Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

Yeah that's exactly what that says. I thought I fell..No I knew I feel for this guy. I was in the wrong. He has a girlfriend. I shouldn't have let myself get sdo ******** deep. I should have dropped his a** right away. But I'm the a**. He loves her and I know that. Why was I such a damn a**? I don't know. I hope one of us leaves this relationship. I hope I hurt him enough to leave me. I want him to be happy. Even if I make myself miserable. I'm sick of this ******** s**t. Relationships were never for me. And now i realize that it never will be. Well here, because I'm sure he'll read this. This is all just for him.

What's deep inside:

Since I was about ten I couldn't figure out why I felt the way I did. I felt depression forever and when I figured out what it was then I cried even harder. I knew I wouldn't find someone to heal me. I realized that my dreams were coming true. the people around me were dying, I was being left alone. I was being shoved to the side. People viewed me as this demon. I couldn't stop. My tears ran at such wonderful paces that they could win nasacar. But that's when I found out what was happening. I was becoming cold anduncaring. That was from the abuse I suffered as a child. Emotional and Physical.
Then I have my first boyfriend at 14. He was super sweet. I liked him a lot.l I opened up a lot to him. Trust was something I was giving. But then he turned and used it to make me do things. When it came to sex, I shut himand the rest of the world out. I didn't want to be a tool to be used by someone else. I wasn't that kind of person. But then I watched people around me fall in and out of love. They seemed so happy. SO I began dating. But no oneknew the real me. The me that just wants to be a girl and have fun. Do make overs, kiss and giggle. The part of me that feels that a simple, "You are beautiful," knows that you really are pretty. I wanted to be the girl I thought I could be. Wearing cute clothes. Flirty as if it was a game. But It seemed everyone I dated wanted something I wasn't going to give them.
I knew that I could nver do it. BUt I still tried. Fronting became my game. Who could I fool the most? I did very well. People never saw though me.. It became an easy game. ANd I began to hurt more as I hid the me that wanted to be a girl.
But I knew I couldn't. I never had a childhood and barely any good friendships. I began to isolate. But then I realized that god was punishing me and I turned him away next. Soon i was truly alone. I cold no longer feel the pressence of anyone. In a room of people I felt numb and distant. Voices began to become friends. I heard them on a daily basis. they told me the truth. That I was alone and that I'd always be alone. Now I just live it out.
Then When I finally found this one guy I opened up truly to him. Lettng him see my desires, my wants and needs, my loves, my hates, he saw it all. He knows it all to this day. But I destroyed him. He doesn't wnat to even say hey to me anymore. I lost him. He knows all this and he knows how to make me even more miserable. And now this is who I am.