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--I'm tired of playing this game. I'm tired of falling inlove.. & though I wanted you more than anything in this world, you're the only thing I couldn't have. No matter how many times I slipped away from you, I held back on, stronger than ever. I thought that this could finally be what I thought love would ever be. Perfection.. Pure happiness, & affection. But still, All i'm left today, is saying sorry. I'm sorry for saying 'yes' nine months ago. Maybe we both wouldn't be so torn. I know saying sorry could never fix or change anything, I still can't, & wont stop. I feel like I hurt you more than I thought it would. Seeing you this way, hurts most for me. The one I love in pain.. tears flowing from his eyes. Im sorry I couldn't be all you wanted me to be. I know I'm far from perfect, but I tried being 'her' the one you always dreamed of. I did it all for you, because you deserved it. I'm sorry i got in the way of you being happy. I'm sorry, i just wasn't good enough... No matter how many tears that have fallen it still wont ever be enough to give me the one thing i want most in my life. I tried telling myself, I could do this.. & that I'll be okay. But i realize now I can't.. Im done pretending . I refuse to lie any longer to myself. Right now, I just want the pain to pass. I want you to move on & realize I wasn't & couldn't be her.. She's waiting for you.. & still... I won't deny the fact that i think of you more than ever now. I still care about you, & I still love everything about you. Words wont ever be able to describe the distance my love was for you. Compared to everyone else, I never wanted anyone so bad.. I think I've made up my mind though. Loving you from a distance, wont work. Because I want you here with me too much. I dont regret being you, But i did wish it could've been different. Every night I wonder why haven't you given up on me.? Like everyone else did;? While everyone else left me heartbroken & alone, you were the only one who stood right beside me, held my hand, & talked with me through. It's obvious you loved me, I wont deny that. I've always been scared of falling inlove/being inlove. I know why now. But compared to others, you're way different. You kept your word, while I shattered your heart.. You took the time, to set aside all my difference, took the time to know me, & love me. You listened & guided me through my struggles, & became the smile i Relied on for comfort. I couldn't ask for anything more.. But I'm selfish, I desired more; I WANTED YOU ! Nothing more, nothing less. Just you.. Still, I don't know if it's over now, or what to say. For the first time, you've left me speechless, & breathless, gasping for air. I guess I needed you more than I ever realized. Say it was all just a dream.. A fairytale waiting to come true.. But in reality, it wasn't possible. No matter how many wishes I make, tears I cry, prayers I pray, it still won't make any difference. Reminiscing on it now, I realize that if I could go back, i'd rewind the past & start all over again. But this time I'll make sure we'd last. I'm sorry for the stupid arguements, the dumb fights.. Looking back on it now, it really wasn't worth it because i wasted so much time.. Because of you, I wanted to be strong for us both. I didn't want to give up any longer. & for this?.. Everything.. I dont blame you at all, I blame myself. You tried everything you possibly could for me & i didn't see it. Instead I kept asking, & asking for more.. I pushed you, I rushed you.. & now I' can't forgive myself for what I've done. I'm finally resting it all aside, slowly trying to move on.. but i can't. Everyone says forgive & forget; How can i forgive someone who did nothing wrong to me, & how could i forget the person who meant the most to me? I can't.. It could only make things worse. I've run out of tears to cry.. there's nothing left but sadness, and anger, at myself for letting you slip away. I'll do us both the favor & take the blame. I'll be torn for me, & for you. In the end, I keep asking myself.. Was it all worth it? I can't deny it, It was. Through this whole experience, I met a genuine young man, who I thought could be the one I'd share my life with. & i enjoyed the memories we made, the future that was to come for us both. Forever you & I; you're mine & i'm yours.. together .. I wanted it so bad, but it's been taken from me. In the end, No matter what happens i'll love you endlessly. I don't care; I do, Love you. I've fallen for you. I'm into deep to let it walk out on me just like that. I wanna retrace my steps with you, & fix everything. Hearing I love you, from you right now, would make my day so much better.. it really would. & seeing you smile, could only make my life easier. After the day you told me you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me.. it hit me, & just like that I began to wonder & question myself, what if we dont make it? How would I ever go on? .. that's what's been running through my head that night; Knowing that losing you, is soo easy.. & it could happen so fast, scared me. I really am afraid, to lovee; But for you, I'd risk it all. You're worth every second;.. I still cherish each moment I'm given with you. Because of you i'm blessed; <3. ill love you til your heart's content.
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