Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

I had planned to write this for quite some time now....

I realized at some point a few things about my relationship with Kathleen. And especially about the aftermath.

I find myself saying "I wonder if I made her happy." or "I wonder how she's doing now."

And I realized recently, that I don't want to know. I don't want to know IF I made her happy, I want to know THAT I made her happy. I don't want to know how she's doing, I want to know everything's okay but her life is empty without me. I don't really want to know IF I mean anything to her or IF she's found a new love interest, I want to know THAT I was the most important relationship and THAT she hasn't found anyone.

This is selfish. This is also how I feel.

I want her to know THAT she made me happy. I want her to know that I AM okay without her, but that my life is terribly unfulfilling with her love. I want to tell her that she was the most signifigant person to me EVER and that I doubt I will feel the same about anyone else.

But I can't. I know she doesn't want to hear these things. I know she doesn't care.

I can hardly wait until I don't either.

In other news, there was an argument/discussion last night involving this entire family where the basic points were made:

1). If you want something, and it might hurt someone else, you shouldn't have it.
Case in Point: I didn't want to go to Charlotte this weekend. And I didn't. But this apparantly hurt Aunt Kim's feelings, so it was wrong of me to want this. This is something my stepmother actually said. I explained that I really didn't want to go and that I wanted some time alone, but she isn't an introvert and doesn't understand that I recharge and unwind alone. And not just an hour ever few days. I need a long time.

2). If you have any feelings about injustice or similar subjects, you should not express them.
Case in Point: Mariah was told to do some task she had already done (sweeping, I think) and she explained that she already did it, but got yelled at and was made to do it again. According to my father, we should, no we WILL do what we are told without complaint, no matter how insane. I don't really mind, I'm moderately obedient. I do like to ask the reasons behind actions, which they dislike. Oh wellz.

3). James thinks he's perfect.
What?: Well, at some point, my stepmother asked him "What do you think you do wrong?" and he responded, and I quote "Nothing." Which was the absolute worst thing he could have said. He's very lucky he didn't find himself 'slapped across the other side of the room'. He has quite an ego, very self-centered. But he also explained that the reason he's such an a*****e sometimes is because he feels he has to drag everyone down with him. Self-centered a*****e.

4). No one shows anyone else respect.
Yup: I definitely do not respect any of these people. I DO think of myself as above them. I do NOT want to be part of this family. But I DO want to escape them, which is (ironically enough) easiest to do by living with them. I do erode their self-esteem, act as if I don't want to be here, and numerous other things I was told. But if I tell them this, guess where I'm going. Not to NCSSM. So...maybe one day in a few years, I'll tell them what I think. After I know I won't need any favours.

And that was the bulk of the discussion. We talked about being appreciative for all they give us, and unduely angry about what they don't. Apparantly, they don't want us to ask them for anything that they aren't legally required to give us (i.e. food, shelter, clothing). Which means I need to start finding a way to get home after Drama club. And tutoring if Anastasia ever brings that into focus. Throughout all of this, my Dad still loves me more than Mariah or James.

After this discussion (it was an hour after I was supposed to be in bed) I went in the kitchen to take my anti-biotics while my stepmother continued to yell at James for being unflawed, and Dad came in to get some water. I muttered "That was the worst possible thing he could have said." And he said "You should have heard him last night." Apparantly James argued with my stepmother last night, over what I do not know, but he probably made himself look like an a**. I gave my Dad a hug (something I rarely do anymore) and told him I love him (which I rarely do anymore). Because I do. He may not be Father of the Year, but he takes good care of my physically and only wants the best for me. He told me that it was all going to be alright. He can be most reassuring sometimes. I felt much better.

SAT Saturday.
********. ********.
Art Project Friday or Monday.
Okay. I'm not worried yet.
Mom's Birthday Friday.
I'm starting to worry. I want to put the package out in the mail tomorrow. Maybe MJ will give me a ride.
Katie.
Where are you?