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Isaac has been ignoring me, like you all know.

I sent an angry message to him last night and said I hated him once.

He dumped me.

Flat out dumped me as soon as we started to talk today.

THAT is some ******** up s**t...

But alas...It hurts so much. I cut myself up into shreds. He won't listen to anythign I say.

I'm just so sorry. I didn't mean it. I was mad. My cousin killed herself yesterday and my mom has a tumor thats going to kill her because she doesn't want the opperation. Ontop of that he wouldn't talk to me, he didn't say bye or anything when he went to sleep and then said "Yay sleep~<3" instead of "sleeping love you Courtney" like he always does...I mean...we didn't talk at all yesterday and all that s**t happened and I just...i dunno....i snapped.

I keep trying to fight the breakup...I don't want to break up. I love Isaac so much it hurts. I make one mistake and its all over. Why's he gotta be so ******** emotional? Eh, its another reason I love him alot too. 3nodding

::sigh::

It's over now, though. He said he doesn't know if it might work in the future (after his hurt goes away). He said he doesnt' know anything. I can't believe saying that would make him break down like this...I never knew he listened to what I said so much or else I would of never said it sad

He never acted like he listened...

I dunno, I noticed with my guys after we stop calling eachother on the phone the relationship dies. I hate long distance >.> I figured with Isaac though, maybe it would work out since we seemed to love eachother so much. Isaac seemed to have a lacking intrest in me anyway. sad

Oh well...

I cried for a long time again. it was all uncontrolable sobbing, sweatdrop I was shakin and kickin and stuff...just not fair of him in my eyes. He's ******** up alot too, but because i love him so much I looked past that, forgave and forgot, thats hwo much I loved...

Always nice to see the returns I get on the ammount of love I devote to someone. 3nodding Nice to see my feeling realy matter to someone.

...::sigh:: Sucks so damn much. Isaac was teh mature relationship, he was suppose to work. I saw the future with my Izzy...bleh...great, yet another name to cross out on my binder. sad I guess I saw wrong.

I'm sick of having new boyfriends. I'm sick of sharing myself with another person just for them to turn out to be jerks, jackasses, etc. I'm sick of love and the pain that accompanies it. Love isn't worth it.

I feel kinda silly I keep thinking I'm inlove and I never really am. I just like the person alot...

...I'm lieing...

God damn it...why the ******** does Isaac hurt so much? I keep thinking about him, about not having him...I want him; badly. He said "I can't give you the kinda tim you need, find someone else." sad Why are boys so mean?

I was always saying I hated Josh and he always knew I didn't mean it...I always say s**t I dont' mean because I never know how i really feel. Josh knew me though...::sigh:: he also had girlfriends before...bleh...The only way I can really pinpoint is love, that I know...I loved Isaac in this special way. I don't understand this way I loved him, but I really meant it. With all my heart. Mature love hurts more than immature love...

::sigh:: I can't believe I lost him..I can't believe I ******** up so bad by sayingn one thing thats so minor...

Its not what I said, though, its hwo those words made him feel. Words are so powerful. When I'm mad I articulate my language to make the designatated person hurt as bad as I can possibly manage. I can't believe I hurt him...

I'm really good at hurting people I care about...seems to be my most acknowledgble trait...boy can I hurt a guy...god...I'm such a ******** horrible person. I hate myself so much. I hate making Isaac hurt. Its like I can feel his pain ontop of my regret for what I did. I hate myself so much god I'm so sosry Isaac....

Doesn't matter. Isaac never read my journal anyway, thats what he said. I can say all the bad s**t I want to say to make myself feel better abotu being dumped because he'll never know anyway...but yet I dont wanna do it. I just want Isaac back. Its all I can think about...

He said he was my "emotional cruch"...I wish I knew what that meant. I tried to ask and find out, but he never responded to my questions...he ignored me more than usual because I wanted to talk...

I guess by emotinal cruch he...well, I don't think he understands yet what it is to have a girlfirend. He wanted me to be to independant...I'm not like that. I want my boyfriend around. I like it alot. I dont wanna talk to him whenever he gets around to it or call him and stuff...me and him were to much alike I guess. We're used to being told what to do, and when I didn't tell him what to do that make me less desirable....

I wish I could go back in time and fix what I did. I'd slap myself for using the methods I used to get him to talk to me...

I dunno...I'ma go cry some more and banage up the parts of me I mutilated. Dont' be surprised if I don't come back for a little while, Isaac took my heart and smashed it so I'ma sit around like a vegetable until I regain a will to live.

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