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So im thinking as always which always sucks and since im here and I dont feel like logging into Xanga here I go...

For one..I dont know..im sitting here reading old conversations thinking "dang..I was so stupid" was I ever happy? god...I just hate it, and im still messing up, if im depressed all my life what the heck? im just...not cut out for this living thing, I bring other people down. How the frick am I supposed to help myself? there seems to be no way. I dont understand anything anymore...

I feel retarted though, I have friends why not be happy? why do I always have to be around them? GLAH! I hate this so much..blah...I hate myself for being like this...thats all I really hate and I wish I could just bring myself up. Sometimes im not like this and I feel like im flying and nothing can stop me. Then I dont know..damn personality...

I ruin my own life. Things said are nonsense now and I dont realize how good things can be until they are gone. To everyone who has had to listen to me whine..im sorry...I really need to change...really.