I feel so lonely right now and I don't even know why i feel like this...I mean, there are some reasons I think I am, but overall it just doesn't add up...
Well...like...
Ok, I have these "friends" who claim they care about me and stuff, so when I disappear for a while and come back...they're always so excited and stuff to see me and talk to me etc. etc. But that feeling only lasts for a little while. Give it less than an hour and they're already ditching me for someone else. They don't even say bye or anything, like on Ragnarok especially...they'll just warp or walk away and I don't get why.
My IRL friends are so much better than anyone I play RO with or know on the net and its just really time I start hanging with them...even if I disappear they never ditch me or anythign 'cause they're real friends unlike you fake a** people who just want me for a few moments of "joy".
People are so damn rude online....why? 'cause they're to much of a b***h to say what they say online IRL. I ******** hate people like that. Cowards hiding behind their damn computer screens talkin s**t. Like that one b***h from DC.
I don't think I wanna go to Anime Expo anymore. I think I convinced my mom to let me go, solved her fears and whatnat...but like...I dunno. Just doesn't seem worth it overall. Yea, I wanna go and experiance what it is to be at another place and stuff but my reasoning...modivation, for going is starting to die off; fast.
Theres some people in particular I"m mad at right now. Not mad...but just disappointed in how true their friendship to me really is.
Number one is Kacie. Words cannot describe how mad I am at her...not mad, just...geh. She was like, "Oh, its ok that you dont get on yim anymore. My boyfriend has ragnarok and I'll get it from him." so I was like~kewl, another friend I won't have to comprimise RO with. So she makes her account and whatever and then says RO is gay and leaves. Ragnarok, yes, it does suck but damn...I got my hopes up and because her boyfriend wont start again she won't play either thats so damn retarded. He quit like last damn month why the hell she even say she was gunna play if now she wont 'caus of that damn loser?
Just...makes me mad. SHe kept talkin bout she was gunna play and shiz and now I feel let down again by someone I care for.
Sann made me mad too. 3nodding He insists on leeching those bad people and shiz and that pisses me off so much...I dont' even want to go into detail about it, causw then I'll get mad again but...yea. He's also one of those people who ditched me. Like we were talkin and w/e and he just left and didnt' say bye or nothin and I get the impression he doesn't wanna speak to me and that pisses me the ******** off. Like whenever I start to feel attached and a little happy 'cause of him he ******** disappears or has better things to do with better ******** people and thats not ******** right....because they're not better. I am just as good as any of them and it just pisses me the ******** off 'cause I know what kind of people he hangs otu with and just...grrr...
I'm beyond pissed at two of my guildies in VX. 3nodding meh >_> not mad...just...I dunno. I'm definalty mad at Nooj 3nodding I dunno....meh...its just...like that I missed him alot...'cause I do miss him....alot sad 'cause he's never on anymore or anything and like...well...I dunno, I like Nooj alot, and I wanna be able to hang with him and stuff and since I can't I get sad and miss him for some reason ._. so like...he got online yesterdya and was so mad. They kicked his archer out of the guild, most likely becayse of his low level, and so...well, I duno..I think he blew it out of proportion. So, like everytime when Nooj gets mad I PMed him to find out what was wrong and stuff and let him vent on me and he just ******** blew me off...grr ******** self absorbed jerk stressed ....so, I kept trying to PM him and he just ******** ignored me. Not "/ex M e l o d y" kind of ignore, just didn't ******** respond and that pisses me off so damn much. I've been nothing but nice to him and he treats me like that. stressed scream ....::sigh:: it just hurts my feelings, alot. 'cause like I said, I really like Nooj and stuff...
I wonder, sometimes...like, when people say they missed me, if they really did. Or they only say it because they feel obligated to. I dont' want an "I missed you" and whatever when I decide to come back, I wanna know how people really feel...but I guess it doens't matter in the longrun. I don't disappear because I want to be swarmed with attention when I return, I leave because I cant handle a problem or a situation or a person at that time...and leaving makes it more bareable. When I return I have weighed out the issue and it usually doesnt' matter to me anymore.
I've been especially moody lately. I can tell the cramps during my period in the next couple days will hurt so damn badly >_> I'ma try not to think about it though...maybe that will make it mroe bareable.
It reminds me of 5 and 6 grade....such bad times for me. Thats when I stopped trusting and beliveing people around em and people I care about. 3nodding Thats when I lost faith in humanity...when I closed up and quit talking and became as shy as I am now...I know it sounds stupid and overdramatic, but its true. Its hard even today to talk about what happened 'cause I still cry whenever I think about it. Its a major reason why I don't associate with girls much. But hey, every kid gets picked on in school, right? ....what they did to me was like some Carrie s**t. WHen this happened, coupled with the s**t my dad and uncle did to me and what my mom put me through...I dunno, I wonder why I haven't commited suicide already.
Anyway, before I make myself feel worse....I feel a little better ranting here. The other person I'm mad at in VX doesn't really matter all that much, and everyone else I have little problems with don't matter eitehr.
meh...expect Onii-san and Joey.
Onii-san confuses the hell out of me about how he wants to me to me. Like...I wanna talk on the phone and stuff since all we do is Gaia talk and that sucks a** since we're suppose to be "more than net friends". stare So I wanna talk, and its like....I feel like he's doing everything he can think of to prevent us from talking and like sending pictures and stuff and that makes me mad. If its like that, then this is a waste of my damn time. stressed
Joey...meh...I dun even know about that anymore. I really do feel like he's distancing himself from me and that doesn't hurt me or make me sad...it just feels akward. I don't know what to say or do or anything anymore. But, in that regards, its most likely just 'cause its my emotional week thing....
God I can't ******** wait till I'm happy again .________.
Oh yea...you ever see a guy you thought was so damn cute, and then you see him better (lets say a more close up picture) and your just like, ".....ewwwwwwww!!!" xd Man...there was this guy I thought was sooooooo cute, I was so sad when he said he didnt' "like me like that"~but now its like.... xd Thank god I saved myself from that~ rofl
Its not like that with most people... sweatdrop I mean, I'm not shallow like that...he just always acted like he was better than me and s**t so now its like.... rofl
Oooo...I was lookin through my Ragnarok saved chats and I found this one of me and Izzy talking. sad I really can't believe I ******** that relationship up like that sweatdrop He was so...great. Not like the greatest guy in the world or nothing...but like...::sighs dreamily:: He was so perfect for me and what I wanted. Like...so calm and cool and nice and sweet and cute and silly and friendly and just....::sighs dreamily:: everything~!!! heart Although I am over him, I still miss him sometimes. 3nodding I wish we coulda been friends still, but its ok we're not. wink I got my memories atleast~ heart domokun
Mmm...my mood is much better than when this entry started. 4laugh I feel lonely, like it says, but I mean...I dunno, being ditched by everyone I know and care about because of their circumstance or their lack of intrest in me, isn't such a bad thing. blaugh I can do some self searching, learn more about myself and stuff. I don't need to be around those other people, I funtion quiet well by myself. I won't lie though, sweatdrop I will miss it...but I mean, its ok. 'cause this really goes to show that no matter how much of a friend I think someone is...all I have is myself in the end. Just me.
People always say like, "no nooo! U neber hvejust yu yuh'll alwaz havbe me@!!!!!!" ...meh, liars. 3nodding All I have is me, you people are just to full of yourselves to realize that.
Oh my god... mad I think I'm growing up.
rofl
[ U p d a t e ]
rofl Omfg! I had a crush on Myles!!!
.... sweatdrop can you believe that shiz? I really liked him...alot more than I thought I did.
Remember Myles? Military guy from school who was a total jerk sometimes but still cool at other times...? Who made fun of the guys when they were mean to me and shiz and stood up for me from time to time...?
gonk I can't beliebe this...but I did....
I had a dream about him last night. And like...the stuff that went on in the dream was just so weird.
I mean...I dunno. I'm just in a state of shock right now. sweatdrop I can't believe I did...well, it doesn't matter. I'm not goin to the career center next year and plus he's 18 now and going off to go to the army to go to Iraq and shiz and so....yea....
Just weird to me that I did is all....I can't believe it...I mean, i dont' like guys in the army because atm I don't approve of what this country is fighting for but...like....wow....
sweatdrop I need to go sit down and think about this.
