I was walking to the library and I heard the leader of a tour group say "The one piece of advice I offer to all new students is get to know your teachers." What?! That's the best she's got? I have way better advice than that.
-If traveling back in time to visit yourself, make sure to do it to a point in time in which you are out of shape. Nothing is more embarrassing than getting beaten up by a past version of yourself.
-Never trust a cheerleader talking about national competitions. National cheerleading competitions are our nation's greatest conspiracy.
-"Don't Stop Believing" by Journey will be quieter than the rest of your songs. Journey did this intentionally so that at parties people will say "Wait, everyone be quiet. I love this song! Turn it up." Then everyone sings along.
-Leaky faucets are only leaking to get your attention. If you ignore them long enough, they will give up.
-Dogs are a man's best friend. Take that into consideration before pursuing your dog's ex. You may want to wait six months or get its permission first.
-The hoodie pouch is extremely useful. When one's hands are inside it, no one can hand you junk on the way to class. The best method of doing this is with a confident smirk.
-If you are the only one not laughing at a situation, you are either the smartest or the dumbest person in the room. Try to be the smartest, but it's ok if you're the dumbest.
-If it is winter and you are parking your car it is a good idea to rep the east side.
-Ketchup takes a while to go bad, you can all stop refrigerating it. If you happen to like cold ketchup, you should ask yourself if your ketchup likes being cold.
-If you have a single taillight working, tapping your brakes on and off in a slow rhythm is a fun and safe way to mess with that guy behind you who wants you to go faster.
-When drink fountains are self serve, you do not actually have to tell the cashier which product you plan on filling your cup with, despite their potential curiosity.
-Dogs are easy to beat in staring contests. After losing they usually walk away and pretend they were never playing, but they are really just trying to hide their shame.
-If you put "Viva la Vida" by Coldplay on your playlist, people will compliment you on having a good playlist.
-If you buy yourself a cake it will taste worse. Much worse.
-If your teacher writes on the board, sit on the right side of the room and remember the church's teaching that left handed people are going to hell.
-No amount of tequila and coke will quench your thirst. I've tried.
-Liquid soap cannot be applied effectively without some sort of washcloth/bath sponge. I've tried.
-Keep your friends close but your enemies closer, but only if you have a contagious disease. If not, you're better off just hanging out with your friends. They probably like you more.
-You can foil the plot of static electricity by closing the car door with your feet.
-Braking wastes gas. Don't use your brakes.
-No amount of clothing gets lost more than the sock. Socks feel bad about this and make up for their shortcomings by being extra comfortable when you get new ones.
also:
That is all.
