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I know I am not dieing on the inside, but it sure does feel like it sometimes. I know that I am in a very good place in life; I have a wonderful family, and a small little friend to keep me company way into the wee hours of the night. I have an amazing boyfriend, a good solid group of friends, and an amazing place to lay my head down at night. Yet some how there is a void welling deep in my life.
My father is full of promises, promises of happiness, of joy, and financial well being; my father once was an excellent man, and an amazing father. I remember a time when we were so close it was terrible when we couldn’t hang out, I remember a time when I truly loved that man for everything he was and everything he showed me. I have come to realize that I hate this man more then anything else in my life. He has lived in our house for an entire year, managing school, and various other tasks with very little (If any) competence. He complains non-stop about the decisions I am making in life, when he himself is in the same place I am; the only difference is that he knows how to drive.
I try as hard as I can to ignore his incompetence try my damnedest to be as good a person as I can be when I am in his presence, and no matter what I do I know I will fail in the end. Over the past five years I have come to accept this fact, come to accept that I will never be a good person in his eyes, and that no matter what I try I will fail because I am a woman. However I have my dreams. One day, I dream of being a culinary dream, I want to be a pastry chef; working in some café in the heart of Colorado. I dream of the mercury café. None of my dreams will be validated and I accept that but I don’t believe that my personal dreams should be s**t on or altered. We argue all the time about what I am going to go to school for, argue about my grades, the things I am interested in. I dream of small hometown bakeries, yet he drags my attention to cruise-line cooking, knowing that I want to see the world. I am not sure what to do any more, I am literally dreading the coming year in school and already I feel as though I have been set up to fail. I am a child with a case of PeterPan syndrome, I am not ready to grow up and he is making it impossible to enjoy life. I am at a loss, and if anyone has read this I could really use some advice.
I shouldn’t cry at night because my father is living with me, I shouldn’t have to cry over the fact that I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up… Hell, until he moved in I cried when something hurt, or when I got needlessly pissed off; I shouldn’t have to deal with, this should I?
 Teardrops_of_Ivy · Fri Aug 03, 2007 @ 06:02am · 2 Comments |
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