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God I feel like crap. So much. I have for a while now. I just can't seem to pull everything back to order. More than once I've entertained the notion that everyone around me would just be better off if I wasn't here. I don't see anyway in which I'm helping anything. All I do is sit around and vegetate. How would being dead be any different? God I feel like ******** s**t.

People at school who normally wouldn't matter to me are pissing me off and making me feel worthless with their jabs and remarks and everyday I come home to all these negative thoughts and emotions and words. It makes me feel so shitty. Every morning this week I've shown up late to school. I can't make myself plow on. What reason do I have to take that step forward? My future? As far as I'm concerned that doesn't matter. People say they feel hopeless but they have no idea what it's like when you really have no hope. When nothing in the world surprises you. When you've become so jaded that you laugh emotionlessly about mass murder and feel like ripping your heart out and feeding it to someone. When even though you can see the joys in life none of it relates to you and you seriously believe with everything that your life is never going to change. When you have a whole day in your life where suddenly all this rage from nowhere hits you full force and makes it so your hands shake with the effort of holding back the urge to beat up the next person who cuts someone down or disregards something entirely.

Some people feel venerable when they're naked or when someone degrades them. I feel all too entirely venerable when I have no wall to protect me and work as a plow just so I function through my day. Think of it as going into battle naked. No armor. Not even any clothing. Degraded and wounded to be picked apart by the vultures of the world. That's almost how I feel every morning I wake. I don't want to wake up anymore. Why can't I just dream?

But whenever I get these thoughts I always think of Miyavi and the song Hi no Hikari sae Todokanai Kono Basho de. Miyavi, bless that man and his life and his soul, always shares a portion of his happiness with me every time I listen to his music or read one of his blog entries. Just a picture of him on the internet immediately brightens my day. And the only thing that makes me sadder than my life is that he'll probably never know just how much he influences me. He's just this really happy person who loves beyond limit and does what he wants, no matter who criticizes him. And I love him so much as a person for that. His music pushes me on every day.



cry <-- seriously what I'm doing right now