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Wow.. it's been more than a year since I posted in this journal. Going back and reading through what I've written is a bit awkward, like that one time I found an old journal of mine. I got nostalgic reading it, because it was when I had just broken my ankle and how things were back then. Things have changed, but for the most part I've still remained the same. I've become a bit more introverted, though I can still play the happy-go-lucky guy when I need to. The depression is the same, if not worse. But what can you expect? I still have good days, but bad days are more often than not. I think a lot about whether I should just keep it to myself, but people get weird about it. They don't like me keeping it to myself, and honestly I've started to rely on them for help. A bit too much as I've come to learn with other friends.

So... where had I left off? I'm not on medications for my depression anymore, my parents only want me on herbal stuff. Heh, not like it'll be much different, the other pills didn't even increase my suicidal thoughts, they dimmed them a bit. But once they took me off of them, well. Yeah, I had fun with that on several occasions. I've messed up quite a bit in my life, and it saddens me. I won't graduate high school with my junior high friends, I don't go out much anymore because I don't have any money, I'm just overall unsatisfied. Is this really all I was meant for? All I am allowed to be? But once again, I guess my opinion on the subject doesn't matter. I only have such control over the situation I am put into, and my ability to change that which is happening is dwindling to almost nonexistent.

We just have to keep hoping for something better to happen, I know in the morning I'll be just fine with a 20% chance of early depressive moods. I find it slightly unfair that people have to feel like this, even when their situation isn't the worst. It's like being strapped down and liquid nitrogen being pumped into your veins, freezing you to the core. It's against your will and it hurts like a b***h. I honestly don't know what goes on in my own head anymore, the thoughts are all jumbled, I want and need, and it just feel so damning and awful. I guess I can look to the good things for the most part, if I can happen to find them amongst the rough. It's time to become the nomad in this life. Maybe I can make it, but don't hold your breath.