IRL:
Oh my, no one notices anything under the wide shirt Im wearing. A cool breeze and things happen only would be known by touching, hidden under the wide shirt. Though I'll bite most all fingers off that come even slightly too close o.O... my things gonk
I have been thinking over many things today (as any other day, I usually forget most of it when I try to remember my own thoughts) and along all other things, he's always on my mind in one way or another. I'll probably loose myself because I really wanna go and see him (which will only happen with time... and momey x.x) as my mind grows more aware of the fact that Im actually going X3 heart
Sexual abuse! meh... I know some things of such things personally, and it does not affect my feelings much, for not much happened, though enough to call it something. Or maybe it caused such a loss of feeling towards such things. I just frown behind a laugh as I try to avoid most close contact by persons who should not have such close contact. My co-worker asked me if my step-father sexually abuses me, if he was crazy. Because he gave her the creeps and she was worried about me after what I told her once, trying to give me advice. I do not remember what I told her, even if its considered a personally serious matter, I do not really think of it as such to some extent, maybe I should, though I cant. She asked if I was afraid of him (that it might be a reason for me not speaking of such things).
I aint scared at all, though I try my best to avoid angering my step-father, I dont want his talk about hitting and such becoming a reality (though if he does he'll be in so much trouble, its a big no to hit your child in any way! but Im actually over the line of being a child, able to stand on my own two feet). I mean, my step-father threatened my brother by saying he'd give me permission to beat him (younger by 5 years) thats just not right. I do not know what he has against my brother, but he too often calls him stupid, slow, idiot and such things... I think my brother is scared of him in a way, but he cant keep quite because its just how my brother is, always manages to annoy him.
I do say he touches too much and too close, I only try to avoid his hands moving to the wrong places (and its actually the main things he moves towards, wondering why he ends up all bitten and scratched o.o' I do bite him, with a laugh. It all seems like a game, yet it aint a game at all in my mind, though I let him consider it as one). And if I managed to draw blood with my scratches, I was told to be a bit more careful gonk
I do not speak openly about such things in my family, not at all. My co-worker was also wondering if it has anytying to do with my mother's choice of males, such a thought had never crossed my mind before. The only thing I could see with all three men she has been with are that they have all been cooks, as herself. My real father, lazy as hell it seemed, did some things I do admit but a lil part of it I have not talked about, I just cant at the moment. It goes though my mind like a short video clip every time I even come close to think about it sweatdrop . Though it does not affect my feelings at all, not like the horrible bad memory it would seem to be, I just dont want to talk about it... maybe it does affect my feelings in such a way, making them numb towards such things, I do not know at all.
My mother's relasionships have always ended in a bad way, though I can not remember what was wrong with the ending with my mother and my real father. He just went away (and my mother has not reached contact with him till this day, though I know one of my half-sisters has been in contact with him). Her second man (she did not marry) ended the relasionship by beating her quite badly in the face when drunk one day (she was so swollen that it was just terribly scary ). And her third she married, my step-father. The argue a few times (not too often, but the things they argue about o.O... often my mother defending my lil brother from his harsh words). I wonder if she'll devorce him soon... they have been together for 4 years, and it still seems the same. Im just going to move out of the house soon, when I manage to figure out where to. It would not be such a stronge change, I could do it easily I belive, still I'm still learning to fit into the whole 'adult' thing... o.O... Im 18, things change gonk and I still I think like I'll live forever (I know that moment will pass, but let me enjoy it o.O!)
I actually laugh as if it wasnt anything special if you talk to me in person about such things... personal things that just aint good for a person gonk sexual abuse... is that when things go bad? is there another word for anything less of a sexual thing? I guess not... it seems like a such a small group that these lil things only fit slightly over the edge of the whole thing.....
meh... pirate I still can keep up a smile, exept if things get really get annoying... I'll actually loose my smile... o.O... oi, it'll be back before you know it, but it actually only hides things, I do that.. I cant help it at all... you might never know what my smile means, if its actually a happy smile, or a smile to avoid the reality of things....
like I say: if you want to hide things well, you have to be able to avoid the fact that you hid it....
I do admit things, though I wonder if my journal is that much looked at to even be thought of...
and for a minute I actually thought I had missed my first day of school x.x
23.08 it starts.. o.O... and the clock was 23 something x.x scare me, it did sweatdrop
Do mind the lil words, comments do make things seem like people actually read it...
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erotic, not exotic... fruits are exotic
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