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Debbie: I'm not gonna go to the end of the ******** line, who the ******** are you? I have just as much of a right to be here as any of these little skanky girls. What, am I not skanky enough for you, you want me to hike up my ******** skirt? What the ******** is your problem? I'm not going anywhere, you're just some roided out freak with a ******** clipboard. And your stupid little ******** rope! You know what, you may have power now but you are not god. You're a doorman, okay. You're a doorman, doorman, doorman, doorman, doorman, so... ******** You! You ******** f** with your ******** little faggy gloves.
Doorman: I know... you're right. I'm so sorry, I ********' hate this job. I don't want to be the one to pass judgement, decide who gets in. s**t makes me sick to my stomach, I get the runs from the stress. It's not cause you're not hot, I would love to tap that a**. I would tear that a** up. I can't let you in cause you're old as ********. For this club, you know, not for the earth.
Debbie: What?
Doorman: You old, she pregnant. Can't have a bunch of old pregnant bitches running around. That's crazy, I'm only allowed to let in five percent black people. He said that, that means if there's 25 people here I get to let in one and a quarter black people. So I gotta hope there's a midget in the crowd.

Pete: Just don't ask me to lend you any money.
Ben Stone: Can I just - have some?

Debbie: I gotta go, Sadie might have the chicken pox.
Jason: I had the chicken pox THREE times. I have no immunity to it.
Ben Stone: We don't have the heart to tell him it's herpes.
Jason: It's not herpes if it's everywhere.

Debbie: [to Ben and Pete at dinner] Hey, I have a really good idea. Why don't the two of you get into your time machine, go back in time and ******** each other.
Pete: Who needs a time machine?

Ben Stone: Do you want to do it doggie style?
Alison Scott: You're not going to ******** me like a dog.
Ben Stone: It's doggie style. It's just the style. We don't have to go outside or anything.

Sadie: Where do babies come from?
Debbie: Where do you think they come from?
Sadie: Well. I think a stork, he umm, he drops it down and then, and then, a hole goes in your body and there's blood everywhere, coming out of your head and then you push your belly button and then your button falls off and then you hold your butt and you have to dig and you find the little baby.
Debbie: That's exactly right.

Pete: I wish I could enjoy anything the way my kids enjoy bubbles.
Ben Stone: That's sad.
Pete: Their smiling faces point out my inability to enjoy life.