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No Gaia for Courtney today :(
Just as a reminder...
I'm not going to be on Gaia today because I have that 10page report due tommrow and I still haven't started it. I keep getting lazy and forgetting to do it. xp So today is devoted to finishing (starting? D: ) the project.
Oh...things going for me so far.
1. I'm independant and confident.
2. Sann.... redface 'nuff said. heart
3. Going to Cali for the anime con biggrin
4. Joey ish teh goofy heart
5. RO = good leveing
Er...I'm like late for the bus now so no more to write...
Still no word from Chris, that punk better be workin on a responce to that letter stare whee
So see ya tommrow everyone. whee
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Omg... xp ever seen the video for "Hollaback Girl" by Gwen Stefani? ...I swear, one of those horn tutin band boys looks just like Joey... sweatdrop The similarities are so friggin scary gonk
Anyway...know I siad I wouldnt' be back on Gaia...but like...beh...::sigh:: I really don't want to do all those projects I have for lit class...I mean, I know I should and s**t but I don't feel like it. The teacher is overloading us with all this work because nothing in that damn school is planned out and it pisses me off so much...they overwork the students because they can't put s**t together before hand. sad
Need to get my hair and nails done...this is also starting to bother the ******** outta me.
I mean...if this was like a regular day when I actually slept and s**t I wouldnt' be so bitchy now but god...
I still haven't been sleeping because I'm still talking to Joey all night on the phone. I mean...I know I shouldnt' be up all night talkin to him, but that time is when my free minutes kick in and now since he went back to Cali we can't talk or anything...::sigh:: Everyone I love is so damn far away it's not ******** fair...
I should be sleeping now, but I can't because everytime I lay down that nagging in the back of my head kicks in to do all that work for lit class I have now...
God and I'm so ******** irritable....my mom finally decides to go to the damn doctor, talks to her boss about gettin the day off to go and explains whats wrong and then they say they can't cover that. stare Now we have to wait till July for her to even be concidered for the right kind of insurance sad
Still thinking about my cousin...now that I'm over all the Isaac s**t I feel empty inside still. ... She wasnt' my literal cousin...she was my baby brothers cousin...we all have diffrent dads, so we just claim eachothers family...anyway, her name was Britney. She and I used to be horny little kids together...lots of memories of her and stuff, we used to be really close until my mom and my llil brothers dad starting having problems. Then she seperated us from that family and so I haven't really spoken to her since then. Just a few visits back to Youngstown here and there, that was all though...I mean like...to find out she's really dead just makes me feel so hollow. I had no idea...I couldnt' even help her. I never knew what had happened to make her do that...I'll never even know. One moment she's playin with her nepfew the next she's ******** blowin out her brains and s**t...I just...I....I can't believe this happened. We cant' even go to the funeral...her ******** up family won't let us... sad
That thought depressed the hell out of me today. To just think she's gone...someone I was so close to...and I didn't even know....I shoulda gave her my number or something...its ******** up how I can give my number to people I know on the net and I didn't give ti to her...I coulda talked to her or something...I coulda stopped her....emailed her...something....I just...I dunno...she never seemed like the person that would kill herself. She changed alot sinc we were 8 I guess...
...need to think postive....
Joey....bleh....
I guess we're becoming "serious". He hurt my feelings the other day with somethin he said. There is this girl he likes, the one with 8 boyfriends who likes him and get mad when he flirts with other girls but doesnt' want to date him stare , doesn't know we are "going out" yet. He said he doesn't know how to tell her because he "knows it will break her heart".
... stressed scream ...
Why the [********] would you care about a girl who used you, maniplated you, and all that other s**t now you have anoter girl!? ...just doesn't make sense to me and it pisses me off so ******** much. he's all stressed and s**t over how she's going to take it and I'm thinkin like why he would even give a ********. stare I'ma beat that bitchs a** next time I see her for making him like this stressed and so when I said that, he was like "No Courtney, please not now." all irritated and s**t. And I'm thinkin like you defendin this ho exactly WHY? ....pisses me off so much. He's actually ******** stressed over how this b***h will take us going out!!! I don't give a ******** how she takes it, I'll tell the b***h myself. stare I don't give a ******** how she takes it, she can cry me a ******** river. 3nodding But noooooo....grrr.....the way I look at it, is if you are having this much of a problem telling her then we need not to go out. Apparently you still love her, so you can just sit around and wait for her. stare I don't have time for this kinda s**t.
Yea, he was one of the things that fueled that other entry....I mean, I dunno...it makes me kinda mad. Especially now since I am so irritated. He's going up to where she lives to tell her "the news"...I don't want him alone with her. I mean...he dumped one of his girlfirends just becauyse this whore said she wanted to go out with him and she still didn't. I dunno...I dont' trust boys in that kinda way yet and I'm kinda scared like...he'll go there and she'll ******** him or something and then I'll lose him. sad ...but I still have my foolish faith that everything will go well and stuff. I really hope I'm right...cause I'm ******** sick of having my heart broken...
Speaking on that, somethign I have to honestly confess here...I keep telling myself I don't care and stuff...but for some reason it kinda hurts inside that Josh has another girlfriend. xp Its not like I'm cuttin myself up and temptin suicide over it xd It just stings my heart for some weird reason that he has one sweatdrop I shouldn't care...but I do for some reason. sweatdrop But, like I have said in the past, as long as Josh is happy (even though its not with me gonk xD) then thats all that matters. whee 3nodding
Talkin to Joey on AIM now...I miss him. sad Stupid visiting family...::sigh:: I dunno...he like...has alot of female friends...and that makes me feel uncomfortable for some reason. Like when we talk and stuff I believe for real that he's loyal to me whee ...but just got my suspecions...he made me tell him that too. xp He's so damn persistant! I adore that trait, though...I liked being talked into doing things... sweatdrop
My friends in school said I like "abusive boys" xd .... sweatdrop ....I look at every relationship I been in...it was all abusive on some level. sad ...I guess love is just like that.
Wait...Izzy wasn't...er...is neglecting a form of abuse? sweatdrop
Eh...I dunno...
Had Sann on the brain today...a hella lot...I mean like WOAH....I dunno...its weird. I don't like...think of people like this...ever. It feels weird to think of him, of all people, like this...I dont' mean that in a bad way either. His confession of feelings confuse me...I dunno if I should believe it or not. I mean....like before he seemed like he only spoke to me because I was always tailing behind Josh. But like...I dunno...like I think like back when I asked him to marry me on RO and he said no just...like...I dunno...it just doesn't make sense...but it makes me feel this weird way inside...
I can't like pinpoint it. Part of me wants to believe he's being real about all this, but the other part doesn't trust anyone anymore. I want it to be real. I really do. But then I think...if it even was real, what would we do about it? Its just like..."I love you", "I love you too." so is that like...all? I mean... sweatdrop I'm not complaining or anything. xd That alone makes me feel so wonderful...I mean like...see.... redface Sann makes me feel so happy inside. Even back when he used to make me mad...I dunno...I mean like... redface I dunno...Sann related feelings are confusing.... redface
Sann...Sann...Sann...Sann...
::sighs dreamily::
... xd The ghetto girls are fighting outside! They're screamin and s**t its sooooo silly!!! I love when they fight.
Anway, the Sann thoughts brought back a happy mood... redface heart So I'ma go now.
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******** right now.
Right now, in this current state, I don't like Joey at all. I can only express my feellings by saying I hate him for being a big stupid jerk...but I don't hate him, so thats pretty pointless to say.
Just mad at him and his friggin girl fan club s**t...
I already have enough problems with trusting people damn it, and its like his entire lifestyle just makes it worse. I don't care that he has all these female friends, it really doesn't bother me at all. What bothers me is his feelings towards these people. Thats what makes me insecure and feeling like I cant' trust. Because he loves them. He does more than like them and enjoy their company, he has special feelings towards these ******** people and that bugs the s**t out of me.
His reassurance to me? I'm his "woman". Well good golly ******** dandy stare I get to be his "woman" out of the whole ******** mix. Like I even give a ********, I mean god for all this we coulda just stayed friends. stare I don't like being "woman", makes me feel like I'm a ******** cave b***h being dragged around by my hair and only doing as told and I am NOT that kinda person...anyone who's ever been with me can assure you of that. 3nodding I don't like being told what to do, it pisses me off. I don't like being "woman", it pisses me off. I mean, its kinda cute so sometiems I like it but not like
See, when we we're talking like just me and him and we're being lovey I don't care. But when your comparing me to the masses of other girls you talk to as your "woman"...tends to tick me off. stare Mainly because I dont' know exactly the way he means to say that; and also because I don't like being compared to the ******** girls yoru not dating. I'm yours damn it and yes I expect to be treated diffrently from them. I'm not saying bow down and call me your queen, but don't call me soemthing as degrading as your "woman". Thats what wifebeaters say as theri kickin the s**t outta their wifes, thats what disgruntle husbands say as they're tryin to win back their s**t in a divorse, thats what I call my mom when she's being a b***h...so dont' ******** call me that...not comparing me to the others atleast.
I dunno...just mad at him in general. Not like screaming pissed or nothin, just...upset a little. We're trying to have a relationship where we talk to eachother and s**t...but like...i dunno. He takes stuff teh wrong way. Like when I said I wasnt' comfortabel about him tellin me he thought this girl liked him he just like went crazy like "Oh ok I won't tell you anymore I'm sorry" blah-blah-blah...I dont' want him to change who he is for the sake of my insecurities, so I'm confused as ******** as to what I am to do....
Anyway...no word from Sann today. :;sigh:: so today sucked a**, badly...so bad...ish...I think I actually miss him >_> ....
Well...did my homework...some of it atleast, so I'ma be on RO for like an hour and then bed time...
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