so i got the i dont think we should bee together phone call on monday night. he was all fired up and bein an a*****e. i started to cry and then i called back and yelled. then i talked to jill and she made me feel better. i got good nights sleep and felt fantastic. after a good thrifting adventure i felt awesome. i finally got a mp3 player today and an external hd. wonderful.
im adding the email i sent ???? to give the actual emotional context of that night and next day.
this is a serious rant about someone you know ... i think i started to write this so someone would actually care that i feel like s**t but it helped me more than i thought it would.
i dont want this to be seen as me talkin s**t ... im just venting. you may have known this before i did but wil told me why he was being all fuct up. he doesnt want to see me anymore. and i wasnt even the one that started the whole thing ... he is more unstable than i am. i want to be madd as hell but im more mad at myself for letting me have feeling for him that i know he is incapable of even attempting. i told him he was a puddle and that he has no emotional depth. but then dumb a** me for the first time ever i let myself not think and accept the drunk love as actual emotion from him. i am sitting here actually crying ...not cause i want to bee with wil but cause i want the situation....love. i hate this im not high and i am becoming the true hopeless romantic that wants to fall in love and bee loved. i never actually wanted something so badly that i turned a blind eye to what it really was -- a sexual relationship that was born in an unhealthy time in my life and i realize now that i never should have let it get as far as it did....now i know why i read so much, the real world always hurts me, as much as i hate to show my weaknesses i feel very sore and bruised emotionally ...
BTW- know any hot emo kidds i need to find a life to destroy for fun, they enjoy the pain...gives them something to write about.
thanx ???, youve been such a help. i just needed someone to listen while i let the girl out for a few minutes. i wanna lock her up tight so i dont have to worry about being hurt.
♥
a GIRL named jamie
All i know is, the best thing i ever decided to do is not get emotionally involved until i'm right with myself. I'm still not, and i'm still not. And of course it's between you and me.
tru that. thanx for dealing with that crazy girl i was last night. im all better today....after i wrote that to you i realized that i am ******** awesome and i will only get what i settle for so i wont settle for less than perfection. i am pleased with the way i reacted. im glad i cried. that is something i never do. even when ppl die. i am all logic and no emotion but i got upset and let wil and jilly for that matter hear me cry...its a relief to me that i now know i am not the unemotional b***h ive always chose to be. i feel better than i have in years. plus wil called and apologized for being a d**k and we're on good terms so i didnt lose a friend and i am so happy i can feel....
so for what its worth this whole thing was a welcomed event.
SadJamiee Community Member 
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