gonk God I have such a warped view of things sometimes.
Time to get a snack now. Bye bye~
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