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today (it was on friday) didnt really help me feel better than last night
it kinda broke my spirit and my heart
i thought i was strong (as in emotionally strong)
but i found out im extremely weak and have an easily breakable heart
today was the last day of school before we left for thanksgiving break
we had a special campfire in physics
we gave thanks for everything we felt grateful for
well i got a speech ready when mr. ratcliffe said thats what we were gonna do
about how life is great and we should enjoy it
to keep up the lie that everything is all right
i was going to say how much i love my family and friends
how i couldnt live without them
how strength is just how well you hide the pain
how im glad that god has given me so much even though i dont deserve it
but then ppl talked about their deepest problems
some started to cry
i cant stand to see people cry
it touches my heart in an unique way
it desroys me
i can actually feel their pain
so i went up and said these words
im thankful (in a normal voice)
for my mom (voice starts breaking)
shes always been my only parental figure (in tears) crying
i ran to sit back down
people still clapped for me
i cried for the rest of class
i hugged vanessa (shes the white teddy bear with a black and white polka dotted dress i always carry around) in my arms
and buried my face into her
i cried but managed to keep silent
every now and again i took deep breaths to make sure i didnt start to sob
i have physics 5th period so lunch was next
stephanie hugged me for a long time before we left the room
she told me she'll always be there for me
i thanked her quietly trying to not sob
i put on my sunglasses so no one could see my eyes shining with the soon to be tears
when i got to our usual spot i let the sobs come out of my throat
only sandra chao and aya were there
they were like are you ok?
i shook my head no and dropped all my stuff
then laura and rosa came
laura is in my physics class so she knew why i was falling apart
she told them and they understood
i turned my face to a wall and cried
someone came up and hugged me
im not sure who it was because i didnt want to turn to them
i calmed down and went to wash my face in the restroom
to my surprise my eyes werent red as i thought they would be
then i remembered i forgot my purse in spanish and went to go get it alone
usually being alone is horrible for me
even if im only alone for a short ammount of time
i feel like im alone in the world i feel strange inside
but the 5 minutes i was alone did me good
i stopped crying and slowly put my smile back in its place
i told sandra im ok now
she said no your not
i sighed
it was true....
but those who didnt see me cry didnt notice my eyes
maybe they didnt look any different
and i guess i didnt seem any different
even though i felt like dying inside

so many things happened to me all in a single day
but it all started thursday night
i was sad for no reason
so i started to cry
i let the hot tears spill out of my eyes without making any sound
yes i stopped just because i cried myself out
and because mark told me i made him sad because i was sad
i know what that feeling is like
so i tried to pull myself together